Be Real and Honest 

First things first, honesty is key. If you know it’s time to end things, have a direct and respectful conversation. Avoid ghosting; it’s way more considerate to let the other person know where you stand. A simple, honest chat can go a long way in making the transition smoother for both of you. Respect their feelings while being clear about yours. 

Social Media Cleanse 

After ending a summer romance or friendship, your social media game needs to be strong. Here’s how to handle it: 

• Unfollow/Unfriend: If seeing their posts is too much, it’s okay to unfollow or unfriend them. It’s about your mental peace. 

• Mute: Not ready to cut ties completely? Use the mute button. You won’t see their posts, and they won’t know you’ve muted them. 

• Change Privacy Settings: Adjust your settings to limit what they can see on your profile. It helps to keep some boundaries. 

• Avoid Real-Time Location Sharing: If the relationship was unhealthy, it’s best to avoid sharing your location in real time. You don’t want to risk surprise visits or unwanted interactions. 

If your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, check out the My Plan App for help leaving that relationship safely or staying safe post-breakup. 

Handling Common Friends 

If you share mutual friends, things can get tricky. Here’s what to do: 

• Be Clear: Let your friends know about the split. They don’t need all the details, just the basics. 

• Respect Boundaries: Avoid making friends choose sides. Be civil in group settings and respect each other’s space. 

• Plan Solo Hangouts: Spend time with friends one-on-one if group hangouts feel awkward. 

Focus on Self-Care 

Ending a summer romance or friendship can be emotionally draining. Make sure to take care of yourself: 

• Stay Busy: Dive into hobbies, hit the gym, or binge-watch your favorite shows. Keeping busy helps distract you from overthinking. 

• Talk it Out: Don’t bottle up your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or even a therapist if needed. 

• Pamper Yourself: Treat yourself to something nice. A little self-love goes a long way. 

Learn and Grow 

Every relationship teaches us something. Reflect on what you’ve learned from this summer fling or friendship. Use it as a stepping stone for personal growth. 

Ending a summer romance or friendship isn’t easy, but it’s a part of life. Handle it with honesty, care, and a touch of social media savvy. Remember, it’s all about moving forward and making room for new connections. 

 – Carla M Kozen, Content Manager

The post How to End a Summer Romance or Friendship appeared first on One Love Foundation.

The Impact of Domestic Violence in Communities of Color 

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue in communities of color, exacerbated by historical and systemic inequalities. African American women experience higher rates of domestic violence compared to their white counterparts¹. The intersection of race and gender often means that survivors of color cannot rely on law enforcement for support. Black men are more than twice as likely to be brutalized or killed by police, and Black women face the risk of being criminalized or incarcerated while attempting to escape abuse ¹. 

For minorities, these toxic behaviors add to other stresses like discrimination and stigma. Latina women face intimate partner violence at a rate of 1 in 3², and Native American women endure some of the highest rates, with more than 4 in 5 experiencing violence in their lifetime ³ Asian women also face significant challenges, with 21-55% reporting intimate partner violence, often compounded by cultural stigmas that discourage speaking out ⁴. 

Mental Health Impacts and Cultural Influences 

The mental health impacts of relationship abuse are profound. Survivors often struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mental health issues. Cultural factors can also influence the experience and reporting of abuse. In many cultures, speaking out about abuse is stigmatized, and survivors may face isolation or rejection from their communities. 

Access to culturally appropriate resources and support services is crucial. Raising awareness, educating, and providing supportive services tailored to the unique needs of these groups can significantly aid in recovery and healing. Addressing relationship abuse’s impact on mental health in minority communities fosters a more inclusive and equitable society. 

Get Help 

If you or someone you know is experiencing an abusive relationship, help is available: 

• Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) for expert support. 

• Call a Peer Advocate: 1-866-331-9474 to explain your situation and receive support and education. 

• Live Chat: Visit Loveisrespect.org for a live, discreet, and confidential chat service specifically for young adults. 

• Text Message: Get in touch with a peer advocate by texting “LOVEIS” to 22522. You will receive an immediate response from a peer advocate who will help you find solutions to your situation. 

How to Help a Friend Who May Be Feeling Suicidal 

If you know someone who may be feeling suicidal, it’s important to act with care and urgency: 

• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 to be connected to support for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts or a mental health crisis. 

Recognizing and addressing these behaviors is essential for supporting mental health and fostering healthier relationships in all communities. 

 -Carla M Kozen, Content Manager

Sources 

1. “Domestic Violence in Communities of Color” – National Institute of Justice 
2. “Intimate Partner Violence Among Latinas” – National Latin@ Network 
3. “Violence Against Native American Women” – Indian Health Service 
4. “Statistics On Violence Against API Women” –  Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence 

The post National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month: Addressing Abuse in Minority Communities appeared first on One Love Foundation.

I was in love before Orientation Week even wrapped.

I thought him wanting to be with only me was love (now I know it’s Isolation). I assumed him wanting to know who I was with, where I was going and what I was doing every second of every day was love (now I recognize it’s Possessiveness). I figured his over-the-top reactions to situations most people wouldn’t bat an eye at were because it was normal for people to act extreme when they are so in love (now I get that it’s Volatility), and on and on.

None of my friends or family had the knowledge or skills to see what I was going through, nor did I have the courage to tell them – this was what TV and all the magazines had told me was love, right? I felt shame that I had let it get to this point – my family and friends were all these incredibly smart, strong women and I felt I would be a letdown to them all if they were to find out. Besides, I believed that even if I had told them what was going on, they didn’t have the tools to help me.

That relationship had life-long implications – I found myself pregnant at just 18. I was so anxious at how my partner would react to every little thing that I couldn’t sleep, then I couldn’t focus in class, then I couldn’t get out of bed to attend class. In a matter of months, my grades plummeted and I flunked out of my freshman year. Eventually, things escalated to where the University Police had intervened, and I was finally able to feel free from living my life according to my ex’s demands; but, unfortunately, the life I had hoped for myself didn’t feel possible anymore.

Regardless of whether the unhealthy behaviors are physical, emotional, verbal or all of the above, we know those who have been on the receiving end of unhealthy behaviors can feel shame about what happened to them and around not being able to stop it from happening in the first place.  Being in an unhealthy relationship can slowly chip away your self-worth and self-confidence. It can make you feel incredibly alone – it did for me.  Throughout my situation, I was too ashamed to reach out to anyone in my circle about it.  I felt that there was no way my friends would have let this happen to them; that there was no way my family members, fellow students, or teammates would become a victim of unhealthy or abusive behavior. But, we know it can happen to absolutely anyone – nearly 1 in 5 college students in the U.S. report being physically or sexually hurt by a dating partner while in school.

RELATED ARTICLE: Lethal Behaviors to Look Out for in an Abusive Relationship

That’s why I decided to outsource some of this article. I want you to know you’re not alone in having skewed expectations of relationships thanks to pop culture and antiquated ideals, and that those skewed expectations can make it incredibly easy to experience an unhealthy or abusive relationship. The responses below come from a variety of individuals – male,  female , non-binary, straight, members of the LGBTQ+ community, people with vastly different careers, nationalities, upbringings and ages. What they have in common is that they were not taught anything regarding relationship health education before they entered their late teens and early 20’s.

Hopefully, from reading all of this, you can learn from our misconceptions, recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship, and surround yourself with positive, uplifting relationships.

“What do you know about relationships now that you wish you had known when you were younger?”:

• “A relationship should be a positive ADDITION to your life, not consume you to the point where you don’t have your own identity anymore.” See: Intensity

• “You’re going to grow out of some relationships and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that anyone gave up or didn’t try hard enough.” See: Independence

• “It’s not sunshine and rainbows all the time. Relationships have seasons – some are harder than others, but everything can be overcome with honest, open communication and mutual respect of the other person.” See: Respect and Honesty

• “You are not responsible for ‘fixing’ another person, ESPECIALLY when they make you feel like you are.” See: Guilting and Manipulation

• “If they refuse to ever spend time with your friends or family, get outta there!” See: Isolation

• “If someone tells you that you’ll never find someone else to love you, I promise you will and it’s not the person saying that.” See: Belittling

• “I wish I had known that it was supposed to be more carefree at that age! I was so serious and constantly looking for ‘The One’ that I really missed out on meeting a lot of new people, traveling and new experiences. I was the one doing the unhealthy things!” See: Fun

• “You are never, and I cannot emphasize this enough, ever responsible for someone else’s reaction or response to a situation.” See: Deflecting Responsibility

RELATED ARTICLE: How to Spot the Signs of Abusive Texts

***

If you read any of these statements and recognize these behaviors in your own relationship, reach out to a friend or a trusted adult to talk through what you’re feeling and what a safe next step would be to ensure these unhealthy behaviors do not escalate to abuse.

At 19, I felt that my unhealthy relationship defined me. If you had told me that experience would be just a blip on the radar of my life, I would not have been able to believe you.  My anxiety from that experience ruled my life, but I promise there is hope after experiencing abuse. You are not your relationship and you are not weak. The strength it takes to pick yourself up from that experience is what defines you, and I guarantee you have more people than you can imagine who are rooting for you, as I realized when I was finally able to share my story, one person at a time.

–

Chelsea Leonard is One Love’s Director of Development for the California Region.  Her “why One Love” – Relationship education is the information everyone needs but few have – it’s a no-brainer for me to be involved in expanding these resources to as many people as possible. 

Chelsea’s favorite Healthy Sign is “Healthy Conflict.”

The post Hope After Abuse: What I Wish I Knew About Relationships In College appeared first on One Love Foundation.

You’re not going to want to hear this, but if you’re thinking of shooting your shot, it might be time to think about your rejection contingency plan. Rejection happens to all of us—it’s a fact of life. And I think we can all agree that romantic rejection hits just a little different than other types. You didn’t ask, but here it is: your crash course in handling rejection with care.   

POV: You’ve been crushing on a friend for most of the school year and eagerly awaiting the chance to reveal your feelings. What better time than prom? You’ve enlisted your friends, you’ve spent hours painstakingly choreographing a flash mob and crafting a homemade sign reading: “Prom?”  

The big moment arrives. The prom-posal’s a blur but what you do remember is them shaking their head, deer-in-the-headlights look on their face as they stammer, “I’m going with someone else.” 

(Quick sidebar: A public prom-posal puts a lot of pressure on both you and your crush. Consider asking them privately to get consent before breaking out the theatrics.) 

*

Someone saying no can mean a lot of things—related and unrelated to you—but what it doesn’t mean is that something’s wrong with who you are. So, be kind to yourself. Recognize that you’re awesome and do things to boost yourself up, like hanging with friends or binging your comfort show. 

Be kind to the other person, too. Even if you’re feeling hurt, angry, embarrassed, or confused, don’t let this be the beginning of your villain arc; respect the other person enough not to send all those negative emotions their way. You wanted to go to prom with them a second ago, remember? Try to keep in mind that they’re not the bad guy, either—they’re a person with feelings and desires that just may not align with yours. 

*

POV: You’ve been dreaming of the day when school is out and you finally get to spend long summer days with your partner. Your post-graduation plans will find you at opposite ends of the country next year, so you’re looking forward to spending as much time with them as possible before you move away. You know long distance will be hard, but you know the two of you can handle it…until they sit you down and confess that they don’t want to stay together after graduation. 

RELATED: HOW TO HELP A FRIEND GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP

We’re not saying you have to like their choice—but a true sign of respect is honoring someone’s wishes or feelings, even when they don’t match your own. This means listening and sticking to the boundaries they express. 

Your first instinct may be to cling to your ex and the relationship (i.e. “let’s stay friends”), but taking it slow and spending time apart can be a healthy thing. Try to set a comfortable pace post-breakup and prioritize your needs. If you need space, take it. If you don’t want to talk, you can decline their call. It can be helpful to take a break from social media or unfollow your ex until you feel ready to know what they’re up to without you.  

But what about closure?! Closure is real, but it’s not what we’ve learned about in rom-coms. Closure is a process that challenges us to reflect, process, and accept the lessons a relationship or break-up taught us (with or without the other person’s help). It may be excruciating not to have your ex’s input as you sort through your emotions and come to terms with your situation; there may be questions you feel only they can or should answer, or you may just want to know they’re hurting too.  

When you’re going through it, it’s totally normal to feel like you can’t find closure without them, but try to take responsibility for your own feelings and make sense of the experience from your own perspective. Your ex may be a resource for those unanswered questions at first but, eventually, YOU are the only person who can turn the page on this chapter and move on. Combine reflection (journaling, meditation, talking with a mental health professional, processing with a trusted friend or adult) with activities that bring you comfort or release (exercising, playing video games, watching movies, eating a favorite snack, or snuggling your pet). Lean on your support system for venting, advice, or maybe just some good old-fashioned fun.  

Rejection sucks—no contingency plan can change that. But being better prepared can soften the blow, and over time you’ll gain perspective and begin to heal. You’ve got this (and One Love’s got you)! 

_

Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out.

Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post A Crash Course In Handling Rejection appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Teens have long learned about romance (and prom) through the movies and shows they consume. It’s among the many reasons evidence-based relationship health and media literacy education, such as One Love’s free workshops, should be a requirement for every middle school and high school student in America. The ability to analyze and unpack fictional films is essential to effectively navigating real-world complexities.  

To that end, let’s look at three films that feature prom scenes, and identify what healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors look like. The quality of your prom experience will likely come down to the person or people you go with, so make good choices, kids!  

“Pretty in Pink” 

“Pretty in Pink” premiered more than 35 years ago, yet it remains a classic for all the reasons many coming-of-age teen films do: most of characters are steaming hot messes.  

Andie (played by ‘80s icon Molly Ringwald) is an artsy and quirky high school senior who begins hanging out with Blane, a popular boy from a wealthy family. Blane eventually asks Andie to prom, but then ghosts her after his “richie” friends deem her garbage. Andie’s family has little money, while Blane wears sports jackets and button-down shirts on the weekend. (The wealth gap was an often-used point of conflict in 1980s teen films. Check out “The Karate Kid,” “Dirty Dancing,” and “The Breakfast Club.”)  

In a wonderful nod to independence and self-confidence, Andie opts to go to prom alone. So too does her pal Duckie Dale, who desperately wanted to be with Andie himself, but couldn’t find his way out of the friend zone. (To be sure, it wasn’t due to a lack of effort — Duckie wore his heart on his stylish sleeve!  But it’s also OK that Andie felt otherwise. Not every relationship involves mutual feelings.)  

The pair enter the dance together, and everyone is laughing, talking, and having a great time. Everyone, that is, but Blane, who looks like someone just ran over his dog. Blane offers Andie a lame apology, making it more about himself than what he did to her. He then tells Andie he loves her. “Always,” he adds after kissing her on the cheek.  

This is when Duckie shines. He’s at prom with the girl he has long yearned for, yet he still cares more about her happiness than his own. Forever the devoted friend, the Duck-man oozes kindness and independence — two great healthy relationship behaviors — and encourages Andie to go after Blane.  

Helping a friend in an unhealthy relationship can be complicated. Among the tips One Love recommends include being supportive, offering solutions, and allowing them to make their own decisions. Whether or not Duckie did Andie right is debatable, but there’s no question he wanted the best for her — and what more can you ask for in a prom partner?  

“Lady Bird” 

In the 2017 film “Lady Bird,” Christine, self-nicknamed Lady Bird, meets a book-reading, guitar-playing, 120-pound smoke show named Kyle (played by Timothee Chalamet) and a relationship ensues. However, it’s a relationship built on lies. Guided by her insecurities and dreams for a more exciting life, Lady Bird pretends to come from a family of wealth and even later dumps her best/nerdy friend Julie. For his part, Kyle tells Lady Bird he is a virgin just like her. The two have sex, after which Kyle casually admits he previously slept with at least six other people. Douchenozzle!  

Public service blog announcement: Manipulation is the act of influencing someone’s feelings or emotions to get what you want, and it is never okay.  Kyle’s lie, in addition to being hurtful, doesn’t allow Lady Bird to make an informed decision – a critical part of consent.  In a healthy relationship, partners share the full truth about their lives and feelings with each other. 

Although Lady Bird and Kyle have endearing qualities, their relationship is rooted in a litany of unhealthy behaviors, including uncomfortable pace and a lack of respect. And yet, she still goes to prom with him! Sometimes, the social and emotional weight we assign to big events, like prom, can cause us to make choices that are less than we deserve. 

However, the couple never makes it there. While driving to the dance with Kyle, Lady Bird realizes the relationship she most cherishes is the one with her longtime bestie. Lady Bird ditches the apathetic Kyle and finds Julie sitting at home in an oversized T-shirt. They reconcile, they cry, they laugh, and then they go to prom…together. Lady Bird and Julie have a great time at the dance because their relationship is filled with love, fun, and kindness.  

“Twilight” 

It’s not unusual to find a monster in a movie with a high school prom scene (see “Teen Wolf,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and “Carrie“). But the first “Twilight” film makes my list thanks to its main character, Bella Swan.  

First, and this is probably an unpopular take, I find Bella and Edward to be among the most cringy movie couples of all time. Yes, he’s a vampire. And sure, a group of other vampires are trying to consume Bella. But the constant intensity of Bella and Edward’s relationship is simply too much for this mere mortal to endure.  

Case in point: Bella ruins what could have been a great prom scene when she begs Edward to kill her so they can spend eternity together. Huh? They’ve been dating for little more than a hot second, but Bella is ready to commit for…eternity! 

“You don’t want this,” Edward says as they slow-dance under a gazebo.  

“I want you,” Bella retorts. “Always.” (Anyone else picking up on a trend here?)  

“So that’s what you dream about? Being a monster?” Edward asks incredulously.  

“I dream about being with you, forever,” she says.  

Ugh. Overly attached girlfriend alert!  

Romantic relationships are exciting. When you’re with someone you truly connect with, have fun with, and trust, it really does feel magical. However, all good relationships should move at a comfortable pace. Don’t mistake intensity for love, and don’t let your partner or prom date pressure you into anything. That includes alcohol and drug use, and sex.   

Take it from Edward. Sure, he was 104 years old and attending a high school prom, but the undead dude knew how to set a boundary. Despite Bella’s best efforts, Edward declined to snack on his date. A true gentleman!   

* 

If you’re going to a school prom this year, have a wonderful and safe time. Just remember, it’s not what you wear or how you arrive at the dance that most matters. It’s the people you choose to surround yourself with — your relationships! — that will make it an evening to remember. 

–

Jeff Lemberg, a former journalist and media literacy educator, is the Director of Development for One Love’s Boston region. He is passionate about social and emotional education, as well as building partnerships with nonprofit, for-profit, and governmental entities in support of relationship health.  

The post What Movie Prom Scenes Can Teach Us About Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

You grieved. You celebrated.

You spent time healing and growing in new directions.

You started a new, healthier relationship.

Suddenly, familiar feelings reminiscent of your past relationship begin bubbling to the surface, permeating your experience like an unwelcome guest.

Trauma is complex. It can lay dormant in our bodies for an unspecified amount of time, deceiving us about our beliefs surrounding our healing processes. One day – without warning, a sound, smell, or phrase unearths something uncomfortable that leaves us feeling vulnerable, confused, and afraid. This type of occurrence that leaves our bodies or brains feeling threatened or emotionally distressed can be referred to as a trigger.

When entering a new relationship (of any kind) after an unhealthy or abusive one, survivors are often triggered by the trauma of our past experiences.  Because trauma lives in our bodies, our brain can signal these past triggers to us as threats to keep us safe. Even when we are in a healthy relationship. Even when there is no real threat to us. 

Sometimes we cannot even recognize that we are responding to triggers in a way that is sabotaging a new relationship because our behaviors have been so engrained in us, making it hard to stop. Remember: self-sabotage is usually a defense mechanism.

Although it can seem daunting to exit the loop of self-sabotage, when we identify what is causing our behaviors, we can begin to address them productively through conversations with our partners, support systems, and mental health professionals in ways that honor our experiences and healing.

Below are some signs of self-sabotage in relationships, along with actionable strategies to address these behaviors.

1. Being Overly Critical

After an unhealthy or abusive relationship, the likelihood of being on guard is greater than if we had not experienced one. This is a completely normal response. It is our body and brain’s unique way of attempting to keep us safe.  For example, if we have dealt with reoccurring experiences of betrayal in a past relationship, we might feel as though we need constant validation in a new relationship. We might develop expectations for our partner to behave in extremely specific ways to avoid our triggers from occurring altogether.  This is unfair – our triggers and our actions are not someone else’s responsibility to manage.  If we are nitpicking, critiquing, or blaming our partner for our triggers, they might start to lose motivation in the relationship if they feel as though they are unable to make us happy.

2. Questioning

A critical part of combatting doubt is maintaining awareness that no relationship is perfect. Questioning in a relationship, especially in the beginning stages, and especially after an unhealthy relationship is normal and healthy. However, when we allow our fear about relationships drive these questions, it can result in something called “Relationship Imposter Phenomenon”. This fundamental lack of trust happening in the start of a relationship prevents us from building a strong foundation that may result in a combination of one or more unhealthy signs, such as guilting, isolation, and/or possessiveness. We can build trust by setting reasonable boundaries with our partners in ways that value independence, respect, and honesty. If you are interested in learning about more ways to confront Relationship Imposter Phenomenon in relationships, here are some more actionable strategies.

3. Stonewalling

A huge sign of self-sabotage can be avoiding conflict or communication altogether. This avoidance might stem from a fear of the consequences that conflict bred in the past. Without communication and healthy conflict, it becomes exceedingly difficult for a relationship to succeed. The reasons we withdrawal do not typically derive from the need to end a relationship, but rather, because we feel like we do not deserve our partner or a happy relationship. It can be a subconscious way for us to push our partner away, so we are not devastated if the relationship ends. Sometimes healthy conflict looks like taking a moment to process what happened. A partner who values your needs will understand this. Communicate what healthy conflict looks like for you even if it means taking some time instead of withdrawing entirely.

4. Holding Grudges

Forgiveness is an essential part of every relationship. Holding grudges can be yet another unconscious protection strategy. After an unhealthy relationship, the last thing we want to feel is let down or betrayed by our own instincts. A way to control this outcome is grudge holding. When we forgive, we are required to be vulnerable through a process of letting go. Though it might feel like the safest thing to do, grudge holding can keep the relationship in an environment where growth is not possible. If we are committed to the growth of the relationship, it is important for us to find ways to release that energy and cultivate space for kindness, taking responsibility, and respect.

*

As we become aware of our self-sabotage patterns, we can start to disrupt these cycles by replacing them with healthier alternatives. We begin this work through reflection about our feelings and histories. Your trauma is not your fault. Period. Take your healing at a comfortable pace, because the most important and enduring relationship for any of us will be the relationship we have with ourselves. We can start to heal that relationship by extending grace and compassion inward as we move toward the life and love we deserve to give and receive.

–

Bridget Boylan is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s New York Tri-State Region.

The post Ways We Self-Sabotage In A New Relationship After an Unhealthy One appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Losing yourself in a relationship can creep up on you without you noticing – especially in the beginning phases.  The intensity of your relationship is at an all-time high and you always want to see your partner!   This excitement can lead you to want to make this person happy at all costs, even at the cost of your independence.  Sometimes your own intensity towards your relationship makes it difficult for you to recognize that your feelings and opinions have dissolved into the background, because what matters most to you is what your partner wants.

RELATED: 5 Ways To Tell If Your Relationship Is Healthy

If this describes how you feel in your relationship, we want to make sure you have the tools necessary to help you find your way back to YOU!

Here is a list of 6 activities that can help you reconnect with yourself:

1. Create a list of the top five things that made you happy prior to being in a relationship! Look through and reflect on why these things made you happy. From there, start by adding one of these five things back into your life. Changes don’t need to happen all at once.

2.  Make sure to spend some time with your family and friends. In a healthy relationship, both partners spend time with people outside the relationship. Try to schedule some time to see your loved ones outside of the relationship, as well!

3.  Check-in with yourself by taking 10 to 15 minutes daily to journal and self-reflect. One reflection question you could start with is, “What are my strengths in my relationship?” This question will remind you of all that you are bring to your relationship and how you deserve a partnership that is based on equality.

4.  Take note of the number of times you did not express yourself in your relationship and try to understand the reason for this. When you are more aware of these instances, you are more likely to speak up the next time you do have something to say.

5.  Are there activities you would like to do with your partner, but haven’t suggested? Create a list of these activities and try to incorporate more of what you want to do when you spend time with your partner.

6.  Spend time working on your goals and your happiness! Continuing to pursue your life goals is important because it gives you things to fulfill you that sit outside of your relationship.

It takes courage to admit that you lose yourself when you’e in a relationship, but remember it is never too late to start doing the things and hanging out with the people that were important to you before you started dating.  In a healthy relationship, your partner has your best interest at heart and wants to make room for the people and activities that make you happy – so don’t lose sight of them. After all, if you are not taking care of yourself, then who will?

___

By Manisha Sareen

Manisha Sareen is One Love’s Operations/Advancement Manager

The post 6 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself When You Feel Lost in Your Relationship appeared first on One Love Foundation.

While butterflies may take flight during all stages of a relationship, we most often associate them with the beginning. It’s fun to feel excited about a new romantic prospect, but because of the way relationships unfold in modern times — via text, DM, Snapchat, and other indirect communication methods — and because many people are preoccupied with keeping their options open, sometimes that harmless, delighted feeling can metamorphize into something else: anxiety.

A quick Google search will give you the definition of anxiety: “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know – the talking or dating stage can be a super uncertain time. BUT uncertainty can deepen if someone is exhibiting unhealthy behaviors early on. The way the other person acts in this situationship has a lot of influence on whether you experience butterflies or anxiety.

So get curious about how the other person is showing up. How do their actions make you feel? Optimistic or pessimistic? Confident or insecure? Confused? Be brave and ask for clarity where you need it — their response can tell you a lot.

Look out for people who seem to be intentionally withholding their feelings, affection, or time right off the bat, as this can establish an unequal power dynamic. This person won’t meet you in the middle – they’ll wait for you to text first, be difficult to schedule with, and be evasive when it comes to talking about what they’re looking for or how they think things are going. It might feel like a roller coaster ride, or like you have to tread lightly for fear they’ll move on. This hot and cold, power-grab behavior is textbook volatility and it will give you the unpleasant, squirmy feeling of anxiety.

For a healthier option, try looking for signs of equality. Notice if you are both putting in the same effort and are similarly invested in the relationship. Feeling a sense of security may seem impossible as you’re just getting to know someone, but it’s not! You can (and should) communicate at all stages of a relationship, even early days. That doesn’t mean sharing everything upfront, but being open and honest when you feel things in the moment. You don’t have to know exactly what someone is feeling and thinking in each moment to trust their character and intentions — or to feel the flutter of wings when you think of them.

Still unsure? Try to identify yourself in these scenarios:

They text you and ask if you can hang out, but you already have plans.

If you’re feeling butterflies, you’ll feel happy (maybe even giddy) that they asked. You’ll text back to figure out a time that works for both of you.

If you’re feeling anxiety, you will drop everything and rearrange all your plans to make the hangout possible because you’re worried they’ll lose interest.

You want to define the relationship.

If you’re feeling butterflies, you may be a little nervous to ask for what you want, but you trust they’ll be honest with you (and tbh, you have a hunch they feel the same).

If you’re feeling anxiety, you’ll be worried about how they’ll react because you have no idea where their head’s at.

The beginning of a relationship comes with lots of emotions and it’s easy to confuse anxiety for butterflies when they’re in the mix. It’s important to learn to discern between the two, otherwise you could be ignoring signs a situation isn’t quite right. Don’t be afraid to let go of a relationship that is causing you more distress than joy and remember that you deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you are about them.

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out.

Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post Anxiety or Butterflies? How to tell what you’re feeling when you first start talking to someone appeared first on One Love Foundation.

“Was there alcohol involved?” 

“Why haven’t you left yet?” 

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These questions are commonly referred to as victim blaming – when a friend, colleague, or acquaintance says things to imply that you might have done something to deserve the abuse. These perspectives and mindsets are harmful on a personal level – they can be extremely disorienting and isolating for survivors, complicate the healing process, and lessen the likelihood for the survivor to seek support – as well as on a societal level. We see the effects of victim blaming mentality in the failure of our criminal justice system to treat violence and abuse as crimes deserving of serious consequences, subsequently absolving perpetrators of accountability. 

Below are some actionable ways to stop victim blaming, whether that means adjusting our own mindsets, holding abusers accountable for their behavior, or supporting survivors by publicly challenging victim blaming perspectives. 

Believe & Acknowledge  

Sharing stories of abuse is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Realize that when someone is choosing to disclose this information to you, it is an act of trust. Treat their stories with respect and believe them. It is okay if you do not know how to advise them in the moment. A listening ear and validation of their experience is crucial. 

Remind the Survivor it is Not Their Fault 

When recounting these experiences, it is normal for some survivors to blame themselves because of our society’s victim-blaming norms. Continue to listen, but be sure to reassure them that it is not their fault. 

Avoid Accusatory Questions 

Instead of asking questions about the details that surrounded the abuse, offer compassion and understanding without proving your interpretation of the event. For example, imagine that your friend is telling you about an instance where their partner sabotaged them by breaking their cellphone during an argument. Instead of asking them to recall the events leading up to the abuse, tell them that you are sorry they had to experience this, and reassure them that they do not deserve to be treated this way regardless of what the argument was about. 

Use Teachable Moments 

If you are with a group of people who are attempting to place responsibility onto the survivor, use this opportunity to teach them about the importance of holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions. These people very well might not be aware that the way they are responding is a form of victim blaming. If you are unsure where to start, here is a list of Relationship Abuse FAQ’s, Myths, and Facts. 

Understand that the Perpetrator is Fully Responsible 

Just as the perpetrator is the only person who can choose to be abusive, they are also the only person who could have stopped it. If you find yourself considering other avenues that the survivor could have taken to prevent the abuse, remind yourself that the only thing that would have changed the outcome is the perpetrator’s decision to commit it. 

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It is imperative to challenge the tradition of victim blaming in order to cultivate a safer and more just society. While we may not be able to reinvent the wheel overnight, we can inch towards collective healing in our daily lives by responding to these stories in a way that is supportive and empowers survivors to continue speaking out loud about their experiences. 

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Bridget Boylan is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s New York Tri-State Region.

The post How To Put An End to Victim Blaming appeared first on One Love Foundation.