Written by Writer’s Corps member Natasha Barraqué

To create the healthy relationships we crave, a deep understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship is needed. The first relationship that we will need to adjust is the one that we have with ourselves. 

One vital part of creating healthy relationships that is often overlooked is authenticity. To show up as authentic versions of ourselves in the world is to love ourselves enough to be vulnerable and confident in who we are. Finding our authenticity can be a complex path. We are influenced from the moment we are born — by societal rules and themes, our internal and external environments, and maybe most deeply: our cultures. All these factors work together to shape us over time, and it becomes an important part of growth to pause and reflect on the identity that’s been created as you reach young adulthood. 

What is a cultural tape?

A cultural tape in essence is the beliefs your culture upholds. The perspective you are given on life. The rules, regulations, and ideas that have been instilled in you by your culture. They play silently in the background and aid in guiding your opinions, thoughts, choices, and behaviors. Cultural tapes teach us what is normal and acceptable, what should be resisted, and what guidelines need to be followed in order to be an accepted member of the culture. It is a force that runs deep and throughout generations of families. 

A Closer Look at our Cultural Tapes

Many of us have never taken a deeper look at our cultural tapes or questioned what is acceptable. Many of us haven’t associated with others of different cultures and don’t understand how to navigate cultural differences. Culture is a beautiful, grounding principle that helps us feel connected to ourselves and our communities. The problem with cultural tapes lies in blind acceptance. To show up authentically in our relationships, we must first learn what authenticity means for us. 

When we take a look at our cultural tapes, we have the ability to choose what creates our identity. And with the new ability to choose what works for you, and what you do believe in, you can begin to shed ideas and principles that are working against your authenticity, leaving space for you to fill your life with other principles that do resound with you. We begin to consciously choose our beliefs, values, boundaries, and deal breakers. 

Where to Begin

Begin by assessing the health of your relationships with yourself and others. Do you accept or contribute any of the 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship in your relationships? Then begin by asking yourself some deeper questions like: where does this behavior come from and what need is it meeting? Counseling, support groups, or vetted books and other learning materials can always be very helpful here, as it will help you navigate through some of the more difficult questions and allow you to feel supported. 

Your culture may be your tie to your unhealthy behaviors. As a first-generation Latina, I had to work through the fact that I equated intensity and drama with love. In understanding what unhealthy behaviors I exhibited and accepted from others, I was able to deconstruct the idea slowly and understand how to better meet my needs in a healthier way. 

Once you begin to understand your behaviors and possible sources of the behaviors, and once you understand what needs these behaviors are meeting, you can move on to implementing healthier behaviors in their place, that will better meet your needs and allow you to live in your authenticity. Familiarizing yourself with the 10 signs of a healthy relationship  is a great way to create a path to new behavioral goals. 

What to Keep in Mind 

Confronting your cultural tapes is an intimate and brave journey. There may be times you feel disconnected from yourself as you begin shedding old unhealthy behaviors for new healthy ones. There may be times you feel misunderstood or disconnected from your culture as well. Creating healthy behaviors is not an easy shift, but it is possible. It will be important for you to remind yourself of your goals — why do you want to create healthier behaviors? What will this help you with? 

Learning patience and compassion for yourself will be a key needed to get through the messy bits. Surrounding yourself with uplifting groups of people will be a way to continue towards your goals and feel supported. 

Everyone deserves a healthy relationship. Taking a closer look at where you come from and deciding what works for you and how you want to move forward is the empowering step that will allow you to create a healthy relationship with yourself and with others.

The post Is Your Cultural Tape Influencing Your Unhealthy Behaviors? appeared first on One Love Foundation.

 One Love spoke with the incredible Jeff Mathwig (@jeffreyjumanji ) about the signs of an unhealthy relationship and why he’s excited to inspire other men to speak up about relationship abuse. 

1. Although 1 in 4 men will be in an abusive relationship most men don’t believe they can be abused in a relationship. Can you tell us why you think this belief is so prevalent among male-identifying people?

In my opinion, women are much more likely to speak out against relationship abuse because they are more likely to be believed and supported while many men worry about the negative reactions they might receive from sharing with others. The result is most men will downplay their experiences, or never share that they were in an abusive relationship at all. The men that do share their stories may choose their words carefully. Instead of saying he was in an abusive relationship, he might say that the person he dated was crazy or had a terrible personality. If men never share their stories, then other men will never know they can be in an abusive relationship. Relationship abuse against men is effectively an invisible problem – something most men will never know about until they are impacted directly by it.

2. Another common misconception is that if someone is not physically abusive then the relationship cannot be categorized as abuse. In fact, you experienced an abusive relationship that wasn’t physical. Can you talk us through some of the unhealthy behaviors that occurred in your relationship?

I experienced an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. That included frequent put-downs about the way I looked, the car I drove, the phone I had, the job I worked, the friends I spent time with, the hobbies I enjoyed, and my hopes for the future. I was broken up with frequently (at least 50 times over the course of 6 years), but would sometimes get calls or texts from her telling me to come back after I had left her apartment. She once invited me to come to visit her family in the Cayman Islands, I’d bought the plane ticket, she broke up with me, and I still went to visit her family as though we’d never broken up. These sorts of experiences made breaking up a painful, yet meaningless experience.

I experienced gaslighting which is a form of psychological manipulation where an abuser twists someone’s worldview. For example, a couple of my friends have autism. She twisted this by calling every autistic person we’d ever interacted with names, including one individual I hadn’t seen in years, and alluded to me being autistic before breaking up with me for, in her words, “hanging out with all these weird people all the time.” Then insisted we get back together shortly after.

On several occasions, I was given the silent treatment for hours. There were plenty of times where I’d pick her up to go out to eat and she would be giving me the silent treatment the minute she got in the car. One year on Valentine’s Day she gave me the silent treatment the entire time we were eating dinner. When I took her home, she became upset with me and said, “would it have killed you to buy me some flowers?!”

RELATED: How to Deal with the Silent Treatment

The erasure of our relationship was common. Her social media accounts at one point had several photos of us together. Those photos were deleted as time went on, and when I asked her why she never posts pictures of us online anymore she said, “I don’t want people knowing my business.” When she graduated from her undergraduate university, she told me she didn’t want me going to the graduation ceremony because she just wanted loved ones there. About a year and a half later she organized a party with her graduate school classmates. I went and one of her classmates whom she’d known since starting her program mentioned that she’d never known my ex was in a relationship. This was about 5.5 years into our relationship.

Things became worse towards the end when she was moving to Seattle for a fellowship. She went back and forth between asking me to move in with her and breaking up with me. She would call me to let me know that her mom and brother had been asking about me and missed me. One night I was speaking with her and let her know that I still loved her. Her response was that she’d been intimate with another man. For nearly 30 minutes I was given the silent treatment while my heart felt like it was about to explode. She eventually blocked my number, then began calling me late at night. I’d miss the call while sleeping and wasn’t able to call her back because she’d blocked my number. If I managed to answer the phone when she called, I’d ask why she was calling. Her response was often, “I don’t know” or just “oh, just checking in on you.” When I told her I was crushed because I had wanted to make a future with her she responded by saying, “I wanted that too.” Confusing comments like these were common.

RELATED: How to Spot the Signs of Abusive Texts & Get Help

These are just a few of the unhealthy behaviors I experienced. In many ways, mental and emotional abuse is like being attacked by a swarm of bees. One bee sting is not enough to cause intense pain. Hundreds of bee stings, though, are enough to crush anyone. When explaining what happened in my relationship, I often have to give as many examples as possible for people to understand how bad it really was. A single story of abuse is like a single bee sting. Many people still say, “it couldn’t be that bad.” Dozens of stories need to be told before people, especially men, realize they were in fact in an abusive relationship.

Despite these awful stories, there were also incredible moments of happiness and normalcy. Those moments seemed extra special when following an abusive incident. A big reason people stay in these sorts of relationships is because they are not being abused 100% of the time. Abused people think if they wait long enough the abusive person will change and become the perfect person they met in the beginning. The reality is the opposite. Abusive people only get worse as time goes on.

3. Before you realized you were in an abusive relationship, where did you turn for answers?

It took me months to come to terms with what had happened to me. One reason it took me so long was my own prior ideas of what an abusive relationship could look like. I felt silly googling “signs of an abusive relationship,” but when I did I connected with a lot of what I was seeing. I watched YouTube videos, read blog posts, and spoke to people in Reddit groups. There’s so much information online to help people understand what relationship abuse really looks like, but unfortunately, most people won’t look it up until they’ve been in an abusive relationship themselves.

RELATED: How to Know When It’s Time to Breakup

4. Over the course of your relationship, you learned a number of terms to describe the manipulation you experienced. Can you tell us specifically about love bombing (a form of intensity) and future faking (emotional manipulation)? What do they mean and how did they manifest in your relationship?

Love bombing is a period of intense affection outside what we would typically consider reasonable. Love bombing usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship and after an abusive incident. One example in my relationship was the constant request for favors. It could be something as simple as helping to rearrange furniture. I’d go over to her apartment to help her and she would become so grateful and affectionate. It was the same feeling I’d had in the beginning. She might ask if I want to watch TV and begin hugging me on the couch. We might get back together after that and she would say, “I’m sorry, I think I made a mistake” before getting back together. It felt like things would be different because the affection was so intense and her desire to be with me seemed so strong. This was only temporary. Abuse is a cycle and a honeymoon period where things are great is common.

Future faking is when an abusive individual uses promises to convince someone to do what they want. In my case, she would talk about marriage or kids during periods where we were not technically boyfriend and girlfriend to get me to believe what was going on was only temporary. She once got annoyed with me for not taking the garbage out and said, “what are you going to do when we live together.” These sorts of conversations might take place in normal relationships too, but in abusive relationships, these topics are used to create a false idea in the abused individual’s head that things are going to get better and the future is going to be fantastic. An alternative example of future faking in the workplace might be a boss promising an employee a promotion in the future if they do more work. The individual will take on more work, but the promotion never comes. Lies about the future can change people’s behaviors in the present.

RELATED: What “I’m Sorry” Means When it’s Used to Manipulate You

5. Men are often taught to keep their feelings to themselves and to never show their vulnerability. How do you think this impacts the way men show up in relationships?

A lot of men believe that being strong means putting up with things that bother them and keeping their feelings to themselves. In some ways, this might have contributed to why I stayed for so long. I was willing to overlook these negative things that were happening because being strong meant “getting over it.” Being strong meant not letting someone’s words hurt me. Then when men get out of these unhealthy relationships, they may never resolve what happened to them and carry that trauma into their next relationship. They might suffer from the symptoms of something known as complex post-traumatic stress disorder. These symptoms include difficulty controlling their emotions and cutting themselves off from friends and family. It takes strength to address issues head-on and I think more men need to realize that.

6. Does it make it harder for men to know when they are in an unhealthy relationship? Or when to reach out to help?

Without a doubt, it impacts the ability of men to seek help when they need it. It’s embarrassing to say you were in an abusive relationship. It’s embarrassing to say that you have trouble focusing on work because of the way someone treated you. Men who speak out, like me, are often met with skepticism for saying that they were hurt by someone in a non-physical way. Most men would rather suffer in silence than experience the embarrassment of speaking out. It can also be difficult to teach people about a feeling they’ve never experienced. If enough men did speak out, I think we’d eventually reach a point where abused men are supported more.

RELATED: How To Help A Friend Who May Be Abusing Their Partner

7. How can male-identifying individuals know when their relationship is becoming unhealthy?

RELATED: Do you want to hear more from Jeff? Check out his IG live with One Love here.

It is extremely difficult to grasp how unhealthy a relationship is while you are in it. If you think your relationship might be unhealthy it might be time to talk to some close friends about what’s going on. Others can look at your relationship without anything to lose and can be more honest with you than you’d be with yourself. Talking to friends and family about an unhealthy relationship may be the key to understanding how bad things really are. My mother was constantly telling me that the relationship I was in was not healthy. Instead of listening to her, I stopped telling her about the unhealthy things my ex had been doing and instead would defend her against my mother’s pleas to find someone new. In the end, I realized my mom’s comments were correct.

8. Male-identifying people are often left out of conversations about relationship abuse. Why is it important to you personally to demystify this subject for other guys and to help them talk openly about unhealthy relationships?

A lot of people lack the tools needed to help someone in an abusive relationship. Many of my friends couldn’t fully grasp what had happened. I’ve spoken to other men who were in abusive relationships who heard harmful comments like, “maybe it was something you did?” Some people may say, “you should have put your foot down more,” implying that the abused individual just let the abuse happen. The reality is that abused individuals do push back, but the cycle of abuse tricks people into believing that things might get better. If we include men in more conversations about relationship abuse I think it will enable us to better help those who have been in abusive relationships, regardless of what gender they identify as. Talking about issues is one of the best ways to solve problems. If more men spoke about their experiences they would be able to combat ignorant ideas about relationship abuse by directly speaking to people who may not understand what it is like.

RELATED: 11 Common Patterns of Verbal Abuse

9. February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and Valentine’s day! There’s so much pressure to be in a relationship around this time, especially online. Have you felt the pressure to play up a picture-perfect version of your relationship in the past?

I’ve never been a big fan of social media so I wouldn’t say I’ve personally felt that pressure online because I wasn’t frequently looking at posts. I did feel that pressure in-person. If I were visiting friends, they would say things like, “everything good with that girl you’re dating?” I would always respond by saying that things were perfect. I never wanted to say anything negative about my relationship, and I think for a lot of people that also includes what they post online. Some people were shocked when I told them about some of the things that had happened after 6 years of acting like everything was fine. Just because things seem perfect online, or in person, doesn’t mean they are perfect behind closed doors.

10. How do you think this pressure to be the perfect couple online affects relationships IRL?

I have seen some super overly romantic Instagram pages where the guy is buying all these flowers and the couple is taking expensive vacations together. It sets an unrealistic expectation that relationships are always going to be these extravagant adventures filled with nonstop romance and activities. It’s okay to be in a relationship where you just watch Netflix on Saturday nights and eat Korean takeout food. Most of life is boring, and if you see something exciting online there’s a good chance it’s being played up for likes and views.

11. People rarely talk about teen dating violence but 1.5 million high school students experience relationship abuse every year. What advice about relationships do you wish you had heard when you were a teen?

My parents pressured me to date in high school way more than they should have. High school is the perfect time to focus on yourself, your grades, your future, and just having fun with friends. I was single throughout high school despite the pressure I experienced to be in a relationship. As I got older, I felt that there was something wrong with being single, but I’ve been working on that this past year. My new year’s resolution for 2020 was to remain single for the entire year. The pandemic made that easy for me! I know a lot of people who are actively trying to get into a relationship, but it can be refreshing to tell yourself that you’re going to remain single by choice for an extended period of time to focus on enjoying life. My advice to people in high school is that it is okay to be single by choice and focus on yourself. Don’t worry about pressure from friends and family to be in a relationship. Being single by choice and prioritizing yourself can be a lot of fun. You will no doubt find the perfect partner in the future.

RELATED: 6 Ways to Promote Healthy Relationships During Teen Dating Violence Month

12. How can we do better to educate young people about this issue?

It would be nice to see Hollywood do a better job of portraying abusive relationships as more than just a straight woman being physically hurt by a straight man. If movies and TV shows are willing to show physical violence, then they should be able to show other forms of relationship abuse as well. That includes emotional abuse, mental abuse, and relationship abuse between LGBT+ couples. I don’t know the best way to put pressure on Hollywood, but I would encourage people who work in the entertainment industry to put pressure on those around them to portray these sorts of relationships. People can learn a lot from shows intended for entertainment. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air had a lot of episodes that tackled important social issues. Zootopia was a children’s movie but still addressed racial discrimination. We could have more films and shows that address the issue of relationship abuse.

13. What’s your advice to other guys who have been through this?

First, share your stories with as many people as possible. Don’t try to ignore the pain you’re feeling. I thought I could move to Philadelphia, make new friends, and pretend like that horrible experience never happened. The reality is that you need to talk about it. It may not be the most comfortable thing to do, but for your well-being, you need to talk about it with others.

Second, do not contact your abusive ex. Change your phone number if you have to. It’s super easy for people to naturally forget the “bad times” as time goes on. That’s our brain’s natural way of healing ourselves. We slowly forget traumatic things as time goes on. It may be tempting to contact your abusive ex after a few months, but that will never be something that benefits you.

RELATED: Don’t respond to that text from your toxic ex during the COVID-19 pandemic

14. Is there anything else you would like to share?

People in abusive relationships are not pushovers. They are not weak or easy to take advantage of. They are regular people who don’t know what an abusive relationship looks like. Then they get into an abusive relationship and before they know it, they’re suffering from the harmful side effects of gaslighting, silent treatments, frequent put-downs, and a loss of identity. They’re suffering in a way they never thought was possible because no one ever told them what an abusive relationship could look like, and no one ever got the point across to them that abusive relationships are in fact really, REALLY bad.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is right after you break up. Get help from One Love’s trusted partners on the  real-time resources page before leaving an emotionally abusive partner.

The post Inspiring the Next Generation: Meet Jeff Mathwig appeared first on One Love Foundation.

“I’m completely convinced that while love is an instinct, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time,” Katie Hood, CEO of One Love, said as she addressed the audience from the TED Global 2019 conference stage in Vancouver this past April.

And she’s right. While we’re never taught HOW to love, love and relationships remain the number #1 concern of both teens and adults alike. Think about it. When have you ever heard someone say they don’t want to be loved.

RELATED: How One Love got to #LoveBetter

There’s a reason that love is at the heart (no pun intended) of some of our favorite songs, yet, we’re never explicitly taught how to do it well. Katie and One Love are on a mission to change that. During her address at TED, she explained One Love’s three central goals: to empower everyone with the language to talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships, a topic that’s “usually uncomfortable to talk about,” inspire communities to help spread our message, and in the process “improve all of our ability to love better.”

Still, in a world where relationships are often treated as a soft topic, spotting the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship can be difficult. In her first-ever TED talk, Katie explains the subtle signs that a relationship is veering into unhealthy territory and the little ways we can all improve our ability to love better. Here are eight important points to consider from Katie’s speech:

1. It’s Not How A Relationships Starts, It’s About How a Relationship Evolves

“Abusive relationships don’t start out abusive – they frequently start out exciting and even exhilarating,” Katie says.

When it comes to unhealthy relationships, we’re conditioned to spot the blatant signs of unhealthy love–like a partner that shouts obscenities at you when they’re upset or a partner that becomes physical–and we expect these signs will be relatively easy to spot. But unhealthy love rarely starts off that way.

While navigating the start of a new relationship, it’s important to pay attention to how your relationship evolves. Are you comfortable with the pace of your intimacy? Do you feel like you’re able to have your own life? Are your boundaries respected? Remaining aware of these red flags can help you avoid unhealthy love.

2. Isolation is Frequently Missed As a Sign That A Relationship is Unhealthy

Katie says, “isolation creeps in as your new boyfriend or girlfriend begins to pull you away from friends and family – your support system – and tethers you more tightly to them.”

Isolation is one of the most misunderstood and frequently missed signs of an unhealthy relationship. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your S.O. Katie says an unhealthy partner will say things like “ Why do you hang out with them?  They are such losers, “about your best friends or “They want us to break up. They’re totally against us,” about your family. They plant seeds of doubt that create a barrier between yourself and the people you love. If you’re beginning to feel trapped or like your partner is seeding an “us vs. them” mentality, this is a red flag.

3. In Unhealthy Relationships Jealousy Becomes Extreme

Jealousy is a normal part of any relationship but in an unhealthy one “there is a threatening, desperate, and angry edge to it,” Katie says. With extreme jealousy, an unhealthy partner will attempt to control their S.O.’s behavior through force and manipulation. Suddenly, or gradually your partner may make unfair demands and frequent accusations of flirting with other people either in real life or online. Katie says soon the situation becomes so hostile “the only way to avoid it is to try to anticipate and keep away from every conversation or interaction that might provoke your partner and cause a fight.”

4. In Unhealthy Relationships, Words Are Used As Weapons

“They’re just having a bad day.”

“It was a joke, no big deal.”

“Why am I overrating?”

Have you found yourself making excuses for your partner’s mistreatment? Maybe they shut you down in front of friends and insist you’re overemotional when you speak up.

Katie says this is typical of unhealthy relationships where “words are used as weapons.” No one deserves to be belittled by a friend or romantic partner. “It sounds obvious, but a partner should have your back. They should make you feel more confident, not less.” And more importantly, “words should be used to support, not to put down, the person you love.”

5. The More Unhealthy Markers A Relationship Has The More Likely It Is To Cross Over To Abuse

It can be difficult to know when an unhealthy relationship takes a turn toward abuse, but it’s critical to know “the more of these unhealthy markers, you see, the more dangerous the situation.”

While your response may be to just break up or leave an unhealthy partner, in many cases it may be dangerous, even life-threatening to do so. Katie says breakups are the most common trigger for violence. “It’s key to seek expert help to figure out how to safely exit a relationship that has become abusive,” she explains.

6. Understanding Unhealthy Behaviors Improves All of Your Relationships

Understanding unhealthy behaviors can help you better “audit” and understand all of the relationships in your life. Katie says, “For the first time you might understand why you feel disappointed in a friendship. Or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you anxious and discouraged.” Understanding how your behaviors impact the people around you is the first step to improving and learning to do relationships better.

7. Healthy Love Includes …

Jumping into a relationship without learning to love is like getting a license without knowing how to drive. You might evade accidents with others for a while but you’re bound to hit your bumper against a mailbox or two. Katie says one of the reasons relationships become unhealthy is because we’re never explicitly taught how to love. Unlike learning to drive, we enter relationships with the expectation that we’ll figure things out eventually. But here’s the good news: building healthy relationships is not rocket science. Katie says the core elements, “open communication, mutual respect, trust, and patience,” are simple and can be practiced every day.

8. Practice Makes You Better, Not Perfect

Katie is convinced that while relationships are treated as a soft topic, they are in fact, “the hardest and most important skills to master in life.” And though practicing healthy behaviors won’t make you perfect, it will make you better. “While I think and talk about healthy relationships every day – I still do unhealthy things myself,” Katie says. What’s important is that you know what the bar should be for how you’re treated and that you have a language to use when the bar’s not being met.

At the core, One Love believes we can all work toward healthier relationships and improving our capacity to #lovebetter. By learning what healthy relationships look like and practicing these skills in our lives, we can strengthen our relationships and teach others to do the same. 

Relationships truly are the most important skill of all, they impact every part of our lives and when we improve this skill, we improve our health, happiness and so much more. Use the 8 tips above to help you avoid unhealthy love and to build healthier, stronger relationships with the people in your life.

Are you interested in learning more about healthy and unhealthy relationships? Check out Katie’s full speech here. You can follow Katie on Twitter at @katiehhood.

The post 8 Things I Learned from Katie Hood’s TED Talk appeared first on One Love Foundation.

When you start seeing someone new, the last thing on your mind is whether or not the relationship is moving at a healthy pace. Welcome to the honeymoon phase, where everything is new and exciting! And the chances of saying yes to things you’re not necessarily ready for runs high. If you’re anything like me, the honeymoon phase goes something like this:

The Life Cycle of the Honeymoon Phase

• Week 1: Fantasy – You’re sitting on the couch halfway into a rom-com, and before you know it, you’re swept up in a daydream starring you and your new bae.
• Week 2: Intensity – Two dates in, you might have the colors for your dream wedding picked out on a Pinterest board.
• Week 3: Over the Top Behavior – Three weeks later, you’re spending every waking minute together and your friends are already rolling their eyes.

It’s hard to not get swept up in the honeymoon phase of dating when the person you’re with seems great — but when is it too much? As someone who has been in unhealthy relationships that moved too quickly in the beginning, sometimes I still need help telling the difference between being a hopeless romantic, and when I’m going against my “you do you” policy.

I recently spoke to Rose Richardson, a marriage and family therapist, to shed more light on the subject and it turns out there is no “one-size-fits-all” for relationships. While meeting someone’s parents after 4 months of dating is out of the question for some couples, it could be totally fine for others. It’s up to you and your partner to determine what pace works best for you.

Still, there are obvious reasons to worry about a relationship becoming intense. In which case, Rose recommends asking yourself these five questions to determine if your relationship is moving at a healthy pace.

1. Are You Constantly on the Phone?

One sure sign of an unhealthy relationship is that the pace jumps from 0 to 60.  Your first few weeks together are fun, but before you know it, your new boo wants a constant play-by-play of your life. They constantly check in on you via text and your relationship seems to move at warp speed. You might be tempted to brush off your partner’s persistent phone calls, text messages and comments on social media as puppy love but sadly this is not always the case. There’s a difference between calling your partner to talk about your day because you’re excited and want to, and feeling like you have to. When checking-in starts to feel like an obligation or a way to keep your new partner from getting angry, it’s likely because your relationship is moving at an unhealthy pace.

RELATED: AskOneLove: My Boyfriend is Taking Over My Life!

2. Are You Making Choices for Yourself, or For Your Partner?

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We hear all the time that relationships require compromise — and they do. You want to make a good first impression with your new flame, but you shouldn’t have to bend over backward to make yourself compatible with someone.

A good gauge for the pace of your relationship is how often you compromise to make the relationship work. Why? Because this usually indicates that your expectations are not aligned and you could end up making decisions you’re not 100% comfortable with.

Rose says the easiest way to tell whether the compromises you’re making are happening too soon is to ask yourself whether or not you will be comfortable with those decisions in 4-6 months — whether you’re with your partner or not. Aside from being unhealthy, intense relationships tend to fizzle out rather quickly so thinking deeply about whether or not you really need to share your phone password or meet your bae’s parents will save you a lot of heartache in the future.

RELATED: Tell Them What You Need, What You Really Really Need

3. Do You Feel Comfortable Making Decisions Independently?

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A sure sign that a relationship is moving too quickly is if you have trouble making decisions without your partner early on. It’s not uncommon for people to lose themselves in their relationship, and over time couples find themselves dressing, speaking and even acting in a similar manner. Of course, there are decisions couples should make together (like how soon is too soon to sleep together), but if you’re feeling the pressure to check in before scheduling a night out with friends, this is a sign your relationship is too intense. Rose recommends checking-in with your gut before and after including your partner in any decision making. “ If you’re feeling uncomfortable with something,” she says “LISTEN to that.”

RELATED: 5 Small Ways to Avoid Losing Yourself in Your Relationship

4. Are You Hiding Things From Friends and Loved Ones?

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Do you hold back details about your relationship when you would normally spill everything in a group text to your closest friends? Unhealthy relationships usually involve a lot of secret keeping. How do I know? Because I’ve been there. When I was in an unhealthy relationship, I covered for my partner because I knew my friends would say, “whoa, that’s not like you!”

Rose says, “if something in your gut is telling you to hold back details, something may be wrong.” At the time, I couldn’t tell my partner and I were moving too fast, but I did sense my friends would likely disapprove of the big decisions I was making early on in my relationship. The lesson I learned? Being honest with yourself and your tribe is the best way to check yourself when you get swept up by a new beau.

5. Honestly — What’s The Rush?

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 When it comes to getting serious about a new relationship, Rose asks her clients, especially college students, “what’s the rush?” And I have to wonder the same. It takes 3+ weeks before you begin to see your tinder prince/princesses unique quirks and personality traits, Rose explains, so take it slow. What are you hoping to get by speeding your relationship up versus spending additional time getting to know each other? Does a Facebook official engagement actually resonant with your gut or are you trying to keep up with the Joneses?

The year I graduated from college, I went to ten weddings–they were all mutual friends of mine that dated since freshmen year of college. I guess when you know your partner is the one, you just do. On the other hand, I know people in healthy marriages who popped the question after dating for only six months. I guess when you know your partner is the one, you just do. And it doesn’t matter if it takes 6 months or 6 years, what does matter is that you’re both on the same page when you do.

RELATED: 5 Easy Ways To Communicate Better in Your Relationship

Healthy relationships are all about balance, so if you feel like things are happening too fast, they probably are! There are lots of ways to talk to your partner about slowing things down, but start by asking yours these questions, and above all — trust your gut!

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Amanda Phillips 

The post Is Your Relationship Moving At A Healthy Pace, According to Experts appeared first on One Love Foundation.

We’re kicking things off this month with the timely topic of consent. Consent is critical to a healthy relationship, yet not everybody understands the rules of the game. So, let’s talk about five big myths about consent, and debunk them one by one.

But first, what even is consent? In short, it’s clear and explicit permission. For any relationship to be healthy and strong, consent must be at the core of every action and decision. When both parties have consent, it means they have each other’s full permission for what is in question. There is a fundamental respect for one another’s boundaries. Okay, let’s look at these myths.

Myth #1: Boundaries aren’t essential

“My partner loves me so much that they want to be with me all the time.”

Starting a new relationship can feel downright amazing! The urge to want to spend all of your time together can be hard to overcome! But, an essential quality of a healthy relationship is feeling in control of yourself. Of your choices. Of your space. You have boundaries and you can change them when you need to. You should still have ample room to do the things that interest you. To get your work done, to excel in school, to exercise. Your partner shouldn’t just tolerate those things, but celebrate them. Your goals shouldn’t be second best to spending time with them. Your partner should be your cheerleader. They should be proud of you, brag about you, and have your back.

Check in with your gut: Do you feel accepted and respected as an individual and a whole person? Are your outside interests valued? Or is your only value as their partner?

Myth #2: Consent is only about sex

“My S.O. is so clingy and hangs all over me at school. It’s not comfortable for me, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

A lot of people think consent relates only to sex, but it goes well beyond. Quite simply, it’s the line you draw between what you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t…inside or outside of the bedroom. This can range from public affection to how fast they drive with you in the car to whether they show up unannounced at your front door. If your relationship is consensual, you don’t feel pressure to do anything you aren’t comfortable doing. They touch you in ways that you invite. Listen and adjust if you ask them to stop something you dislike. They show up when invited, and also give space when needed. And accept when you change your mind.

Check in with your gut: Are you comfortable with the amount and intensity of the relationship? Do you feel pressure to do things you’re not comfortable with, whether sexual or otherwise?

Myth #3: Silence means yes

“I didn’t explicitly tell him ‘no,’ but I wasn’t comfortable.”

Sometimes silence is mistaken for consent. But it is NOT. Consent should be an explicit and verbal indication that someone is comfortable with, and enthusiastic about, what’s happening – whether it’s making out or sex. Only “yes” means “yes” – and in states like California, that’s the law. Good communication and strong positive agreement is a sign that what’s happening is comfortable. Your partner checks in with you. They make sure you’re comfortable with how you’re being touched. They don’t take your silence for granted. They proceed at a comfortable pace, giving you an ‘out’ if you need to stop what you’re doing.

Check in with your gut: Are you a full participant in the decision-making process about what you’re doing? Can you articulate what you want, and what you don’t? Are you being heard?

Myth #4: No take-backs

“I already said I wanted this, so I guess I just have to go through with it.”

One of the most empowering things about consent is that it is not permanent. This puts you firmly in the driver’s seat of your own experience and in control of your body. A sign of a healthy relationship is that you can change your mind at any moment, and for any reason. And a sign of a healthy, caring partner, is they will listen. Respect your wishes. Not pressure you. What better way to ensure a totally comfortable and mutually enjoyable experience?

By the way, this goes for intimacy that’s happening in real time as well as for intimacy over time, whether you gave consent five seconds ago or last week. If it’s not right now, it’s not right.

Check in with your gut: How do you feel in the moment when you’re being intimate? Do you have the freedom to stop what you’re doing without consequences or blame?

Myth #5: All’s fair when you’re drunk

“I was drinking a lot, which they took as an open invitation.”

If consent needs to be explicit and isn’t permanent, then it’s impossible to give when you’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In a caring relationship, your partner knows they don’t have permission to be sexual. So they don’t take advantage. Instead, they back off and wait until you’re sober and have your wits about you.

Check in with your gut: If you were under the influence, would you still feel 100 percent safe and protected with your partner?

What’s next?

With those five myths firmly debunked, now’s the time to start a conversation. Even though #LetsTalkMonth is about conversations between teens and tweens and the adults they trust, we urge you to make this an ongoing conversation with your partner, starting today.

The post Five Big Myths About Consent appeared first on One Love Foundation.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Emily Desanctis 

If you’re a college student, the beginning of a new school year isn’t just a time to catch up with friends, party, and go to football games—it’s also a reminder of the risks of sexual assault. More than 50% of college sexual assaults occur between August and Thanksgiving break.[i]

But we’re not here to tell you not to go to that frat party; to dampen your new-school-year spirit with sobering statistics on sexual assault, or to give you the same speech on protecting your drink and not walking home alone. Not only do those strategies put the onus of preventing sexual assault on the victim, but they’ve also been proven largely ineffective.

RELATED: 5 Signs My College Relationship Was Abusive That I Didn’t Recognize

Instead, we want to share some ways that everyone on campus—from freshmen to seniors, students to staff—can create an environment that actively discourages sexual assault through healthy communication and respect of people’s personal boundaries. Because even if you don’t think these issues apply to you, sexual assault is your problem, too.

1. Watch Out for Boundary Violations—Especially “Small” Ones

Sexual assault doesn’t begin with rape; rape is what it escalates to. Aggressors almost always start with smaller boundary violations to test what they can get away with and with whom.

This means we have to pay attention to when a person crosses someone else’s boundary—no matter how small—and make it clear at that time those actions will not be tolerated.

To be aware, we have to know what we’re looking for. What might these “minor” boundary violations look like? It could be a touch that makes the recipient uncomfortable—a hug, an arm around the waist, a rub on the back. Maybe it’s a comment, a compliment that borders on sexual harassment or insisting on buying you another drink when you’ve already said no. It might even be digital, such as someone sending you an unwelcome sexual photo.

While some of these actions such as a hug aren’t inherently “bad,” they cross into unhealthy territory when they’re unwanted and make the other person feel uneasy. And although it might seem innocent enough, perpetrators are very aware of when they’re crossing a boundary and they thrive off of the power and control it gives them over others.

RELATED: 4 Things You Should Know About Reproductive Coercion

If you’re on the receiving end of inappropriate behavior, you’ll probably feel something off in your gut, even if exactly what’s wrong doesn’t consciously register. If you’re an observer, watch out for nonverbal cues like uneasy smiles and body language that suggest a person’s boundary has been violated and they want to leave a situation. The offensive behavior might seem harmless enough to just laugh off or explain away as “weird” or “awkward” afterward, but this is the time to call it out as unacceptable.

2. Act in The Moment—Especially If You’re a Bystander

When you’re the person involved in an unhealthy situation, it’s not always easy to see it for what it is. After all, this is what aggressors count on: that they’ll be able to manipulate a victim into an increasingly precarious situation without them realizing the danger until it’s too late.

So, in addition to defending your boundaries at all times from those who violate them, to create communities where sexual assault doesn’t thrive we also have to get comfortable with stepping in to help others in vulnerable situations.

This will look different depending on the situation and how you’re comfortable taking action: whether directly intervening, creating a distraction, or finding someone who has more authority to act in the situation.

1. Be Direct: Speak up in a situation to directly address the aggressor, calling out the issue and acting to defuse it.
2. Distract: If you’re addressing the issue head-on seems scary, you can always create a distraction to remove the uncomfortable party from the situation and prevent it from escalating.
3. Enlist Others: There are sometimes situations best handled by those with more authority or expertise, whether that’s an RA, an advisor or coach, or even the police. Looping in people better equipped to defuse an unsafe situation is just as important as stepping in yourself. 

3. Stay Engaged

Acting in the moment is crucial to preventing potentially harmful situations, but creating safer communities doesn’t end there. In some ways, that’s when your responsibility begins–both as a friend and as a member of your greater school community.

Afterward, follow up with the person(s) involved to make sure they’re okay. If they feel unsafe or if they’ve been harmed, refer them to a resource that can help, whether it’s your on-campus counseling or health center or an outside clinic or hotline with staff trained on these issues. You’re not expected to be the expert here—all you have to do is help them connect with someone who is.

Depending on the offense you’ve witnessed, you might also consider making a formal report. While this is something best decided on a case-by-case basis, you can always reach out to resources, for example, an advisor or your Title IX Coordinator, to understand the issue better and decide if and how to proceed. You don’t have to have it all figured out when you reach out–helping you figure it out is exactly why they’re there.

You might still be thinking: but I’m not in college or I already know how to keep myself safe. This is all great, but it doesn’t really apply to me.

The thing is, sexual assault happens in every community to every kind of person, and the actions of every single person influence whether it continues unchecked or is taken out. It’s everyone’s issue—including yours. Only when we stop putting the burden of prevention on the most vulnerable and instead make an active stand against such violence, will we see real change.

And remember: even though sexual assault spikes at the beginning of the school year and each semester, it can—and does—happen anytime, anywhere, to anyone. So practice these strategies throughout the year, whether it’s August or April.

You’re not alone: if you or someone you know is struggling with sexual assault, free and confidential help is available 24/7 through RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) at 800-656-4673 and online at hotline.rainn.org.

[i]Source: Campus Sexual Assault Study, 2007; Matthew Kimble, Andrada Neacsiu, et. Al, Risk of Unwanted Sex for College Women: Evidence for a Red Zone, Journal of American College Health (2008).

The post Preventing College Sexual Assault is Everyone’s Responsibility. Here’s What You Can Do. appeared first on One Love Foundation.

 Written by our resident advice columnist

Hi there.

Yes, you with the burning relationship questions you’re too worried to ask your friends about. We saw you low-key checking google for relationship advice like, “Am I a terrible friend because I get jealous?” and “Is snooping on my S.O. okay…sometimes?” We’ll admit it, Google is great for most things, like research papers and cat videos but, relationship advice? Not so much. And as your soon-to-be new best friend, we’re unofficially asking you to leave the relationship questions to us. Here’s why…

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Over the last four years, One Love has helped millions of people understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Now, we’ve created a new column, #AskOneLove, to answer your questions about dating, friendship and so much more!

While we can’t offer you a magic formula for the perfect relationship, friendship or chemistry professor, we can promise you this:

• You won’t be judged!
• You’ll be met with honesty & respect.
• And lots of humor (because laughter reminds us to breathe).

So, why should you take advice from me? I thought you’d never ask. I’m a social worker by trade and healthy relationships crusader by night. Don’t believe me, ask my friends. After being in the domestic abuse/prevention space for more than 10+ years, I’m a pro at dropping my professionally learned truth bombs about healthy relationships of all kinds– romantic, friendship, familial. Other fun facts about me, I spend more time than is probably necessary watching Netflix, taking Buzzfeed quizzes, and pretending I don’t have strong opinions about Disney Channel movies. In other words, I’m just like you but wiser (I think).

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It’s time to finally break down the mystery of healthy relationships. Do you have a question? Ask One Love here.

Check back every Tuesday to see if your question was selected.

The post Ask One Love: Our New Advice Column appeared first on One Love Foundation.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Amanda Phillips 

If I walked around downtown in any city and polled 100 people on the street about the most essential ingredients of a healthy relationship, I’m willing to bet that the word “trust” would come up.

But what happens when trust is broken? That can happen in all sorts of minor ways, but can a relationship thrive again after something as trust-altering as infidelity?

I sat down with a friend of mine, Rose Richardson, to find out. Rose is a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Charlotte, North Carolina who has helped countless couples deal with the aftermath of an affair and – that infidelity isn’t always what we think.

Why Cheating Happens

According to Rose, the most overwhelming cause of infidelity isn’t lack of attraction – it’s lack of emotional connection. “I’ll have clients walk in whose partners have cheated on them, asking initial questions like, ‘Did that happen because I’m too ugly?’ – and while changing attraction can be a factor, most of the time the cause isn’t physical or even circumstantial – it’s deeper than that.”

This is where Rose enters in as a therapist and explains that work to heal within a relationship that has been touched by infidelity can be massive, but it is not impossible.

For the partner who had the affair, there is work to do regarding lack of connection or communication – “most of the time, they’ve had some need that hasn’t been met by their partner, and when we dig deeper, that’s usually because they haven’t felt secure enough or known how to express that need. For the other partner, it’s a matter of attachment and security. 

Four Things Experts Wish Everyone Knew About Infidelity:

1. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be instant. A lot of people want a magic and instant fix, but rebuilding trust takes a lot of work. This can be frustrating for the partner who cheated, but forgiveness that is authentic is much more important than forgiveness that is quick, which can cause even more problems down the road.  
2. Rebuilding trust is about the intentions of both partners – are both parties open to working through what happened, or is one going to hold a grudge? For true and authentic healing, this process has to be a two-way street. This takes different amounts of patience and grace from person to person and couple to couple, and that’s perfectly fine.
3. The damage is not always easy to fix, and results aren’t always perfect – we all have things we struggle to let go of, and some things violate individual moral codes. It takes time to figure that out sometimes, and rather than deciding that working past infidelity is impossible, joining with a therapist can give just the right amount of guidance to make sure both partners feel heard and are motivated to deal with what happened.
4. Communication skills seem simple, but they’re not –active listening is crucial. Active listening is a form of communication where one partner listens, considers and responds to what the other actually says, rather than coming in with responses at the ready. It’s up to one partner to express “I feel X when you Y, because…” and the other partner’s job is to listen and not jump to a conclusion or into defensiveness. It requires a lot of grace, and there’s no shame in needing help or an objective person to help you learn how to be better at it.

After talking with Rose, I do stand firmly in the camp that it’s possible to heal and trust after infidelity. Difficult? Absolutely. Worth the work? Even more so, if both parties are open. It can seem too hard at the start of the process, as most things do, which is where support from a therapist is crucial.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Everyone has a right to heal at their own pace” quote=”Everyone has a right to heal at their own pace”]

Everyone has a right to heal at their own pace – and after infidelity, this may ultimately involve a breakup if a healthy relationship cannot be maintained in the aftermath. However, overcoming it is also an option; even though it involves a lot of work, a lot of willingness from both parties to do the work, and a lot of patience with the bumps in the road that will inevitably be part of the process, it is absolutely a possibility.

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