Leaving an abusive relationship is hard for many reasons. Here are 11 of the many reasons that someone in an unhealthy or toxic situation might stay with their partner.

1. Society normalizes unhealthy behavior so people may not understand that their relationship is abusive.

When you think that unhealthy or abusive behaviors are normal, it’s hard to identify your relationship as abusive and therefore there’s no reason to seek help.

2. Emotional abuse destroys your self-esteem, making it feel impossible to start fresh.

Oftentimes, people in emotionally abusive relationships may not understand that they are being abused because there’s no violence involved. Also, many will dismiss or downplay emotional abuse because they don’t think it’s as bad as physical abuse. It’s hard for those in abusive relationships to leave their partners after they’ve continuously been made to feel worthless and like there’s no better option for themselves.

3. The Cycle of Abuse: after every abusive incident comes a make-up honeymoon phase.

Often when an abusive situation happens, it is followed by the abuser doing something nice or apologizing and promising that they will never do it again. This makes their partner minimize the original abusive behavior.

4. It’s dangerous to leave. Like, VERY dangerous.

Many times, leaving an abusive relationship is not only emotionally difficult, but can also be life-threatening. In fact, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post break-up. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving their abusive partner than at any other time during the relationship.¹

The best way to protect yourself if you are in an abusive relationship is to create a safety plan. For help creating one, check out our My Plan App.

5. It’s not just hard to breakup safely, it’s also hard to escape the cycle of control.

People in abusive relationships often attempt to break up with their partner several times before the break up sticks. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good.²

6. Society perpetuates a ride-or-die mindset.

Those in unhealthy or abusive relationships might stay with their partner or get back together after a break up because they feel pressure to not give up, forgive and forget or “ride it out.” Pop culture glamorizes being a “ride-or-die” for your friends and partner, making people out to be in the wrong for leaving their partner. And while being loyal is a great thing, a good friend or partner would never endanger or hurt you.

7. They feel personally responsible for their partner or their behavior.

After a conflict, an abuser will turn the situation around and make their partner feel guilty or as though they are somehow at fault. This type of behavior is known as gaslighting.

8. They believe that if they stick it out, things might change.

A lot of people in abusive relationships stay in them because they love their partner and think that things will change. They might also believe their partner’s behavior is due to tough times or feel as though they can change their partner if they are a better partner themselves. Never stay in a relationship in which you count on someone to change their behavior for the better.

9. There is social pressure to be in a perfect relationship.

There is incredible pressure to be in a perfect relationship, and some cultures and social media only accentuate this pressure.

10. Fear of how others will react.

People in abusive relationships often feel embarrassed to admit that their partner is abusive for fear of being judged, blamed, marginalized, pitied or looked down on. For example, in some LGBTQIA* relationships, someone may stay with their partner for fear of being outed.

11. They share a life together.

Marriage, children, and shared finances are often huge reasons that people in abusive relationships stay in them. This dependency is heightened in relationships where one partner is differently abled. But there are also similar factors that affect young people’s decisions to stay in relationships, including shared friend groups and living situations.

There are lots of elements that influence a person’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship. And while seeking help to get out of these relationships is the most important thing, blaming someone in an abusive relationship is never okay. There is a big difference between judgment and responsibility. While someone might have used bad judgment by staying in an unhealthy or dangerous situation, it does not mean that they are responsible, or asking, for the abuse perpetrated against them.

¹ Source: Myths & Facts about Domestic Violence | Domestic Violence Intervention Program. (n.d.). Retrieved August 09, 2016, from http://www.dvipiowa.org/myths-facts-about-domestic-violence/

² Source: https://www.thehotline.org/ 

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The best way to help a friend, family or loved one is to talk about it. Use our conversation starters and this article to get the people in your life talking.

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Disagreements happen in all relationships, but what matters is how they are dealt with. The way you deal with an issue with your partner can determine if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy, so here are some tips to keep in mind that will help you handle your next argument in a healthy way.

1. Create a welcoming environment for open communication.

In a healthy relationship, you and your partner can communicate openly about what is bothering you and what is going well in the relationship. It’s important to not only talk about the problems in the relationship, but also the positives so no one feels like they are doing everything wrong. If you feel like you can’t talk openly about important things, like life issues, money, aspirations, and anything big picture that scares or matters to you, then that is a sign that your relationship may be unhealthy. If you can’t express your feelings without fear of retaliation from your partner or them getting overly upset and defensive, then you may be in an abusive relationship.

2. Maintain a calm and respectful demeanor during heated conversations.

Don’t cross lines and start insulting your partner. Keep the focus of the dispute on the issue at hand and don’t bring personal jibes and put-downs into it. Also, if your partner consistently gets very heated, aggressive or starts cursing, then those are signs that your relationship may be abusive. No matter what caused the argument, no one should yell at you, curse, or otherwise make you feel uncomfortable and/or scared when you are arguing. You should never feel like you are being attacked or need to tread carefully to not make your partner any angrier.

3. Get to the root of the problem.

Sometimes when you argue with your partner it is because someone’s needs are not being met. If it seems like your partner is sweating the small stuff, take a moment to evaluate whether there is a larger issue at hand. For instance, if your partner is upset that you are partying in the middle of the week, they might want you to designate more time for your relationship or be worried about you keeping your grades up. Consider things from your partner’s point of view and put yourself in their shoes – how would you feel if the roles were reversed? Be understanding of your partner instead of just trying to push your point across.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Sometimes when you argue with your partner it is because someone’s needs are not being met.” quote=”Sometimes when you argue with your partner it is because someone’s needs are not being met.”]

4. Watch out for arguments that stem from a need for control.

If you feel like your partner may be trying to control what you do, then that is a BIG red flag. If your partner is mad that you text other people, doesn’t like you prioritizing school and responsibilities over them, pressures you to hook up with them, or tries to limit the time you spend with friends, then those are signs that your partner may be trying to control you. Even if they try to rationalize it by saying they “I’m just over-protective,” “it’s my trust issues,” or it’s “because I love you,” no one should ever try to control you, especially not your partner. If any of these behaviors sound familiar, your relationship may be abusive and you should seek help.

5. Find some middle-ground.

Finding a balance between what both partners want and are comfortable with is very important. If you both care about making the relationship work you will come to an agreement on things without feeling like you are making huge sacrifices for your relationship. Compromising is a key way to resolve conflicts, and finding a middle-ground might be easier than you think! If you are arguing about spending time with your friends or your partner’s friends, alternate days to spend time with each friend group or do your own thing for a night. If you feel like your partner is always eating all of your food, ask them to chip in the next time you go grocery shopping.

6. Agree to disagree and choose your battles.

Sometimes we need to consider whether what we are fighting about is really worth arguing over. Is it just a matter of what to eat for dinner? Sharing the covers? What your next Netflix binge should be? If the problem is small, sometimes it’s best to just drop it.  If you won’t be mad about it next week, then it’s probably not worth your energy. You won’t agree with your partner on absolutely everything, and if you feel like the issue is too big to drop then you should contemplate if you and your partner are really compatible.

7. Consider if the issue is resolvable or not.

Sometimes we argue with our partner about something that is REALLY big and impacts our lives – like transferring schools, if you do or don’t want kids, and where to live when you graduate. If you feel like you will need to sacrifice your beliefs, morals, or dreams to make the relationship work, then you should think about whether this relationship is really worth staying in. For a relationship to succeed, you and your partner should see eye-to-eye on the bigger picture. Having aligned goals, dreams, values, and beliefs is a major part of being compatible with someone.

[clickToTweet tweet=”For a relationship to succeed, you and your partner should see eye-to-eye on the bigger picture.” quote=”For a relationship to succeed, you and your partner should see eye-to-eye on the bigger picture.”]

If you keep these tips in mind during your next argument, you’ll be sure to handle your future conflicts in a healthy and constructive way. No one wants to be like Noah and Allie from The Notebook – never agreeing on anything and fighting all the time – even if it means you get to turn into birds together in the end. Constant arguing, overly-heated battles, and fights that spiral out of control are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you or someone you know may be in an unhealthy relationship, here is what you can do to help them.

For more tips on having a good relationship (#goals), you can check out the 5 Essentials to a Healthy Relationship.

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