Be Real and Honest 

First things first, honesty is key. If you know it’s time to end things, have a direct and respectful conversation. Avoid ghosting; it’s way more considerate to let the other person know where you stand. A simple, honest chat can go a long way in making the transition smoother for both of you. Respect their feelings while being clear about yours. 

Social Media Cleanse 

After ending a summer romance or friendship, your social media game needs to be strong. Here’s how to handle it: 

• Unfollow/Unfriend: If seeing their posts is too much, it’s okay to unfollow or unfriend them. It’s about your mental peace. 

• Mute: Not ready to cut ties completely? Use the mute button. You won’t see their posts, and they won’t know you’ve muted them. 

• Change Privacy Settings: Adjust your settings to limit what they can see on your profile. It helps to keep some boundaries. 

• Avoid Real-Time Location Sharing: If the relationship was unhealthy, it’s best to avoid sharing your location in real time. You don’t want to risk surprise visits or unwanted interactions. 

If your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, check out the My Plan App for help leaving that relationship safely or staying safe post-breakup. 

Handling Common Friends 

If you share mutual friends, things can get tricky. Here’s what to do: 

• Be Clear: Let your friends know about the split. They don’t need all the details, just the basics. 

• Respect Boundaries: Avoid making friends choose sides. Be civil in group settings and respect each other’s space. 

• Plan Solo Hangouts: Spend time with friends one-on-one if group hangouts feel awkward. 

Focus on Self-Care 

Ending a summer romance or friendship can be emotionally draining. Make sure to take care of yourself: 

• Stay Busy: Dive into hobbies, hit the gym, or binge-watch your favorite shows. Keeping busy helps distract you from overthinking. 

• Talk it Out: Don’t bottle up your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or even a therapist if needed. 

• Pamper Yourself: Treat yourself to something nice. A little self-love goes a long way. 

Learn and Grow 

Every relationship teaches us something. Reflect on what you’ve learned from this summer fling or friendship. Use it as a stepping stone for personal growth. 

Ending a summer romance or friendship isn’t easy, but it’s a part of life. Handle it with honesty, care, and a touch of social media savvy. Remember, it’s all about moving forward and making room for new connections. 

 – Carla M Kozen, Content Manager

The post How to End a Summer Romance or Friendship appeared first on One Love Foundation.

You’re not going to want to hear this, but if you’re thinking of shooting your shot, it might be time to think about your rejection contingency plan. Rejection happens to all of us—it’s a fact of life. And I think we can all agree that romantic rejection hits just a little different than other types. You didn’t ask, but here it is: your crash course in handling rejection with care.   

POV: You’ve been crushing on a friend for most of the school year and eagerly awaiting the chance to reveal your feelings. What better time than prom? You’ve enlisted your friends, you’ve spent hours painstakingly choreographing a flash mob and crafting a homemade sign reading: “Prom?”  

The big moment arrives. The prom-posal’s a blur but what you do remember is them shaking their head, deer-in-the-headlights look on their face as they stammer, “I’m going with someone else.” 

(Quick sidebar: A public prom-posal puts a lot of pressure on both you and your crush. Consider asking them privately to get consent before breaking out the theatrics.) 

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Someone saying no can mean a lot of things—related and unrelated to you—but what it doesn’t mean is that something’s wrong with who you are. So, be kind to yourself. Recognize that you’re awesome and do things to boost yourself up, like hanging with friends or binging your comfort show. 

Be kind to the other person, too. Even if you’re feeling hurt, angry, embarrassed, or confused, don’t let this be the beginning of your villain arc; respect the other person enough not to send all those negative emotions their way. You wanted to go to prom with them a second ago, remember? Try to keep in mind that they’re not the bad guy, either—they’re a person with feelings and desires that just may not align with yours. 

*

POV: You’ve been dreaming of the day when school is out and you finally get to spend long summer days with your partner. Your post-graduation plans will find you at opposite ends of the country next year, so you’re looking forward to spending as much time with them as possible before you move away. You know long distance will be hard, but you know the two of you can handle it…until they sit you down and confess that they don’t want to stay together after graduation. 

RELATED: HOW TO HELP A FRIEND GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP

We’re not saying you have to like their choice—but a true sign of respect is honoring someone’s wishes or feelings, even when they don’t match your own. This means listening and sticking to the boundaries they express. 

Your first instinct may be to cling to your ex and the relationship (i.e. “let’s stay friends”), but taking it slow and spending time apart can be a healthy thing. Try to set a comfortable pace post-breakup and prioritize your needs. If you need space, take it. If you don’t want to talk, you can decline their call. It can be helpful to take a break from social media or unfollow your ex until you feel ready to know what they’re up to without you.  

But what about closure?! Closure is real, but it’s not what we’ve learned about in rom-coms. Closure is a process that challenges us to reflect, process, and accept the lessons a relationship or break-up taught us (with or without the other person’s help). It may be excruciating not to have your ex’s input as you sort through your emotions and come to terms with your situation; there may be questions you feel only they can or should answer, or you may just want to know they’re hurting too.  

When you’re going through it, it’s totally normal to feel like you can’t find closure without them, but try to take responsibility for your own feelings and make sense of the experience from your own perspective. Your ex may be a resource for those unanswered questions at first but, eventually, YOU are the only person who can turn the page on this chapter and move on. Combine reflection (journaling, meditation, talking with a mental health professional, processing with a trusted friend or adult) with activities that bring you comfort or release (exercising, playing video games, watching movies, eating a favorite snack, or snuggling your pet). Lean on your support system for venting, advice, or maybe just some good old-fashioned fun.  

Rejection sucks—no contingency plan can change that. But being better prepared can soften the blow, and over time you’ll gain perspective and begin to heal. You’ve got this (and One Love’s got you)! 

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out.

Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post A Crash Course In Handling Rejection appeared first on One Love Foundation.

“I’m sorry” carries a lot of weight when it’s genuine. Saying it requires vulnerability to admit wrongdoing and the hurt that that wrongdoing has inflicted on the person you’re apologizing to. To be truly sorry means feeling regret or sorrow over an unfortunate situation and your role in it. But in unhealthy relationships, people often say, “I’m sorry” not to express genuine regret; instead, they use it to manipulate their significant other. In such cases, these words mean something else entirely, including the following five possible meanings and their synonyms.

1. A declaration made out of selfishness

Synonym: I don’t want to feel guilty anymore

I feel guilty because of what happened, and guilt isn’t a good feeling. I’m saying that I’m sorry to make myself feel better, not you.

RELATED: What Emotional Abuse Really Means

2. A means to end a dispute that the apologizer would prefer to avoid, often for lack of caring

Synonym: This conversation is over

I’m tired and bored with this disagreement so I’m using these words to end it. I probably don’t believe it or don’t care enough to get to the real issue and so I’ll say this, so you’ll stop pressing for more. It may seem that I’m submitting to your point here, but in fact, I’m using this phrase to avoid doing so.

3. A method of appeasement to control another person

Synonym: I’m in control

I’m telling you what you want to hear not because I mean it, but because I know it will appease you and then allow me to pull your strings as I desire. If I don’t say it, there’s a high likelihood of some outcome occurring that I don’t want to happen—maybe you’ll stop talking to me or leave me home alone while you go out with your friends or break up with me for good. “I’m sorry” is simply a tool I pull out from my toolbox to prevent these things from happening.

RELATED: 5 Sneaky Behaviors That Are Actually Unhealthy

4. A phrase designed to elicit an apology from the other party, whereby the original apologizer can deflect full responsibility to that other person; usually said in a hostile or sarcastic tone and often followed by an explicit or implicit “…but this is really your fault”

Synonym: you should be sorry

I wanted to hurt you and I did exactly what I knew would do so. But you started it—like always, you did something to make me upset: you weren’t where you said you’d be, you smiled at that stranger in an overtly flirtatious way, you took too long to respond to my text. Even though you might pretend that you didn’t mean to hurt me, I know that’s a lie. This is really your fault; in fact, you should be apologizing to me.

RELATED: What I Wish I Had Known About Gaslighting Before It Happened To Me

5. A means of furthering the test of how far the apologizer can push the other person’s boundaries and get away with it

Synonym: I’m testing you

I know what will hurt you and I do it with pleasure. I’m testing you to see what I can get away with—to see what you’ll put up with and what you won’t. “I’m sorry” is just something I say before I do this again—maybe the same exact way, or maybe slightly differently. Don’t worry, over time you’ll become desensitized to this; it will simply be “normal,” and so I’ll continue to push further so I can provoke you to react and keep myself entertained.

The hidden meaning behind any disingenuous “I’m sorry” is the same: I’m not really sorry because you deserve it. This is the lie that manipulators who lavish false apologies spread.

But no one deserves to be harmed, whether physically, emotionally, or with words. If your partner keeps telling you “I’m sorry” and you continue to feel worse, watch their actions. Are they really acting like someone who regrets what they’ve done, or are they doing it again, or maybe in a slightly different way? When it comes to determining if you’re in a relationship with a healthy partner, what they do is more important than what they say.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Emily Desanctis 

The post What “I’m Sorry” Means When it’s Used to Manipulate You appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Most of us are familiar with the term “ride or die,” but have no idea where the term comes from or how it gained mainstream appeal.

Inspired by the Bonnie and Clyde mythologies, the term “ride or die” was popularized in hip-hop music during the 90s and early 2000s with songs like “Ryde or Die Chick” by the Lox featuring, Drag-On and Eve, “Down A** Chick” by Ja-Rule featuring Charlie Baltimore and “Bonnie and Clyde” by Jay-Z featuring Beyoncé. Ride or die is a term used to describe a person (usually a woman) that is willing to do anything for their partner, friend, or family, even in the face of danger. A ride or die is often praised for their fierce loyalty and commitment to their partner but ride or die relationships are all too often code for unhealthy relationships.

Ride or Die Relationships Go Mainstream

When rapper T.I. and his former wife, Tiny, were arrested for drug charges, we saw the ride or die mentality in action when 50 cents tweeted that Tiny should take the fall for her man. And when Gucci Mane proposed to long-time girlfriend, Keyshia Ka’Oir, many people on social media proclaimed that the proposal was a well-deserved reward for Ka’Oir sticking with the troubled rapper through his struggles with drug addiction, infidelity, and incarceration.

On Instagram, Ceopapidon said:

“Everyone wants this, but what y’all forget was she was with Wild Gucci, on drugs Gucci, cheating Gucci, in jail Gucci , publicity with other women Gucci | This is Gucci after therapy / rehabilitation |

This is a street man Groomed in his 30’s after he’s been at his lowest | Point is, this is a RIDER who knew what she signed up for”

Whether you love the famous couple or not, it’s clear that the ride or die trope normalizes unhealthy behaviors and rewards people for staying in unhealthy relationships where they are routinely neglected and mistreated by their partner. This can be especially harmful to black women who are disproportionally impacted by unhealthy and abusive relationships. In her article “Why Black Women Struggle More With Domestic Violence,” Feminista Jones explains while Black women are almost three times more likely to be killed in an abusive relationship that their white counterparts they are less likely to seek help when a relationship becomes increasingly unhealthy. Despite this, celebrity couples continue to use the ride or die/ Bonnie and Clyde trope in music and videos.

via GIPHY

For their “On The Run Tour,” Beyoncé and Jay-Z used dreamy visuals to push their own brand of ride or die relationships. The tour’s Bonnie and Clyde inspired visuals are a declaration of the power couple’s recommitment to each other despite Jay-Z’s public admission of infidelity IRL. While it’s totally fine for a couple to work together to repair their relationship after infidelity, as Khloe Kardashian and Cardi B did amid cheating scandals, staying in a relationship out of a sense of duty or blind loyalty, as many ride or dies do, is unhealthy.

Losing sight of your own values because of a manipulative partner is a common thread among people in these types of unhealthy relationships. Before you enter a relationship you should know how you want to be loved and what your deal breakers are so that you can clearly communicate with your partner about your values and never feel like you have to give up a part of yourself for your relationship.

The Problem with Ride or Die Relationships

Ride or die relationships may as well be interchangeable with unhealthy relationships. When one partner is allowed to control the relationship they may expect their S.O. to support their every action or decision no matter the consequences. In healthy relationships, you aren’t pressured to prove your love or take the fall for your partner. You also aren’t required to endure unfair treatment of any kind.

Examples of an unhealthy partner include a partner who:

• Uses guilt to get their way
• Controls you through verbal abuse, threats or acts of physical violence
• Manipulates the other through emotional abuse
• Isolates their partner, forcing them to keep secrets and lie if necessary
• Consistently puts their own needs and desires first

Blind loyalty is not necessary for any type of relationship. Healthy couples value compromise and a sense of independence that lets both partners grow as individuals. Anyone who discredits your decision-making abilities or forces you to cover for them and knowingly puts you in harm’s way does not have your best interest at heart. In healthy relationships, you’ll never be pressured to prove your love to your S.O. because simply put #ThatsNotLove.

Are You in a Ride or Die Relationship?

Even if you don’t proudly hashtag yourself as a ride or die you may be in a relationship that falls into this category. Signs that you’re in a ride or die relationship include:

• You follow your partner without question
• You’re willing to engage in activities that make you uncomfortable and wouldn’t normally do
• You wear things that are a symbol of your loyalty
• You explain away your partner’s bad behavior
• Your partner is a priority over your family/friends
• You’ve been confronted by a friend who sees your relationship as controlling
• You feel the need to hide your partner’s actions or things you do together
• Your partner encourages you to “take one for the team”
• You’ve already accepted blame or consequences for their negative or illegal actions

A Break-up Does Not Equal Failure

Even in happy relationships, the lax promotion of ride or die relationships only serves to put more steam behind a damaging movement. Promoting blind loyalty essentially makes break-ups synonymous with failure when nothing could be further from the truth. Every relationship offers valuable learning experiences and brings us closer to understanding who we are and what’s important to us.

The person that was perfect for us at one stage of our lives may no longer fit later on, and that’s OK. Evolving as a person sometimes means change is necessary; those experiences aren’t failures. That’s why we shouldn’t ride or die through toxic relationships.

If your partner tries to push a ride or die mentality, it’s time to set boundaries or walk away from the relationship. Consider these options:

• When you’re asked to do something you’re not comfortable with, speak up right away
• If something doesn’t feel right, trust your gut
• Be honest about what you will and won’t do
• Remember that it’s healthy to take time away from the relationship if you need it
• Take responsibility for your own actions, not your partner’s actions
• Leave if you see or experience anything that puts you in danger
• If you’ve shared how you feel and your boundaries aren’t respected, it’s time to move on

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Carrie Manner

 

It’s time we all agreed that ride or die relationships has ridden its course. For more information about what a healthy relationship looks like, check out our article 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship.

The post Why Ride or Die Culture Promotes Unhealthy Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Dealing with the emotional turmoil of a breakup is the worst, especially when you’re in college. Add a breakup to an already hectic schedule, final exams, group presentations (ugh), and you have a recipe for disaster. Not all breakups are created equal but college breakups rank pretty high in my book. Before you pull out the Ben & Jerry’s here are a few healthy ways to bounce back from a breakup.

Are You Suffering From Heartbreak?

Everyone handles breakups differently. Some people are back in action within a week while others will not start datings someone new until months later. Heartbreak can disguise itself as many things, binge drinking, workaholism, anxiety, but the first step toward healing is acknowledgment. How do you know that you’re suffering from heartbreak? Here are a few signs that you aren’t over it:

• • You can’t stop thinking about your ex
  • You are checking their social media feeds
  • You talk about them obsessively with your friends
  • Or, you  refuse to talk about your breakup with your friends
  • You may be overdoing the partying
  • You neglect your responsibilities 
  • You have a loss of appetite
  • Or, you are eating more than usual
  • You can’t stop crying
  • You keep analyzing your breakup 
  • You feel tired, or lethargic all of the time

Breakups really do suck, don’t they? You can bounce back from a breakup with the following tips:

via GIPHY

1. Start Dating (Yourself) Immediately  

Who says you have to wait for Mr/Mrs. right? Part of bouncing back from a breakup is relearning how to be single…again. While it’s fun to learn interesting quirks about a potential suitor, rediscovering all of the amazing things you set aside during your relationship is a foolproof plan for getting yourself out of an emotional rut. By redirecting your focus to the positive (“I’ve been meaning to do this for months!”) rather than the negative (“I failed at love again”), you will completely change your perspective and train yourself to look toward the positive. 

Related: 7 Ways To Be Good To Yourself

2. Be Honest 

At One Love, we focus on honesty as the cornerstone of a healthy relationship but what about honesty in your relationship with yourself? Experts say when people remember the past there is a natural tendency to reimagine their experience by overlooking the things that made them uncomfortable. That means you’ll remember very clearly that time your ex surprised you with those tickets to Coachella that you really wanted. What you won’t recall so easily are all of the times they gaslit you. Our natural inclination to romanticize the past is not inherently dishonest, however, holding this morphed version of the past as the absolute truth is not fair to you. 

When this happens, try not to judge yourself. The key is to be aware of your tendency to overlook or rationalize your partner’s unhealthy behaviors. 

 To understand why we romanticise the past, check out this video by the School of Life:

3. Don’t Suggest to Stay Friends

Suggesting that you and your ex remain friends after a breakup might seem like the “adult” thing to do, especially if you’re worried about awkward encounters in your campus coffee shop, however, this is not always realistic. It’s normal to feel attached to your ex immediately following a breakup. The healthier thing to do whether you were in an unhealthy relationship or not is to give yourself space to heal until you’ve completely moved on. 

If you’re recovering from an unhealthy relationship, staying involved on any level can cause emotional turmoil that ultimately does way more harm than good. Take stock of how your ex effects you emotionally. There are no hard and fast rules that say you have to communicate with someone that stirs up feelings of unworthiness, anxiety, and fear.

Related: 3 Ways To Let Go of Emotional Wounds

4. Take a Social Media Timeout

There are two camps in the should you or shouldn’t you follow your ex on social media debate. Some people see unfollowing their ex as a sign of immaturity and hurt feelings. Other people feel like there is absolutely no reason to keep tabs on someone you are no longer dating. No matter where you fall in this debate it’s safe to say that following your ex on social media could have some major effects on your ability to move on. Why? Because social media reveals parts of their lives that you would never be exposed to otherwise. Seeing your ex happier without you can intensify heartbreak and your natural tendency to reimagine the past.

Avoid the urge to post those passive aggressive memes you stored over the weekend, stop scrolling through the sea of (seemingly) happy couples on Instagram and take your breakup as a sign to rekindle your friendships IRL. Being around a lot of laughing, smiling people may be the last thing you want to do when you’re dealing with heartbreak, however, surrounding yourself with friends can help you feel supported and cared for. Don’t brush off that hiking trip or plans to see a movie after class.

And if the temptation to scroll gets too strong, delete the apps from your phone for a week or two and focus on a new hobby. One of my own personal coping skills for staying away from social media for a while is creating playlists that make me happy and then organizing a happy dance party with friends. Nothing better than some spontaneous physical exercise to help lift the weight of heavy emotions! 

Related: 6 Surprising Thoughts You Might Have After a Traumatic Breakup

5. Avoid Partying The Pain Away

I know, a good dorm party often seems like the best way to clear your head. It could also be a good way to meet new people if you are ready for that. There is a difference between indulging in a night out and partying to avoid dealing with your breakup. A healthier way to process your emotions following your breakup is to speak to a friend. Sometimes a good conversation with someone you trust.

I remember a breakup of mine where I thought I had things handled emotionally, but every time I went out the night ended in tears. Luckily, I had a great group of supportive friends who helped me understand that I wasn’t handling anything very well. Partying became my way of escaping from it all. With their help and patient conversation, I was able to work through it.

6. Trust Your Gut

Unhealthy relationships can make you question your judgment and lose confidence in your decision making. After you’ve ended a relationship you’ll likely have some variation of “Should I have ended things?” or “My ex really wasn’t that bad,” running in your mind. That’s totally normal. Trust your gut, and trust that you ended things for good reason. 

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Jade Anna Hughes

 

Related: Yes, You Should Trust Your Gut (Here’s How)

Visit #AskOneLove for more healthy coping techniques to handle a breakup.

The post How To Bounce Back From A Breakup appeared first on One Love Foundation.

It’s difficult to rescue yourself from a bad relationship when you sort of feel like you belong there. It would seem that leaving an unhealthy relationship would be super easy, but it’s not that simple. Like any relationship, leaving is often more of a process than an event. Because of the impact unhealthy relationships can have on your self-worth, leaving can take extra time, mental energy, pep talks with friends, and an extra large dose of self-love before you are ready.

You may find that you’re in a place where the narrative in your head sounds like: Who am I to want more; I’m not perfect either? Who am I to be happy? Who will even want me, if I leave? The very important thing to remember is you are worthy, you will be happy, you do deserve more, and you will very much be wanted.

Know that successfully leaving an unhealthy relationship is complicated, but not impossible. The best antidote to combat these thoughts and help you through the process is to add in some extra self-love. To give yourself love and compassion, consider the following seven tactics.

1. Keep a journal

Writing in a journal can be a great way to air out your thoughts and feelings. Engaging in a free writing exercise where you write without censor will often reveal more about who you truly are and what you want/deserve. Journal writing will give you a way to document any incidents of unhealthy behaviors and mistreatment. Also, having a space to document this unhealthy relationship behavior will help you not discount your experience. The act of writing out what you have kept hidden is a great way for you to find your voice.  

2. Find Some Joy

It doesn’t take much to shift into a place of empowerment. Sometimes the smallest things can give you enough light to find your way through. Reconnect with an old hobby. If painting, writing, singing, decorating etc. was your thing before the relationship, dip back into that. Enjoy the sunrise or sunset, or listen to uplifting music. Engage in activities that make you smile. Doing things that remind you that you are special and worthy can help you move toward letting go of your partner and stepping away from the relationship.

3. Cut Yourself Some Slack

Go easy on yourself. This road has been hard, but it will get better. One of the biggest things to defeat is negative thoughts you may have towards yourself and the relationship. Replacing old thoughts with new affirmations is a good way to get rid of thoughts that don’t serve you well. Anytime you have a thought that doesn’t make you feel good, switch to a thought that leaves you feeling more empowered. If you struggle in this area, here are a few examples:

Negative Thought: “I’m so stupid to have been with this person.”  

Affirmation: “This was a learning experience, I am learning how to love myself better and prepare for a more healthy relationship.”

Negative Thought: “Nobody else is going to want me after this relationship.”

Affirmation:“I am strong, beautiful/handsome and intelligent. The right person will appreciate me.”

Negative Thought: “Relationships take a lot of work. I just need to hang in there.”  

Affirmation: “I deserve someone that makes me feel supported and loved for who I am.”

Negative Thought: “Maybe I’m not supposed to be happy.”

Affirmation: “I am a good and worthy person who deserves to be happy.”

Always remember you are not alone. Many have been in your shoes and have made it out just fine. The fact that you are seeking better is a good indication that you are on your way.

4. Don’t Rationalize Bad Behavior

When a person is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it’s very common for them to make excuses for their partner’s actions: They are only mean sometimes; s/he’s really a good person, s/he doesn’t hit me (but s/he emotionally abuses me). We don’t argue (but s/he can be passive aggressive). I am to blame because I agitate him/her, I don’t do enough to help him/her, or I don’t do anything right.

If a person is making excuses for their partner, they are usually also taking the blame for their bad behavior. A classic case of gaslighting is when you feel responsible for your partner’s bad behavior. Any given situation can be twisted around and the abused person will mistakenly see themselves as the cause of their own misfortune.

Regardless of whether or not the abuser will ever admit when they’re wrong, it’s not up to you take the blame.

5. Find Support

Being in an abusive relationship can feel very isolating. The shame, guilt, social pressures, and expectations can keep you from wanting to open up to others. When you keep it bottled up inside, it’s easy to straddle the fence and convince yourself that nothing is really wrong. Talking to a professional counselor who specializes in relationship or domestic abuse can be instrumental to getting you the assistance you need. They will most likely have access to resources that you may find helpful.

A professional counselor can help you identify the abuse. For people in an abusive relationship, it’s not always easy to recognize abuse, especially if the only kinds of relationships they’ve known have been abusive. It may not even seem like a big deal. A counselor will reassure you that it is a big deal and help teach you the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. When this happens, it becomes difficult to turn away from what you know is true. The truth will empower you to make changes. A counselor can be your cheerleader, advocate, or person in your corner that helps give you the push you need.

6. Ignore Bad Relationships Advice

If your loved ones are telling you things like, “At least you have somebody,” or “S/he makes good money, you better hold on to him/her,” and a bunch of other bad advice that is not aligned with the way you feel as a result of being in the relationship, you should ignore them. Sometimes well-meaning friends give us relationship advice that is not healthy or realistic. When this happens, gently offer them some of the healthy tips you’re learning on your own journey.

7. Reconnect With Family/Friends Who Care

Isolation is something people often experience in unhealthy relationships and can happen when a person is separated from their family/friends or anything that gives them a connection to something other than their partner. Isolation makes it easier for an abuser to control without any interference. In the process, the abused person loses their identity.  A critical step toward healing and moving forward in the process of ending the relationship is reconnecting with family/friends that have your best interest at heart. They help remind you of those great things that you forgot about yourself when you entered this relationship. Family and friends are critical for reinforcing your self-worth and supporting your decision to leave the relationship.

It’s important to note that the most dangerous time in an unhealthy or abusive relationship is during and after a breakup. If you or someone you know is considering leaving an abusive relationship, it’s critical that a safety plan is created. For help with safety planning, or for counseling and advice, check out our “real-time resources” page to find help from trusted professionals like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and to develop a path to safety. 

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Shaneka Seals

The post 5 Ways to Find The Courage (You Already Have) to Leave appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Breaking up with someone is hard enough, but when it’s because of unhealthy patterns or relationship abuse, it gets even more complicated. There will come a time when you’re at peace with your decision to end the relationship and feel ready to start another one. Until then, you might be surprised at some of the thoughts that arise.

Just because you’re thinking about your ex doesn’t mean you are meant to get back together. When it happens (and it will), try not to judge yourself for having those thoughts. Instead, take time to understand what’s triggering your lingering thoughts about your ex and then figure out what you can do about them. Giving yourself space to explore all of your thoughts about the previous relationship can help to empower you to pull through these residual feelings, in spite of it all. Read on to learn how to handle some of the conflicting thoughts that you might have after a traumatic breakup.

1. It Feels Like My Ex Is Still Around

Even though the relationship is over, your ex can still be “present” in your life. Do you ever find yourself replaying things in your mind and thinking about what you could have said or done differently? Are you reminded of things your ex would say or do,  good or bad? With all of the shared experiences you’ve had, there will be lots of memories. While reminiscing over the past is normal, don’t let memories of you and your ex together dominate your thoughts.

As you go through these thoughts, just remember, your ex no longer has a hold on you. When you look back on things, try to see what you did to accommodate your significant other in the relationship. Were the adjustments you made healthy or not? Did they change or restrict you? Recognizing that your ex’s behavior was abusive will curb any desire to romanticize your experience or any lingering feeling you may have.  

You can’t change the past, but you can live in the present and focus on the future. Instead of constantly focusing on these memories and keeping the past alive, think about what you learned and can do differently the next time around. Think about the things that you will not tolerate again in your next relationship – perhaps even make a list or commit them to paper.

2. I Miss My Ex

You probably miss the companionship and good parts of the relationship. There were real feelings and memories there. And you probably wanted the relationship to be better, not over. You might have to admit that you are still having a hard time letting go. And that’s ok.

Abusive relationships are complicated and the emotional fallout of leaving one can be a lot for anyone to handle. When you initially break up, it’s normal for your thoughts to swing between missing the moments you shared with your ex and not knowing why you stayed in the relationship for so long. Again, this is completely fine.

When romanticizing the past we tend to forget about the disappointing things or unhealthy behaviors that happened during the relationship which can prevent us from moving on. Try creating a pros and cons list for the relationship. On the list, be honest about the times they’ve hurt you. Doing so will help diminish our natural inclination to fantasize about the past and romanticize about what it could have been.

3. Why Am I Still Doing Some Of The Same Activities That My Ex and I Used To Do Together?

You may have picked up certain habits or routines while with your ex. Or maybe you and your ex would do certain activities together. The question to ask yourself here is whether or not the activities and routines are healthy or useful TO YOU. Let’s say that you and your ex used to regularly bike together, and you enjoyed biking so much that you’ve continued to bike by yourself. That’s not such a bad thing, as long as it is not holding you back, keeping you stuck in the past, or stopping you from moving on.

You can make biking your own interest by exploring some new bike paths, asking a friend to join you for a bike ride, joining a cycling group, planning a bike riding trip, or participating in a bike-a-thon or a bike race. There are many ways to make biking your own experience.  If on the other hand, you realize that you’d rather swim than bike because you enjoy swimming more than biking. Then, you should get rid of your bike and start swimming instead. You can always change your habits and routines, especially if they are not working for you. Try replacing an old routine with something new that you enjoy. There’s no time like the present to do that.

4. No One Understands

Do you have friends who know what you’ve been through, but have not acknowledged what happened or asked how you are doing? Have you had someone say something insensitive to you like, “You’ll get over it. You are young. You’ll have lots more opportunities?”

Perhaps your friends simply don’t know how to bring up the topic with you, don’t know how to be supportive, or they may not realize the depths of the unhealthy relationship behaviors you experienced. When you’re ready, break the ice and talk to them about what you’ve been through. Invite them to ask you questions about it and tell them what you need from them.

It might also be a good idea to find a support group of people who have been through what you’ve been through. You’ll be able to meet and talk to others who have had a similar experience. And you’ll be amongst people who can empathize and understand. You can learn from the experiences of others in the group, and the reverse may also happen with others learning from your story.

5. Am I Safe?

If you feel a sense of dread and danger, you may be suffering from a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. You may need to get professional help if these thoughts are making it hard for you to go about your daily life.

Focus on your resolve to never let your ex harm you anymore. If you haven’t already done so, you should take measures toward completely cutting off any communications with your ex. Or in the most extreme cases, filing a restraining order may be necessary to protect yourself.

Think about what makes you feel safe. Re-establish old routines that make you feel safe. Talk to trusted friends and family about your feelings. Think about which of your friends are reliable and trustworthy and ask them for support – perhaps even check in with someone on a daily basis. If you need to, consider working with your friends and/or family to create a safety plan.

6. Being Alone Is Harder Than I Thought

Going through a breakup is hard. There is a sense of loss and you may not be used to being on your own. You may feel lonely at times. But certainly there were also hard things about being in a relationship that was unhealthy or involved abuse.

However, now that you are out of a relationship, it’s time for a new beginning. You can start new routines and reframe your personal boundaries. Reconnect with your family and friends, or get out there and socialize with new people.

Get comfortable with doing things by yourself or for yourself. Focus on self-care: Pamper yourself, get a massage, or treat yourself to a spa day. Try something new whether it’s learning a different language, taking a class or picking up a new hobby. Take advantage of all the time you now have to yourself.

Seek Help

If you have any of these six thoughts, acknowledge them but don’t condemn yourself for having any of them. Healing is a process and it’s often not a linear one. Put yourself in the driver’s seat by making sure that you take care of yourself and put yourself first. Take time to feel comfortable on your own, and to find yourself again. Build a support network for yourself by reaching out to trusted friends and family or to a support group.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help and don’t rush into a new relationship right away. You might be simply substituting your old relationship for a new one. It’s important to understand what didn’t work in your past relationship and to know what you will and won’t put up with in your next relationship.

Many people who have gone through a breakup might not want to admit having had some of these thoughts. You’ll be ahead of the game if you prepare yourself by anticipating some of the thoughts that might come up for you as you go through your breakup.

Sources:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

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