Because these observances coincide in June, it’s important that we both acknowledge the intersections of the Black and LGBTQ+ communities and their unique contributions to our country and the world.

If you clicked on this post wondering “how can I be an ally?” the first step is changing your framing to “how do I practice allyship?” Allyship is not a static label, it’s a continuous practice based on sustained effort and learning. An ally is someone who aligns with and supports a given community or identity group. Since this post is focused specifically on alignment with LGBTQ+ and Black communities, I am writing to non-Black and non-queer folks who want to show up this month and beyond.

If you are not Black or queer and wondering what you can do this month to practice allyship, you can use the 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship as your guide.

Take responsibility for your own learning. There’s no better time to begin or deepen your learning about Pride, Juneteenth, or Black and LGBTQ+ history in general, but remember that it’s not on your Black and/or queer friends to educate you. Our public school system has worked overtime to keep true historical accounts and important Black and LGBTQ+ contributions out of textbooks, curricula, and the greater educational discourse, so don’t assume your Black and/or queer friends are walking encyclopedias on their history if you’re not. Maybe they do know, and maybe they’re willing to share that knowledge with you—that’s great! But it’s not fair to assume or request it. So turn to your favorite medium: podcasts, online research, books, etc. to get learning (and remember to check those sources).

While not everyone can be a history buff, honor that your friends are the experts of their own experiences of their identities, and commit to listening when they choose to share parts of those experiences with you. It is not Black and/or queer people’s responsibility to educate us, but it’s our responsibility to create safer spaces for them to show up and share as their authentic selves.

Engage in healthy conflict with those sharing intolerant messages or misinformation. As someone practicing allyship, this is an opportunity to use the privilege and platform you have to stand with Black and queer communities. You don’t need to be an expert to call somebody out for their harmful language or views, nor do you need to get into a public comment-off with someone in your feed (this may give them a platform to spew more hate in their responses to you). Leave a simple, yet firm comment that you do not agree with what they’ve shared and correct any misinformation (if you’re not sure how, find and link a relevant article), then take it to DMs or private messaging if you wish to engage further.

Respect that everybody observes Juneteenth and Pride differently. Black and queer people are not a monolith; there is no singular narrative or experience of what it means to be Black and/or queer and therefore no “correct” way to observe these holidays. If you’re wondering how your loved ones want you to show up for them this month, ask and respect their decision, whether it includes you or not. Practicing allyship means de-centering yourself. This is not “show your allyship” month, this is a month centered on Black and queer experiences and community. Understand that there are spaces where your presence is not welcome nor necessary.

Show kindness and compassion for the Black and queer folks in your life. Yes, this is a month to take pride and celebrate. It may also bring up complex emotions including grief, anger, and sadness as they reflect the conflicting realities of a country that observes holidays like Juneteenth and Pride but does not protect the rights and lives of the communities it claims to celebrate.

Do what you can to promote equality. A national holiday or awareness month does not mean the work is done. There are still so many inequalities that Black and queer communities must face every day. This month, make an ongoing commitment to move the needle however you can. Donate, fundraise, or volunteer your time with organizations that support Black and LGBTQ+ communities. Buy from Black and queer-owned business throughout the year. Consume media created by Black and queer artists. Commit to ongoing learning and encourage other non-Black and non-queer people in your life to join you.

Though this post is anchored in June, allyship is a lifelong practice. Find sustainable ways to show up, support, and celebrate the Black and queer people in your life throughout all the days and months of the year.

_

Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out. Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post How to Practice Allyship Using the 10 Signs appeared first on One Love Foundation.

I was in love before Orientation Week even wrapped.

I thought him wanting to be with only me was love (now I know it’s Isolation). I assumed him wanting to know who I was with, where I was going and what I was doing every second of every day was love (now I recognize it’s Possessiveness). I figured his over-the-top reactions to situations most people wouldn’t bat an eye at were because it was normal for people to act extreme when they are so in love (now I get that it’s Volatility), and on and on.

None of my friends or family had the knowledge or skills to see what I was going through, nor did I have the courage to tell them – this was what TV and all the magazines had told me was love, right? I felt shame that I had let it get to this point – my family and friends were all these incredibly smart, strong women and I felt I would be a letdown to them all if they were to find out. Besides, I believed that even if I had told them what was going on, they didn’t have the tools to help me.

That relationship had life-long implications – I found myself pregnant at just 18. I was so anxious at how my partner would react to every little thing that I couldn’t sleep, then I couldn’t focus in class, then I couldn’t get out of bed to attend class. In a matter of months, my grades plummeted and I flunked out of my freshman year. Eventually, things escalated to where the University Police had intervened, and I was finally able to feel free from living my life according to my ex’s demands; but, unfortunately, the life I had hoped for myself didn’t feel possible anymore.

Regardless of whether the unhealthy behaviors are physical, emotional, verbal or all of the above, we know those who have been on the receiving end of unhealthy behaviors can feel shame about what happened to them and around not being able to stop it from happening in the first place.  Being in an unhealthy relationship can slowly chip away your self-worth and self-confidence. It can make you feel incredibly alone – it did for me.  Throughout my situation, I was too ashamed to reach out to anyone in my circle about it.  I felt that there was no way my friends would have let this happen to them; that there was no way my family members, fellow students, or teammates would become a victim of unhealthy or abusive behavior. But, we know it can happen to absolutely anyone – nearly 1 in 5 college students in the U.S. report being physically or sexually hurt by a dating partner while in school.

RELATED ARTICLE: Lethal Behaviors to Look Out for in an Abusive Relationship

That’s why I decided to outsource some of this article. I want you to know you’re not alone in having skewed expectations of relationships thanks to pop culture and antiquated ideals, and that those skewed expectations can make it incredibly easy to experience an unhealthy or abusive relationship. The responses below come from a variety of individuals – male,  female , non-binary, straight, members of the LGBTQ+ community, people with vastly different careers, nationalities, upbringings and ages. What they have in common is that they were not taught anything regarding relationship health education before they entered their late teens and early 20’s.

Hopefully, from reading all of this, you can learn from our misconceptions, recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship, and surround yourself with positive, uplifting relationships.

“What do you know about relationships now that you wish you had known when you were younger?”:

• “A relationship should be a positive ADDITION to your life, not consume you to the point where you don’t have your own identity anymore.” See: Intensity

• “You’re going to grow out of some relationships and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that anyone gave up or didn’t try hard enough.” See: Independence

• “It’s not sunshine and rainbows all the time. Relationships have seasons – some are harder than others, but everything can be overcome with honest, open communication and mutual respect of the other person.” See: Respect and Honesty

• “You are not responsible for ‘fixing’ another person, ESPECIALLY when they make you feel like you are.” See: Guilting and Manipulation

• “If they refuse to ever spend time with your friends or family, get outta there!” See: Isolation

• “If someone tells you that you’ll never find someone else to love you, I promise you will and it’s not the person saying that.” See: Belittling

• “I wish I had known that it was supposed to be more carefree at that age! I was so serious and constantly looking for ‘The One’ that I really missed out on meeting a lot of new people, traveling and new experiences. I was the one doing the unhealthy things!” See: Fun

• “You are never, and I cannot emphasize this enough, ever responsible for someone else’s reaction or response to a situation.” See: Deflecting Responsibility

RELATED ARTICLE: How to Spot the Signs of Abusive Texts

***

If you read any of these statements and recognize these behaviors in your own relationship, reach out to a friend or a trusted adult to talk through what you’re feeling and what a safe next step would be to ensure these unhealthy behaviors do not escalate to abuse.

At 19, I felt that my unhealthy relationship defined me. If you had told me that experience would be just a blip on the radar of my life, I would not have been able to believe you.  My anxiety from that experience ruled my life, but I promise there is hope after experiencing abuse. You are not your relationship and you are not weak. The strength it takes to pick yourself up from that experience is what defines you, and I guarantee you have more people than you can imagine who are rooting for you, as I realized when I was finally able to share my story, one person at a time.

–

Chelsea Leonard is One Love’s Director of Development for the California Region.  Her “why One Love” – Relationship education is the information everyone needs but few have – it’s a no-brainer for me to be involved in expanding these resources to as many people as possible. 

Chelsea’s favorite Healthy Sign is “Healthy Conflict.”

The post Hope After Abuse: What I Wish I Knew About Relationships In College appeared first on One Love Foundation.

“Was there alcohol involved?” 

“Why haven’t you left yet?” 

 *

These questions are commonly referred to as victim blaming – when a friend, colleague, or acquaintance says things to imply that you might have done something to deserve the abuse. These perspectives and mindsets are harmful on a personal level – they can be extremely disorienting and isolating for survivors, complicate the healing process, and lessen the likelihood for the survivor to seek support – as well as on a societal level. We see the effects of victim blaming mentality in the failure of our criminal justice system to treat violence and abuse as crimes deserving of serious consequences, subsequently absolving perpetrators of accountability. 

Below are some actionable ways to stop victim blaming, whether that means adjusting our own mindsets, holding abusers accountable for their behavior, or supporting survivors by publicly challenging victim blaming perspectives. 

Believe & Acknowledge  

Sharing stories of abuse is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Realize that when someone is choosing to disclose this information to you, it is an act of trust. Treat their stories with respect and believe them. It is okay if you do not know how to advise them in the moment. A listening ear and validation of their experience is crucial. 

Remind the Survivor it is Not Their Fault 

When recounting these experiences, it is normal for some survivors to blame themselves because of our society’s victim-blaming norms. Continue to listen, but be sure to reassure them that it is not their fault. 

Avoid Accusatory Questions 

Instead of asking questions about the details that surrounded the abuse, offer compassion and understanding without proving your interpretation of the event. For example, imagine that your friend is telling you about an instance where their partner sabotaged them by breaking their cellphone during an argument. Instead of asking them to recall the events leading up to the abuse, tell them that you are sorry they had to experience this, and reassure them that they do not deserve to be treated this way regardless of what the argument was about. 

Use Teachable Moments 

If you are with a group of people who are attempting to place responsibility onto the survivor, use this opportunity to teach them about the importance of holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions. These people very well might not be aware that the way they are responding is a form of victim blaming. If you are unsure where to start, here is a list of Relationship Abuse FAQ’s, Myths, and Facts. 

Understand that the Perpetrator is Fully Responsible 

Just as the perpetrator is the only person who can choose to be abusive, they are also the only person who could have stopped it. If you find yourself considering other avenues that the survivor could have taken to prevent the abuse, remind yourself that the only thing that would have changed the outcome is the perpetrator’s decision to commit it. 

 *

It is imperative to challenge the tradition of victim blaming in order to cultivate a safer and more just society. While we may not be able to reinvent the wheel overnight, we can inch towards collective healing in our daily lives by responding to these stories in a way that is supportive and empowers survivors to continue speaking out loud about their experiences. 

–

Bridget Boylan is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s New York Tri-State Region.

The post How To Put An End to Victim Blaming appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Hollywood likes to portray the role of friends after a breakup as the people who show up, maybe for a night with some ice cream or chocolate. This has made for some memorable movie moments and plots (Think: Tiffany Haddish’s character spiking drinks in Girls Trip or how Jason Siegel’s character takes a vacation in Hawaii in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.) But in reality, the role of a friend after a breakup looks much different.

Seven Ways to Support a Friend During a Breakup:

Be there to listen.  Give them space to talk/vent. Be there without making comparisons or assumptions of what they should do or what they need. Try being an active listener who shares space just by being there and letting them talk.

Ask them what they need. Ask them what they need because everyone and every situation is different. Be careful not to make commitments you can’t keep but asking what they need is a way to show you care and are there to help.

Help make a safety plan if needed. If the relationship was abusive, it is paramount to make a safety plan. You can read more about safety planning here. 

Remind them of their strengths. Breakups can really do a number on someone’s sense of self. Help them rebuild or maintain self-esteem, confidence, and self-efficacy that may have been lost in a breakup by reminding them of all the strengths they have.

Join them for new activities or new hobbies. Exploring new activities and hobbies is a great way to really experience how much opportunity is out there as well as a great way to build self-esteem.

Don’t push. Don’t push silver linings, don’t push them into dating or hooking up, don’t push them to recover. Breakups are a grieving process that need to happen on their own course.

Help them consider professional help if necessary. A breakup can be a serious life event that can trigger severe emotional distress. Professional help can be an invaluable support system for preventing, coping, and/or healing from any long-lasting effects.

Say This, Not That

Here are some examples of things you can say:

• “I’m here for you.”
• “Know that you’re loved and not alone.”
• “Wanna hang out tonight or what are your plans this weekend?”
• “Whatever you need, I want you to know you can tell me.”
• “If you feel like texting your ex, you can text me instead.”
• “I believe in the person you’ve been, the person you are, and the person you’re becoming.”
• “Your feelings are valid.”
• “I’m proud of you.”

Here are some examples of things not to say:

• “I never liked them anyways.” Their ex may still be a significant and meaningful person to them and it may only hurt to learn that you didn’t like them.
• “I really liked them.” This could add value to someone who is already seen as an invaluable loss.
• “You were out of their league.” You might be trying to promote their self-esteem, but this could reinforce the pain of the rejection.
• “You should be happy they’re gone.” This doesn’t give permission to grieve and feel sad for what has been lost.
• “You’ll find someone better.” Healing should not depend on finding someone else. Additionally, they’ll need time before they are ready to find someone else.
• “It could be worse.” It could always be worse, but this diminishes the validity of their experience and feelings.
• “You’ve got to stop dating the same type of person.” This places the blame for their pain they’re experiencing.
• “The sooner you move on, the better off you’ll be.” Time in between relationships is important for reflection and personal growth. Let your friend take that time.
• “Get on Hinge.” It’s important to not push, rush, or force any part of their process. It is okay if they’re not ready to date again. Trying to date might complicate their feelings.
• “We should get drinks.” Many people turn to alcohol after a breakup to numb or avoid feeling. And this will only delay and complicate healing by leaving emotions unresolved. Additionally, breakups can cause short and long-term mental health issues and alcohol heightens the risk of long-term depression.

Breakups can be a challenging and difficult process. And supporting and loving your friends during this time is essential. Showing up for our friends can create a deep connection. However, it’s important to support our friends in ways that give them space to process their emotions while promoting their healing and personal growth.

Written by Writer’s Corps member Robin Lang

If you or someone you know is experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship, check out our real-time resources, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you’re in imminent danger, please call 911.

The post How to Support a Friend Going Through a Breakup appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Talk to your friend about it

Always think of your own safety first, as it might be dangerous to confront someone who has been physically abusive. If you see, hear, or find out about a friend being emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive toward someone else, and you feel comfortable intervening, say something or do something. Start with gentle questions like, “How have things being going between you and [partner] lately?” The goal is to get your friend to admit that they are feeling stress and that they could use some help dealing with that “stress.” An abusive person is extremely unlikely to respond positively to being told that they are an abuser. Going along with your friend and pretending it is stress might get that person to accept help faster than trying to get them to admit they are perpetrating relationship violence. An expert may be able to do so, but you risk endangering the victim if you press too hard on an abusive person to make them admit they are a perpetrator of relationship abuse. Talk to other friends about what you’ve seen and heard, and work together to come up with solutions.

Know where to refer them

If your friend will admit to being “stressed,” offer to go with them to a behavioral health or a mental health counselor. Normalize mental health treatment by telling your friend about a time you needed help, or someone else in your family needed mental health counseling. Plan in advance where you could go together for help. You can find out by asking the campus violence prevention office or the campus behavioral health center, or by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The best thing you can do as a friend or loved one is to encourage them to get help from a professional.

Emphasize how important it is that your friend not use violence

Tell your friend that no matter how bad things get, including if their partner has cheated on them, insulted them, or done other unfair things — there is never a reason to hit or hurt them. You can let your friend know that excessive drinking does not excuse use of violence and that having a difficult childhood is no reason to hurt someone else.

It’s important to know that many abusive people do not realize that they are being abusive

An abuser may believe that they are being sweet, caring and loving when trying to “protect” their partner, or think that to “show how much someone means to you,” you must act jealous. Alternatively, they could know that their behavior is inappropriate and/or criminal and feel like they just can’t control themselves or don’t care about what happens. If you think a friend is being abusive in their relationship, it is vital that someone speaks with them about their behaviors. While it is important for you to try and approach them about this, they may not want to listen. If possible, have them receive counseling for their behaviors. If they are not being receptive, it can be helpful to speak with other people in their life that they admire (a coach, teacher, parent, etc.). Explain to those people what you are seeing, and ask them to speak with your friend about how they need to change their behaviors, and why they should change their behaviors. Some of the signs of an abusive personality include: not accepting responsibility for their actions, difficulty tolerating injury, if someone hurts them they think it’s okay to hurt them back, and inability to communicate about emotions.

Abusive behavior can stem from a number of different risk factors

Past trauma, codependency, a sense of abandonment, familial rejection or neglect, inability to communicate about emotions, lack of validation from outside parties, and objectification of women are all risk factors for abusive behavior.

Get help

If you’re worried about a friend who might be displaying abusive behaviors toward their partner or spouse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to get advice.

If you have been the abusive party in an unhealthy relationship you should know that you are not alone and you can lean on your family and friends for support. Please know that while everyone has the power to change, you have to sincerely want to change and be willing to do the work to support this. That could look like attending a certified intervention program that focuses on behavior and accountability or participating in programs that specialize in abusive relationships. As you work toward becoming a healthier person you will have to respect your current or ex-partners boundaries and choice to distance themselves from you completely or seek legal protection in the form of a restraining order. Coming to terms with the way you have hurt someone won’t be easy and there may be times when you are tempted to minimize the impact of your behavior. Remind yourself during those times of why you are committed to change in the first place and know that consistency will seriously increase your chances of succeeding in that change.

The post How To Help A Friend Who May Be Abusing Their Partner appeared first on One Love Foundation.

If you see a friend that is struggling or in pain, your first instinct is likely to help them in any way you can. Especially, if you think (or you know) that person is in an unhealthy relationship. On average, it takes about 7 attempts before a person fully leaves an abusive relationship, and it is never as easy as “just leaving.” However, unhealthy relationships often affect more than just the people involved. So, what happens when you start to feel emotionally exhausted?

Compassion fatigue is a type of stress that involves “physical and emotional depletion” as a result of “caring for someone in significant emotional or physical distress.” People experiencing compassion fatigue usually display a lack of empathy or indifference toward the person they’re caring for. Sound familiar? Other symptoms include headaches, digestive problems, feeling overwhelmed and irritability.

It’s normal to feel emotionally overburdened when you take on a “helping role.” And in most cases, a simple way to alleviate this is by taking a step back and making sure you’re taking care of yourself first. Trying to help a friend through a tough situation not only impacts you because you care about your friend and want to help lessen their struggle, but also because not knowing how to help to take away their pain can feel overwhelming. That said, if you continue to feel anxious, exhausted and unusually detached from the people around you, then you may be experiencing compassion fatigue.

5 Signs You Are Experiencing Compassion Fatigue (And How To Move Past It):

1. APATHY: You Literally Can’t Anymore

It can be hard to hear a friend talk about a problem and (from your perspective) feel powerless to help them. If you find yourself feeling apathetic toward a person you know is in an unhealthy relationship, then this may be the first sign of fatigue. Stepping away from the situation (at least for a little) and asking for help from a trusted friend or counselor may be the best thing for you at this time. Remember, your friend is likely picking up on your frustration, which serves no one and may compound any feelings of isolation they are experiencing.

2. ANGER: You’re Angry at the Person Experiencing Abuse

This one can be extra tough because chances are you don’t want to be angry at the person experiencing abuse – REMEMBER it is NOT their fault – but if you’re feeling any sort of animosity toward your friend, this can cause a lot of internal conflicts. Sometimes, it’s easier to get angry at your friend instead of the root of the problem; their partner who is doing unhealthy or abusive things to them. Just keep in mind that they are going through a lot with the relationship. It’s ok to set personal boundaries. And if your anger persists, there’s no need to suffer in silence. Speak with a counselor to help you work through your feelings.

3. ISOLATION: You’re Avoiding People

If you find that you are not just avoiding the person in an unhealthy relationship, but also everyone in your life, then you may be experiencing compassion fatigue. And we don’t mean wanting to relax and watch Netflix alone on a Saturday night. What makes compassion fatigue different is the feeling of being overwhelmed to the point where you have a hard time connecting with others or lack the desire to do anything beyond binge watching Gilmore Girls.

4. NEGATIVITY: You’ve Become a Pessimist

It’s hard to try to help a person and feel like nothing you do is making the situation better. Compassion fatigue can amplify this feeling, making it difficult to be optimistic about anything. If you’re a person who is normally optimistic about life, yet find yourself having a negative comeback for everything– pay attention. A significant negative change in your normal behavior can be a sign of compassion fatigue.

5. FATIGUE: You’re Tired All. The. Time.

Personally, I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t tired. But when you’re experiencing compassion fatigue, the exhaustion is overwhelming. It’s why you isolate yourself, it’s why you’ve stopped working out, and it’s why you literally can’t anymore.

So, if you think you’re experiencing compassion fatigue, what can you do?

Be Honest With Yourself And Others

Often times compassion fatigue is a result of either forgetting to check-in with yourself or knowing how you’re feeling, but not being open or honest about it. Sometimes it just feels easier to put other people’s needs before your own. However, we can’t actually be there for others if we aren’t there for ourselves first. Many people that experience compassion fatigue also feel shame towards themselves for not being able to support their friend the way they would like too. When you begin to feel overwhelmed and overburdened by helplessness, the best thing to do is to reach out for support. Dealing with compassion fatigue is hard and something you don’t have to go through alone. Your campus health center or school counselors are great resources. So are trusted friends, family members, and mentors.

For tips on how to compassionately help a friend through an unhealthy relationship, check out “How To Help A Friend Who May Be In An Abusive Relationship.”

If you or a friend is dealing with relationship abuse, check out our real-time resources page to find help from trusted professionals. And, if you or a friend are experiencing compassion fatigue talk or text a mental health professional in your area using Text-a-Tip.

The post 5 Signs You’re Experiencing Compassion Fatigue appeared first on One Love Foundation.

One of the most difficult tasks in a relationship can be helping your partner or significant other heal from a previous abusive relationship. What does it look like to comfort them, to walk through the healing process with them, to love them through it? No pressure, either, but as a S/O, you have quite possibly the most significant role in reshaping your partner’s view of love, acceptance and relationships. (Again, no pressure).

It’s important to note that healing is not linear. There is no perfect method to helping your partner heal from relationship abuse. Every individual’s experience is different and each relationship is special. There’s no “right way” to heal, and it will look different for everyone.

However, there are some tangible “do’s and don’ts” that are pretty infallible when it comes to helping your S/O through the aftermath trauma of relationship abuse.

A few are outlined below to help you, but keep in mind: it’s about the relationship, not about “fixing.” Our aim is to help you love your partner well, not to “fix them” (and quite frankly, that should be your aim, too).

1. Validate your partner’s feelings

In some cases, it’s likely that your S/O already feels crazy about what he or she is saying, so the last thing they need is their partner to reinforce that feeling. Remember to validate how they feel and not merely just respond with logic. Their feelings may not be rational, but they’re real and they need to be reminded that how they feel is valid.

2. Don’t allow your partner to dismiss their experiences

Rather, give weight to what they’ve gone through. Before they met you, they may have been shushed about their experiences or not have dealt with their feelings at all. Internally, they may believe the lie that it wasn’t “that bad” or they’re overreacting. But as their partner, it’s vital that you don’t allow them to dismiss their experiences as insignificant. Give weight to what they’ve been through, let it settle on their shoulders and allow them to mourn it; this is an important part of the healing process.

3. Listen, listen, listen

Whether it’s 2 am before work in the morning, or over dinner – try to be a listening ear. This will allow them to know that you’re a safe place and they’re not “too much” for you. More often than not, your partner may just need you to hear them out. Great damage can come from internalizing everything and not sharing what’s on our heart. You may have to hear the same thing a thousand times over, but all those times are contributing to the healing of your partner.

4. Be patient

The after-effects of trauma can come in swells and some seasons will be harder than others. Sometimes, it might seem like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. But from the beginning, make the decision to be patient with your partner. Patience is a tangible depiction of our long-term commitment and is one of the most loving things you can do for your S/O. With this, keep in mind that there is no end goal; you just want healing for them and the timeline of healing looks different for everyone. Be patient and gracious.

5. Rejoice in the baby steps

It’s easy to get discouraged during the healing process because it can feel slow. But keep an eye out for the baby steps and when they come, make a big deal of them. Did your partner seem more comfortable with you today? Rejoice. Did they have a personal revelation? Rejoice. Did they let you approach them physically without tensing up? Rejoice. In the moment, these may not seem significant, but they are crucial to the healing process. Notice them and refer to them often as a means of encouraging your partner and keeping them from getting discouraged.

Hopefully these steps have given you insight on how to care for a S/O who’s experienced relationship abuse. Remember that each relationship is different, so use discretion when it comes to applying these steps to your own relationship. Sometimes what your partner needs most is just a listening ear. Most importantly, have faith in yourself; it’s not an easy task. There may be some burdens that come with this, so it’s important to know your own limits as well. It’s okay to direct your S/O to a counselor or mentor if the care starts to be too much. But you’re doing important work, friend, so please don’t give up.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

The post Helping Your Partner Heal from Relationship Abuse appeared first on One Love Foundation.

True or False: Folks with disabilities don’t desire or can’t be in meaningful relationships.

False. Major false.

We all desire and deserve to have meaningful relationships where we feel loved and appreciated. This need is felt by people with disabilities too. Some people may be surprised by this because they assume people with disabilities do not date, marry, or desire intimate relationships. But, this isn’t true. In fact, there is no difference between people with disabilities need and desire for healthy and happy relationships and those of non-disabled people. Similarly, relationship abuse affects both people with disabilities and non-disabled people; however, people with disabilities are at a much greater risk of experiencing relationship abuse.

In an effort to make conversations about healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors accessible to everyone, One Love partnered with the Arc of Jacksonville, an organization that advocates for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities and their families, to bring the Escalation Workshop to their community. The film based workshop helps to educate people about the warning signs of relationship abuse by guiding them through a discussion based on the film. By starting a conversation about healthy and unhealthy relationships, partnerships such as this create new opportunities for people with disabilities to share their experience and more importantly, find help.

“Love shouldn’t hurt, and it shouldn’t make you anxious. Love should make you feel butterflies and happy! That’s the kind of love I want.” – said a resident at the Arc of Jacksonville.

Unhealthy Relationships and the Disabled Community

Compared to the non-disabled community, people with disabilities are three times more likely to experience violence and sexual abuse. Why would this be? For starters, there are a lot of negative assumptions toward people with disabilities. They often feel devalued, isolated from their community, and as if they are expected to comply with caregivers. Because they are more likely to be perceived as powerless and physically helpless (depending on their condition), people with disabilities usually have fewer opportunities to learn their sexual likes and dislikes, or to set emotional boundaries with an intimate partner. Research from the Baylor College of Medicine found that when instances of violent sexual encounters occur, people with disabilities are more likely to perceive it as “their only choice.”

While many unhealthy relationship behaviors are the same across the board, for a person with a disability it can be complicated by the fact that their disability may be used against them. In her article Domestic Violence and Disabled Women, Frances Ryan noted for people with disabilities “there’s a disturbing ease with which power and control can be exerted. The abuser not only has a physical advantage, but is often the person being relied upon for care,” When the line blurs between partner and caregiver it makes identifying unhealthy relationship dynamics even more difficult.

For people with disabilities, unhealthy relationship behaviors may appear in “non-traditional” ways such as:

• Financial Abuse: when a partner or caregiver steals or withholds money or borrows possessions without permission.
• Emotional Abuse: when a partner gaslights someone by invalidating their disability.
• Sexual Abuse: when a partner initiates sexual activity while their partner is not capable of providing consent.
• Misuse of Physical Property: when a partner withholds, damages, or breaks assistive devices (i.e. throwing a hearing aid across the room or restricting access to a wheelchair).
• Medication Abuse: when a partner does not allow someone to seek medical treatment. This could also be withholding medication or over-medicating someone.
• Neglect: when a partner uses someone’s disability as an excuse for obstructing physical hygiene or comforts of living (i.e. access to a telephone).  

Alleviating Barriers to Support

For people with disabilities, the barriers for leaving an unhealthy relationship are equally hard. Without the support of a greater community or knowledge of resources and tools to find help, people with disabilities are far less likely to leave an unhealthy relationship if that means leaving a home that accommodates their needs. In order to begin to alleviate some of these barriers, it is so important that as a community, and as individuals, we each look inward at our own assumptions and attitudes toward the toward people with disabilities. To provide the needed and appropriate support services, it’s important to recognize how prevalent unhealthy relationship dynamics are within the disabled community.

We can all help break the cycle of silence by validating the voices of people with disabilities and work to educate everyone about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Some great ways to get the conversation started in your own community is by hosting an Escalation Workshop, or using the #ThatsNotLove videos at your local community organizations that serve people with disabilities. If you are inspired to learn more about supporting people with disabilities, please check out The Arc (www.thearc.org) and End Abuse of People With Disabilities (www.endabusepwd.org).  

If you are a person with a disability and are in an unhealthy relationship, it is not your fault and help is available 24/7. If you feel you are experiencing relationship abuse, or if you just have questions about your relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline via their website, or by calling 1-800-799-7233.  If you are deaf or hard of hearing, you can access the Hotline via video-chat by calling 1-800-787- 3224.  You can learn more about the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s services for the Deaf, Hard of Hearing, and Deafblind here. And, if you’ve experienced sexual assault at the hands of a partner or caregiver, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673). Help is within reach. We all deserve to be loved and to enjoy happy and healthy relationships because love shouldn’t hurt.

The post How Unhealthy Relationships Impact the Disabled Community appeared first on One Love Foundation.

A letter to myself on the first morning after walking away from my abusive relationship.

[This is a letter written to the woman I was 9 months ago. These are the things she needed to hear, and that I can now put a voice to after months of therapy and healing space. This is everything I wish someone had said to me on the morning after I left my abusive relationship.]

Dear Amanda,

First of all, take a deep breath. There are a lot of things that you need to do right now, and the first one is to just breathe. Second of all, take your time. Get out of bed slowly, if and when you are able. When you do, take a look at the woman in the mirror. She has a whole world to rebuild. If that sounds daunting, try to reallocate that weight to be hopeful for the new and beautiful things that I can see from where we are now. It’s going to take some time for you to get here, and that time will not always be easy, and that’s okay. Healing is like that. Third – and you may not be ready to believe this yet, but we’ve got to break the ice on this – none of this was your fault.

You thought you could fix him; save him. You thought that if you stayed, he would finally love you in the right way, instead of the way that kept you isolated, and up at night, and hiding things. You offered that man every square inch of warmth in your heart. The fact that it didn’t heal him says nothing of any insufficiency on your part, and everything of how cold and despondent he really must have been, despite your best efforts to see the situation in any other light.

Here’s what you need to know. Not to spoil the ending, but your life has absolutely expanded in his absence. But his departure doesn’t get the credit for that; your life would have expanded regardless. You know who you are, what your purpose on this planet is, what you deserve, where you’re headed, what you are worth. You have always known, and those things were never contingent on his staying or leaving, but it sure is easier to hear all of that without his voice in your ear constantly telling you that you are too much, to slow down on your dreams, or:

“That didn’t happen.

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

And if it was, it’s not a big deal.

And if it is, it wasn’t my fault.

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it.”

That voice is gone now. I know you don’t really know what to do without it, but hear this – there are better, kinder, more truthful voices coming to take its place. You don’t have to listen that one, The Wrong One, anymore – and I’m sorry that you ever felt like you had to in the first place. The good news is that you found the strength to walk away from it; that was a hard thing, even though most people talk about it like it should have been a really easy decision. They mean that with love; only some people really know the extent of the hold he had on you, the power of abuse, and even fewer people know the whole story, which is that he stripped you of your identity and made it sound like he was doing you a favor, made you feel like you had to stay, and even worse — that you had to keep how terrible things really were all to yourself — and you spent months too paralyzed to look for a way out.

But you did find it — the courage to leave, rather than exist in a world where you took whatever you could get and accepted that you were merely tolerable instead of exquisite and radiant and unstoppable, which are all things you only realized that you are after he left and you had to wake up in a quiet house and look in the mirror again.

His house was cold; his heart even moreso. There were no mirrors on the walls there, though. You couldn’t see the strong woman in the mirror. You’ll wonder later if this was intentional.

But it’s your first morning. It’s your first morning turning over a new leaf. And it’s really hard here. The girl you’re looking at in the mirror – I know that she’s terrified. Be there. Be terrified for a minute – or angry, scared, sad. Feel those things, and stay with them until you figure out what they have to teach you. It would be really easy to just call and let him back in for the 400th time, and start the whole cycle over, which he will invite you to do, peppered with the same old things he doesn’t mean like, “I’m sorry” and, “it was the bourbon” and, “but you’re the love of my life.”

You may have been, but he wasn’t yours, and that is all released to the wind now.
There is actual love out there.
You have so much of it within you; nurture that for a while. Breathe. Take your time.

None of this was your fault, but oh, you will grow from it.
The girl in the mirror will smile again, soon enough.
She will find joy, and pour herself into things that will flourish.
The anger and fear and confusion will pop their heads in from time to time.
They’re still around, but they will be the white noise behind laughter,
singing in the car, life stories in coffee shops,
or under the stars.

Life will be abundant again. Write that on the mirror, in case she forgets.
— in case she forgets that love is coming.

Love,

Yourself. Always.
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Written by Writer’s Corps member Amanda Phillips

The post A Letter to Myself After Walking Away From My Abusive Relationship appeared first on One Love Foundation.