Be Real and Honest 

First things first, honesty is key. If you know it’s time to end things, have a direct and respectful conversation. Avoid ghosting; it’s way more considerate to let the other person know where you stand. A simple, honest chat can go a long way in making the transition smoother for both of you. Respect their feelings while being clear about yours. 

Social Media Cleanse 

After ending a summer romance or friendship, your social media game needs to be strong. Here’s how to handle it: 

• Unfollow/Unfriend: If seeing their posts is too much, it’s okay to unfollow or unfriend them. It’s about your mental peace. 

• Mute: Not ready to cut ties completely? Use the mute button. You won’t see their posts, and they won’t know you’ve muted them. 

• Change Privacy Settings: Adjust your settings to limit what they can see on your profile. It helps to keep some boundaries. 

• Avoid Real-Time Location Sharing: If the relationship was unhealthy, it’s best to avoid sharing your location in real time. You don’t want to risk surprise visits or unwanted interactions. 

If your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, check out the My Plan App for help leaving that relationship safely or staying safe post-breakup. 

Handling Common Friends 

If you share mutual friends, things can get tricky. Here’s what to do: 

• Be Clear: Let your friends know about the split. They don’t need all the details, just the basics. 

• Respect Boundaries: Avoid making friends choose sides. Be civil in group settings and respect each other’s space. 

• Plan Solo Hangouts: Spend time with friends one-on-one if group hangouts feel awkward. 

Focus on Self-Care 

Ending a summer romance or friendship can be emotionally draining. Make sure to take care of yourself: 

• Stay Busy: Dive into hobbies, hit the gym, or binge-watch your favorite shows. Keeping busy helps distract you from overthinking. 

• Talk it Out: Don’t bottle up your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or even a therapist if needed. 

• Pamper Yourself: Treat yourself to something nice. A little self-love goes a long way. 

Learn and Grow 

Every relationship teaches us something. Reflect on what you’ve learned from this summer fling or friendship. Use it as a stepping stone for personal growth. 

Ending a summer romance or friendship isn’t easy, but it’s a part of life. Handle it with honesty, care, and a touch of social media savvy. Remember, it’s all about moving forward and making room for new connections. 

 – Carla M Kozen, Content Manager

The post How to End a Summer Romance or Friendship appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Losing yourself in a relationship can creep up on you without you noticing – especially in the beginning phases.  The intensity of your relationship is at an all-time high and you always want to see your partner!   This excitement can lead you to want to make this person happy at all costs, even at the cost of your independence.  Sometimes your own intensity towards your relationship makes it difficult for you to recognize that your feelings and opinions have dissolved into the background, because what matters most to you is what your partner wants.

RELATED: 5 Ways To Tell If Your Relationship Is Healthy

If this describes how you feel in your relationship, we want to make sure you have the tools necessary to help you find your way back to YOU!

Here is a list of 6 activities that can help you reconnect with yourself:

1. Create a list of the top five things that made you happy prior to being in a relationship! Look through and reflect on why these things made you happy. From there, start by adding one of these five things back into your life. Changes don’t need to happen all at once.

2.  Make sure to spend some time with your family and friends. In a healthy relationship, both partners spend time with people outside the relationship. Try to schedule some time to see your loved ones outside of the relationship, as well!

3.  Check-in with yourself by taking 10 to 15 minutes daily to journal and self-reflect. One reflection question you could start with is, “What are my strengths in my relationship?” This question will remind you of all that you are bring to your relationship and how you deserve a partnership that is based on equality.

4.  Take note of the number of times you did not express yourself in your relationship and try to understand the reason for this. When you are more aware of these instances, you are more likely to speak up the next time you do have something to say.

5.  Are there activities you would like to do with your partner, but haven’t suggested? Create a list of these activities and try to incorporate more of what you want to do when you spend time with your partner.

6.  Spend time working on your goals and your happiness! Continuing to pursue your life goals is important because it gives you things to fulfill you that sit outside of your relationship.

It takes courage to admit that you lose yourself when you’e in a relationship, but remember it is never too late to start doing the things and hanging out with the people that were important to you before you started dating.  In a healthy relationship, your partner has your best interest at heart and wants to make room for the people and activities that make you happy – so don’t lose sight of them. After all, if you are not taking care of yourself, then who will?

___

By Manisha Sareen

Manisha Sareen is One Love’s Operations/Advancement Manager

The post 6 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself When You Feel Lost in Your Relationship appeared first on One Love Foundation.

This year, I’ve decided to clean out more than my overstuffed drawers and dusty warm weather wardrobe – I’m going to take a fresh look at my relationships. Whether romantic or a friendship, brand new or long standing, any relationship can benefit from a fresh look because we all do unhealthy things and, if they’re anything like my desk junk drawer, it can get out of control overnight.

Step 1: Open up the door that’s been closed for too long.

Like that closet we don’t open for fear we’ll get buried under an avalanche of thrifted cardigans and SAT practice exams, the relationships we are most hesitant to take a deeper look at are the ones that need it the most. Situations, words and actions in our relationships that make us feel inadequate or anxious are better off brought into the light by having a conversation with our partner or friend. There is no doubt that it can be extremely uncomfortable to talk about these feelings, but I promise you – you will feel much better leaving unhealthy relationship patterns in last season.

Step 2: Polish Your Knowledge

It’s important to ask yourself questions about how you FEEL in a relationship. Using the 10 signs of an Unhealthy Relationship to form these questions is a great place to start:

• • Isolation: Do they make the effort to spend time with my friends or family? Do they talk me out of meeting up with old friends or get upset when I do? How do I feel about that?
  • Intensity: How do I feel when I check my phone and I see 3 missed calls from them? Does a barrage of texts from them excite me or make me feel anxious to read them?
  • Manipulation: Do they ask me to do things like share my passwords or my location as a test to prove I don’t have anything to hide? How does that sit with me?

If you asked yourself any of the above questions and got an uneasy feeling – both what you thought in your head and how you felt in your body – it may be time to think about cutting ties with that individual safely because these unhealthy behaviors in a relationship can be a precursor to more abusive behaviors.

Step 3: Toss what doesn’t bring you Joy (trademark to Marie Kondo…?)

Our society can easily socialize us NOT to trust our gut – but if you do not like the way your relationship makes you feel, don’t talk yourself out of it. Trust that your gut is telling you what is best for you. Confide in a friend or an adult you trust and create a safety plan – a plan specific to your relationship that helps you avoid potentially dangerous situations that can arise during a breakup. Most importantly, know that you are not alone and feeling angst about any of the situations above (or any of the other Unhealthy Signs) is not the way your relationships have to stay.

*

Spring Cleaning is something that can easily be put off – it feels too daunting of a task, you wouldn’t even know where to start, you’ve been fine for this long so why change, or what if you just make a bigger mess out of things – but the possibly arduous task of cleaning out your relationships, or that closet, will undoubtedly create space in your life for happier days and relationships that lift you up, not bring you down.

–

Chelsea Leonard is One Love’s Director of Development for the California Region.  Her “why One Love” – Relationship education is the information everyone needs but few have – it’s a no-brainer for me to be involved in expanding these resources to as many people as possible. 

Chelsea’s favorite Healthy Sign is “Healthy Conflict.”

The post 3 Steps to Spring Clean Your Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

 I relive that shudder invoking experience to let you know if you feel angst over Valentine’s Day, you aren’t alone. Here are three ways to have a more enjoyable February 14th.  

*Name changed to protect his identity and because I have to imagine he is just as embarrassed as I am to this day.  

Establish Boundaries around the Day 

There are a lot of aspects of a traditional Valentine’s Day that can be uncomfortable so, establishing what you are and are not comfortable with beforehand can ease stress and expectations. If you would rather not carry a massive stuffed teddy bear or half a dozen roses around campus, make that clear ahead of time. One person’s romantic surprise can be another’s social anxiety meltdown (see kneeling Allan above). If you are exchanging gifts, plan ahead together on when and where you will exchange them and set a dollar amount if you do plan to spend money. Don’t feel the need to recognize the day with a candlelit dinner or look to media and culture to define how it should go.  A nice Valentine’s Day gift, dinner or display of affection does not establish a quid pro quo for anything you are uncomfortable with.  

Ignore the Whole Day All Together

As much as Hallmark and Hollywood would like you to believe, participation in Valentine’s Day is not a requirement for a heart-warming coming-of-age story or a relationship that ends in a country club wedding and a honeymoon in Hawaii. You have every right to ignore the candy-grams, wear not a thread of red, and move about your day as normal – regardless of your relationship status. If someone has an opinion about it, that’s on them. Besides, who’s the real winner when you go get 50% off all the Reese’s hearts on the 15th? 

Take this Time to Evaluate Your Feelings 

This is a great opportunity to take a good look at your relationship – new or long-term. Did you want to get together with your friend group on Valentine’s Day, but your partner only wants to hang out with you because “that’s how much they love you”? Did you tell them you don’t want to exchange gifts at school, but you’re worried they may make a grand gesture anyway, even knowing you’re uncomfortable? Are you worried that if you mention anything that’s contrary to what they want to do, they’ll get upset or angry? If any of these are true, it’s time to talk to a friend or a trusted adult about the possible unhealthy signs that you are experiencing in your relationship and decide how you want to move forward. 

 *

We already have enough pressure to have the perfect relationship – don’t let this one day define who you are as a person, a couple, or anything about your relationship. Remember, one of the 10 Healthy Signs is Fun and that’s exactly what your Valentine’s Day should be if you choose to celebrate it.  

–

Chelsea Leonard is One Love’s Director of Development for the California Region.  Her “why One Love” – Relationship education is the information everyone needs but few have – it’s a no-brainer for me to be involved in expanding these resources to as many people as possible. 

Chelsea’s favorite Healthy Sign is “Healthy Conflict.”

The post 3 Ways to Avoid Valentine’s Day Angst appeared first on One Love Foundation.

We’ve all been there. You’re scrolling Instagram to kill time and someone’s just posted a #gorgeous couples pic. Whether it’s a fun weekend activity (this time of year, I’m looking at you, apple picking), highlights from a past vacation, or a mushy anniversary post, it racked up a ton of likes, and all your friends are commenting “goals” “<3 <3 <3” “*row of heart-eye emojis*”. 

If you’re anything like me, you might chime in with those loving comments, since there’s nothing wrong with seeing people happy. But, looking at this display of total bliss might also leave you with a small sinking feeling. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll start to wonder: “Why aren’t we that happy? Why can’t we look so perfect?” I’ve even fallen into this trap with some of my platonic friends. 

The problem is, the minute you see those smiling faces, you’re starting to make comparisons. Here are three reasons why you shouldn’t. 

1. Like anything else online, you’re only seeing what they want you to see. 

I feel like this point has been made – ever since apps like Snapchat and Instagram exploded in popularity in the early 2010s, but it bears repeating here. While you know every minute of ups and downs in your own life, you’re only exposed to the highlight reel of someone else’s on social media. Everyone wants to look happy. No one posts stories of the arguments they had two minutes before or after someone snapped the perfect golden hour photo. No one talks about the days that don’t go as planned. It’s easier than ever to control how our friends and followers perceive us, and easier to pretend that we’re all smiles, even when we aren’t on the same page with our partner. 

2. #RelationshipGoals? Or… #RelationshipInsecurities? 

If you see happy couples everywhere, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that their day-to-day lives are as great as what they share online. That could make you feel pressure to keep your relationship “happy”, even when it’s not.

Ironically, those efforts to constantly appear perfect could make you even less satisfied with what you have. Small problems could make you think your relationship is broken, even when your issues are really not that serious. 

Alternatively, you might feel added pressure to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy and problematic out of fear of disappointing friends, family, and, yes, even your social media followers. Those likes and hearts are insidious little dopamine shots. You don’t want to seem like a failure and lose something that brought you so much approval. 

No matter which way you turn, these unhealthy expectations can be paralyzing. 

3. You’re doing your own, beautiful thing.

And you (and your partner) deserve to be validated for *that*, not for fitting into someone else’s standards or the ones you see established on social media. 

No two relationships will look exactly the same, because they involve different people. Comparing any facet of our lives to what we see of those of others is a fast track to disappointment. It can cause stress and fear that you’re not measuring up or that you’re behind in life when there’s really no one-size-fits-all timeline. And when these anxieties and doubts infiltrate our most important relationships, they can cause a lot of damage. 

Social media is great for staying in touch with friends and family, but it can also create unrealistic harmful expectations. To see more about how a rosy online presence can cover up the truth about unhealthy relationships, check out One Love’s Behind the Post videos. 

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Jess Costello 

The post 3 Reasons to Stop Comparing Your Relationship to Couples on Social Media appeared first on One Love Foundation.

How do you know what you need in a relationship? Do you figure it out as you go, or do you know before you’ve even entered a relationship? What does it even mean to have needs in a relationship, and how do you make sure they’re met? What about what your partner needs? If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, or never thought about these questions before, you’ve come to the right article.

Having needs means having expectations and desires you feel fit your unique role in your relationship. Not everyone needs the same thing but, there are a few things that everyone absolutely deserves to have in every relationship. For example, everyone deserves respect, equality, and kindness. Without those things, your relationship may not be very healthy. But even with all of those things, healthy relationships aren’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. However, we can learn ways to love our partners even better. So, one way we can learn to #lovebetter in our relationships is by learning how to express our needs.

Related: 18 Ways To #LoveBetter in Your Relationship, Right Now

How Do You Know What Your Needs Are?

Let’s start with the basics: how do you know what you need in a relationship? A great place to start is by looking at your needs in other parts of your life. When you’re at work or at school, how do you feel valued and respected there? Maybe it’s through communication with your coworkers/classmates, or it’s regular check-ins with your boss/professor to make sure you feel like you’re doing a good job. Or, maybe you prefer to be more independent and to do your own thing and check in every once in a while. In your friendships, how do your friends make you feel good? Maybe they make you feel good by complimenting you and supporting you, or it’s by making you laugh and having a good time together. Maybe some friends are great listeners, or maybe you’re the one they come to for advice and that makes you feel good.

Identifying your needs can be easier than you think; what makes you feel loved? For me, what makes me feel loved is being held and getting physical affection, having meaningful conversations where I feel heard, doing things together (like cooking), and the occasional thoughtful unprovoked act (like when my partner cleans the apartment before guests come over because he knows I like that; even if it doesn’t really matter to him, he does it to make me happy).

Sometimes, we learn what we need through conflict. You might get upset when you feel like someone isn’t listening to you, or when someone isn’t giving you your space and alone time. It’s obviously better if we’re able to identify our needs and express them to our partner before getting into a conflict about it, but sometimes that is how we figure out what our needs are. Try to use those as learning experiences to avoid those conflicts in the future. It’s also important to remember that our partners aren’t mind readers, so we can’t assume that they’ll know exactly what we need before we tell them.

Related: 10 Life Skills You Should Have Before You Get Into a Relationship

How Do You Express Your Needs in a Healthy Way?

Now that you’ve identified what your needs are, expressing them to your partner is the next step. This can be a little tricky because you may be thinking, ‘How do I even bring that up in a conversation?’ Like I mentioned before, it can be something that comes up after a conflict. But, if we can avoid that conflict to begin with by expressing our needs ahead of time, that would definitely be better for everyone.

You can honestly bring it up however you want. If you’re in a new relationship, you can make it a part of getting to know each other. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you can use it to address things that have come up in the past. You can say something like, “I just read this AMAZING article about expressing needs in a relationship and it got me thinking…”

Then, it’s the question of how to express your needs without seeming, well, needy. Remember that needs are something that everyone has and everyone has the right to feel heard, valued, and respected in their relationships. Also, remember that you’re not making a list of demands because that is controlling and not okay. Needs and demands are very different. You’re not telling your partner what they have to do, you’re telling your partner how to love you better. So, it shouldn’t feel like you’re giving them a laundry list of required behaviors/actions; it should feel like a discussion about how to #lovebetter. Rather than saying, “give me hugs because I need physical affection”, you could say, “one of the things I feel like I need is physical affection, so do you think you can make an effort to hug me more?” But what happens if your partner responds, “I hate hugs, so I can’t do that”?

Related: 5 Easy Ways To Communicate Better in Your Relationship

What About What Your Partner Needs?

Uh oh. You’ve finally figured out how to express your needs to your partner only to find out they don’t match up with your partners’ needs? Time to break up?! Not so fast. This is not an automatic deal breaker so long as you find a way to compromise for each other without totally squashing each other’s needs. Okay, maybe they don’t like hugs (some people just aren’t huggers), but there are other ways they can meet your physical affection need. Maybe they can hold your hand while you walk together, or they can put their arm around you while you watch TV together.

Compromise is not always easy, but the goal is to have a win-win situation for everyone. So, communicate with your partner about how to do that without squashing either of your needs. It’s also important to remember that compromise means meeting halfway with your S.O. If one of you is not willing to do that, then you may have to re-evaluate your relationship.

Your partner should care about and respect your needs, and you should feel the same about theirs. Check in with your partner about their needs and ask them if you’re making them feel loved. We may not even realize the smallest actions we aren’t doing can make such a huge difference. And your S.O. will appreciate you caring enough to ask. My partner has anxiety, and for a long time, I never knew exactly how to support him about it. I would try to give advice and it wouldn’t help, or I would try to soothe him and it would make it worse. Finally one day I decided to ask him what he needed instead of assuming I knew. I didn’t realize I was only doing what I thought I would need in that situation without recognizing that not everyone needs the same things when it comes to anxiety or anything else.

Expressing Needs in a Relationship Helps Us to #LoveBetter

Relationships are tough work sometimes, but it’s worth the work with the right person. It’s important to be empathetic and respectful toward each other, and remember that you are equals. Not one person’s needs are any more important than the other person in any relationship, so there should be an equal shift back and forth between each other.

However, there may be instances when this shift weighs more heavily to one person, but it should always even out eventually. For example, I recently had a death in my family and lost someone very important to me. In that time of grief and mourning, my partner put aside his needs to take care of mine. He would walk our dog on the days I typically would so I could deal with the funeral home. He would keep the apartment extra clean when he knew I was coming home after a long day. He would let me cry, or give me space. He was everything I needed and more, and never hesitated to put my needs first. But after a little while, it balanced back out. It wouldn’t be fair to put one person’s needs first all the time.

When you’ve found someone that makes you happy and you feel like you bring out the best in one another, it’s an amazing feeling. But it doesn’t have to be perfect all the time and most likely it won’t be.

Learning how to love your partner better means both you and your partner are putting in an equal effort to make your relationship stronger, healthier, and happier. I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty great to me. I think my partner deserves the best version of myself, and I think I deserve the best version of him, too. I also believe that you deserve the same in your relationships. Anything we can do to actively work to create those best versions together is a good thing. It can sorta make you feel unstoppable when the best versions of the two people you love the most in the world (your partner and of course yourself) join together to create this awesome, crazy thing called love.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Cara Mackler

What needs must be fulfilled in order for you to be happy in your relationship? Let us know @joinonelove 

The post Tell Them What You Need, What You Really Really Need appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Despite what we may see as we scroll through social media, we all start to run on empty at times. Still, it’s not realistic to expect your partner to drop everything because you need them, and that’s okay! Sure your partner can rearrange their schedule to be there for you sometimes, but they cannot be your sole source of emotional support all the time. 

Don’t worry, there are plenty of things that can help you find balance when you need to recenter. My favorite one, as a therapist and mental health activist, is the practice of self-care. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “A bubble bath doesn’t always fix it,” – and you’re right! Self-care isn’t the same day-to-day, or person-to-person; it’s not always a nap, and you owe it to yourself to learn what works best for you depending on the situation. Once you figure out your best self-care moves and add them to your routine, you’ll be surprised by how much your relationship improve.

Let’s Break Down Self-Care:

There are a couple of different ways to practice self-care, but I like to keep it simple and think about it in three basic categories: physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Physical Self-Care is…

…the act of taking care of your actual body (and not acting like Taco Bell is a food group). It can be things like:

• eating healthier-ish

• exercise that you ENJOY

• pampering + good hygiene + spa time

Now, I didn’t say anything about going on Whole 30 (but if that’s your vibe, go for it) or scheduling weekly massages you can’t afford. Physical self-care is all about doing the things that make your body feel good and make you feel loved and respected and repeating them in a way that is sustainable.

As someone who travels a lot and is always on the go, this means stuff like having my meals prepped instead of relying on fast food and heading to the sports chiropractor once a week to recover from all the cycle classes I teach.  Even if I can’t feel a difference in that one day of eating well and going to the sports chiropractor, I know what I need to do to maintain long-term physical balance, and I can tell a difference between that and when I’m constantly laying in bed and eating something from the drive-through.

Emotional Self-Care is…

…the act of taking care of your thoughts, emotions and headspace and allowing yourself to actually feel your feelings (and not judging yourself for it). You can practice this by:

• giving yourself permission to feel down, or have an off day

• finding a good therapist in your area, or even online

• take some deep breaths, or download an app like Headspace

This is the one that gets me. As a mental health advocate, I believe it is so crucial to give yourself permission to feel your feelings, because if you stuff them or rush your way through processing, they’re still gonna be in there somewhere, and they’ll come out somehow.

So when you start to feel yourself spinning with anxiety or whatever it is, and start to get lost in questions or insecurities, think about what you need and how you can ask for it. Trust your instincts; you know when calling your mom will help, and when it won’t. That same thing is true for taking a nap – sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn’t. It may not be the same day-to-day, and that’s okay, too.

Spiritual Self-Care is…

…making sure that you stay connected to the things that make you feel rooted and close to your purpose and calling.

• volunteering for a cause you care about

• spending time in nature,

• disconnecting from social media, or just slowing down for some alone time

This is a huge one and is crucial when there is a lot of stuff going on in the world or in your personal life that makes you question your path or purpose. And so when the world around me starts to make my head spin, I like to unplug and go back to the basics. I get off of Instagram; I stop scrolling and get outside. I take a friend out to lunch who may be going through something tough because what helps me most when I feel “off” is to remember that even though negativity exists in the world, I can usually find a way to put some good back into it by being there for a friend. Whatever it is that gives you that breath of fresh air, literally or figuratively, go after it.

Taking Good Care of Yourself

I love to take cycle classes with my friends, and I can be competitive, but I broke my arm recently and can’t always work as hard as I’d like to. If I have a class where I feel insecure or like I don’t measure up, I might be tempted to stay late and keep working out – but that’s not self-care in that situation, that’s me fixing an emotional problem with a physical solution. Instead, good emotional self-care might be me chatting with those friends, who can remind me of how far I’ve come since I got out of my bright red arm cast.

All this to say, you probably know what you need better than anyone when it comes to times of stress, and we’re all guilty of running ourselves into the ground — but you have so many options to help yourself feel balanced again. It’s never your job to try and help others when you’re at a deficit, and it’s not your partner’s either. It’s just your job to take ridiculously good care of yourself.

Create A Self-Care Plan

First, make a list of twenty things that make you happy, fill you back up, or get your feet back on the ground when you’re feeling a little floaty.

Then, sort those things into the categories up above – physical, emotional, and spiritual (and some can be more than one!)

Post your lists somewhere you’ll see them, write them out in your planner, or stick them in your phone. Your list will serve as a daily reminder to do something for yourself every day so that you can actually schedule them into your day! I’ve even color-coded my iCal to have a special section JUST for self-care. It’s that important for my life balance.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Amanda Phillips 

The post Your Partner Can’t Always Be There for You, But Self-Care Can appeared first on One Love Foundation.

I never knew the value of self-love until I suffered the extreme cost of lacking it.

I was six months into my relationship when I knew my boyfriend was “the one.” Our connection was intense from the start, and I’d opened up to him more than with any previous partner. In fact, I shared it all, even the stuff I’d typically take care to hide—my insecurities, my fears, my failures, and doubts. The ugly, scary monsters you keep tucked away underneath your bed or on the sacred pages of your diary.

After I bared all of my secrets to him, my boyfriend did something shocking. With a loving smile, he gave me what I’ve craved my entire life, what no one else, least of all myself, could ever provide: acceptance.

He cradled each of my loathsome insecurities or monsters in his arms, lulled them into a sound sleep, and then turned his attention to me—the real me, pure and unencumbered, shining beneath the mess. He held my hand, kissed me, told me he loved me, and I was convinced this person was my soulmate.

Anyone who struggles with self-criticism knows that life can be a wearisome journey. Most days, the storm of “not good enough” threatens to demolish the home we’ve built on the shifting sands of personal achievement and the opinions of others. Here, there are always ominous skies looming overhead.

This was the first time in my life that it seemed that I had finally come out on the other side. I’d never felt as beautiful, as confident, and as cherished as I did at the beginning of our relationship. His “acceptance” of me shone like a rainbow across a sky that had magically brightened. Basking in its blissful light, I texted him:

My boyfriend’s feigned compassion turned out to be a more powerful high than I could ever have imagined. It kept me in our relationship even when his behavior no longer matched his words, when it subtly shifted from caring to malicious. But the entire time he was deliberately harming me, he continued to smile and hold my hand so I couldn’t see that he was really tearing me down instead of building me up. Until the very end, I was blinded by one thing: his seemingly incredible love for my imperfect self.

Learn More About Sneaky Behaviors That Are Actually Unhealthy

Over several years, I paid the price for needing someone else to inject me with confidence and worth the same way others pay their monthly rent: automatically, a necessary cost of living your life. My lack of self-love didn’t cause my (now ex) boyfriend to do what he did, nor was it some self-deficiency that made me responsible for his actions. It was a vulnerability—a serious one.

When you depend on someone else to satisfy these critical needs, you give away enormous power and control over your basic wellbeing. Even in the healthiest relationship, you’re still leaving your self-image up to your partner to mold. When their selfishness, carelessness, or changing whims inevitably get in the way, your former doubts will return. Indeed, you’ll find they never left; they just wait until something happens to substantiate your low opinion of yourself and resurface just in time to magnify a minor disagreement into a full-blown fight.

If your partner has harmful intentions, the damage can be catastrophic. Your insecurities, perceived failures, and flaws transform into something that harms you. Despite appearing to be understanding, a toxic partner will carefully collect these vulnerabilities and store them as tools to pull out whenever they need to defend their hurtful actions, throw you off the scent of their lies, coerce you into doing something that goes against your values, or further deflate your self-esteem when they feel threatened. The resulting injuries vary from relationship to relationship. In my case, the insidious manipulation, betrayal and psychological terror shattered my sense of self, crossed boundaries, and almost took my sanity and my life.

Learn More About How To Tell if You’re in an Emotional Abusive Relationship

What’s more, I used my own inadequacies as weapons against myself, too. In the fog of this relationship, I listened to my reawakened monsters to rationalize rather than question circumstances that didn’t make sense. These deceitful insecurities convinced me that the opposite of what was actually transpiring was true: that “it was my fault.” My other insecurity “You’re not so great” depleted my self-esteem while her brother “Never good enough” reminded me that regardless of how I was treated, I could always do more to be a better girlfriend—more empathetic, more thoughtful, more optimistic.

In healthy relationships, your insecurities or inner monsters won’t look quite as scary; they’re more like cute, fluffy little monsters that nip at your heels every now and then. But in toxic dynamics they morph into formidable tyrants without warning until one day, they’re holding you hostage in your own home.

What saved me? Me. And more specifically, finding a way to build a better relationship with myself. Above all, healthy self-love is honest, which means learning to embrace imperfections alongside strengths. Accepting my whole self is a lifelong journey that will never be over, and it’s worth the effort because it keeps me exactly where I need to be: grounded in reality where I can clearly see things—and people—as they are.

What I wish I’d realized earlier is that self-love isn’t an unrealistic idea—it’s a non-negotiable. And like any nonnegotiable, you don’t let yourself get away with “It’s a nice idea but not for me”—you find a way to make it happen.

As you pledge to #LoveBetter, don’t forget yourself. Abandon tiresome clichés like “You must love yourself before you can love someone else” that begs the question, What does loving yourself have to do with loving another person? Most of us already do this too well, tending to the needs of our partners, children, even pets without a fleeting concern for ourselves.

Instead, ask yourself how you can start treating yourself better, celebrating your successes without criticizing them in the same breath. Forgiving yourself for being an imperfect human being who makes mistakes. Flaunting the “ugliest” part of you that causes the greatest pain. Ask yourself how you can be your own rainbow.

I’ll let you in on a hard-won secret—you already are.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Emily DeSanctis 

If you feel you are experiencing relationship abuse, or if you just have questions about your relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline via their website, or by calling 1-800-799-7233. Or chat with a peer using LoveisRespect.org’s confidential chat.

The post The Importance of Having a Healthy Relationship With Yourself appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Thanks to #selfcareSunday and other trends that urge people to #treatyoself, people are realizing now more than ever that self-care and being good to yourself is not a luxury but a necessity.

So what is self-care really about? Self-care allows us to respond to stress while addressing our emotional and physical needs. In a world that moves at such a fast pace, tuning into our needs is an important part of leading a balanced life. I learned this the hard way after I ended my first serious relationship.

I started dating him in high school. Instead of growing up, we grew into each other. Over time I became unhealthily dependent on his care and attention instead of focusing on my own needs. While I consider myself outgoing, independent, and friendly, there were insecurities I couldn’t shake and gave to my partner to deal with instead. This reliance did not help us become closer, it only drew us apart. Recently, I wrote a letter to myself about the breakup. I wrote about being alone. I imagined a vacuum inside my chest that was left when I removed my partner’s space in my heart.

The breakup was difficult and it still is in many ways, but I am recognizing what an incredible opportunity I have to relearn how to take better care of myself. This discovery has helped me realize that happiness lives within me, and it cannot be supplied by someone else.

Self-Care is an Ongoing Journey

There is no scientific method for self-care. In fact, not depending on someone else for my happiness has been a long and rocky journey. After the break-up, my self-care took the form of making loving decisions for myself that I knew could bring me sustainable joy. Little things like getting a fresh haircut, trying out new teas, and journaling have helped me recharge and reconnect with myself once again. Over time, I’ve learned that self-care doesn’t have to be intimating or elaborate for that matter. Self-care is about finding creative and uplifting ways to connect with yourself.

Because we all have the power to control our happiness, and we can all learn to take better care of ourselves, I’ve listed a few self-care practices that will leave you recharged:

1. Take a Shower or Bath

Give yourself some much needed TLC (tender, love, and care) at home with a refreshing shower or luxurious bath. Add to the ambiance of your bathroom with soothing scents like lavender and eucalyptus, relaxing music and soft lighting. A fresh pair of clothes does wonders, too. 

2. Enjoy the Simple Things

When it comes to self-care we often forget the basics like staying hydrated and having a balanced diet. Want to spruce up your water? Add fruit or make a delicious tea. A yummy cup of tea can be a satisfying treat when it’s made with the intention to show yourself care. And healthy snacks that require minimal preparation, such as strawberries and cucumbers will help to boost your self-esteem and reduce inflammation of acne prone skin.

3. Call a Friend

When we think of self-care we usually imagine a spa-like scene with fresh fruit, a sauna and plenty of tools to help us pamper ourselves. Rarely do we consider the value of a good conversation with friends. The next time you’re feeling down, call up a friend to help you get excited or pumped for the day.

4. Give Yourself Time

One of the many self-care strategies I’ve learned since my breakup is to give myself space to process my emotions. Know that it’s okay not to be “fine.” And when things are particularly challenging, having a good cry may be the most effective stress reliever. Also, doing something creative like painting, journaling or dancing can help you move past uncomfortable emotions. 

5. Go Outside

Nature has a beautiful way of making the world seem intimate yet expansive. Go to a park, sit and listen to the world around you. Stressed about class or work? Take your assignments with you to a natural setting and get what you need to do done while enjoying the scenery. 

6. Start a Conversations (With Yourself)

Yes, talk to yourself. Look at yourself in a mirror and reflect on what needs to change and what is going great or deserves praise. As you talk things out remember to be honest but kind. Give yourself support and encouragement just like you would a friend.

7. Know That You Are Loved

Realize that there is only one you in the world and just like everyone else you deserve to feel loved and important. Self-care will look different for everyone but any steps you take to connect with your mind, body, and soul will benefit you in the long run. 

Self-Care is the Gift You Give Yourself

Self-care was a foreign concept to me until I started to feel the weight of stress and fatigue as a result of my breakup. Since then I’ve learned that self-care is really a gift you give yourself and it can be as simple as getting up to brush your teeth or as grand as writing yourself a love letter. Once I started looking at myself and realizing that I can be there for me too, I felt empowered and I know you can as well. Little steps taken each day can create a huge difference in your relationship with yourself. 

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Katie Christy 

The post 7 Simple Ways To Be Good to Yourself appeared first on One Love Foundation.