Because these observances coincide in June, it’s important that we both acknowledge the intersections of the Black and LGBTQ+ communities and their unique contributions to our country and the world.

If you clicked on this post wondering “how can I be an ally?” the first step is changing your framing to “how do I practice allyship?” Allyship is not a static label, it’s a continuous practice based on sustained effort and learning. An ally is someone who aligns with and supports a given community or identity group. Since this post is focused specifically on alignment with LGBTQ+ and Black communities, I am writing to non-Black and non-queer folks who want to show up this month and beyond.

If you are not Black or queer and wondering what you can do this month to practice allyship, you can use the 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship as your guide.

Take responsibility for your own learning. There’s no better time to begin or deepen your learning about Pride, Juneteenth, or Black and LGBTQ+ history in general, but remember that it’s not on your Black and/or queer friends to educate you. Our public school system has worked overtime to keep true historical accounts and important Black and LGBTQ+ contributions out of textbooks, curricula, and the greater educational discourse, so don’t assume your Black and/or queer friends are walking encyclopedias on their history if you’re not. Maybe they do know, and maybe they’re willing to share that knowledge with you—that’s great! But it’s not fair to assume or request it. So turn to your favorite medium: podcasts, online research, books, etc. to get learning (and remember to check those sources).

While not everyone can be a history buff, honor that your friends are the experts of their own experiences of their identities, and commit to listening when they choose to share parts of those experiences with you. It is not Black and/or queer people’s responsibility to educate us, but it’s our responsibility to create safer spaces for them to show up and share as their authentic selves.

Engage in healthy conflict with those sharing intolerant messages or misinformation. As someone practicing allyship, this is an opportunity to use the privilege and platform you have to stand with Black and queer communities. You don’t need to be an expert to call somebody out for their harmful language or views, nor do you need to get into a public comment-off with someone in your feed (this may give them a platform to spew more hate in their responses to you). Leave a simple, yet firm comment that you do not agree with what they’ve shared and correct any misinformation (if you’re not sure how, find and link a relevant article), then take it to DMs or private messaging if you wish to engage further.

Respect that everybody observes Juneteenth and Pride differently. Black and queer people are not a monolith; there is no singular narrative or experience of what it means to be Black and/or queer and therefore no “correct” way to observe these holidays. If you’re wondering how your loved ones want you to show up for them this month, ask and respect their decision, whether it includes you or not. Practicing allyship means de-centering yourself. This is not “show your allyship” month, this is a month centered on Black and queer experiences and community. Understand that there are spaces where your presence is not welcome nor necessary.

Show kindness and compassion for the Black and queer folks in your life. Yes, this is a month to take pride and celebrate. It may also bring up complex emotions including grief, anger, and sadness as they reflect the conflicting realities of a country that observes holidays like Juneteenth and Pride but does not protect the rights and lives of the communities it claims to celebrate.

Do what you can to promote equality. A national holiday or awareness month does not mean the work is done. There are still so many inequalities that Black and queer communities must face every day. This month, make an ongoing commitment to move the needle however you can. Donate, fundraise, or volunteer your time with organizations that support Black and LGBTQ+ communities. Buy from Black and queer-owned business throughout the year. Consume media created by Black and queer artists. Commit to ongoing learning and encourage other non-Black and non-queer people in your life to join you.

Though this post is anchored in June, allyship is a lifelong practice. Find sustainable ways to show up, support, and celebrate the Black and queer people in your life throughout all the days and months of the year.

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Sheridan Riolo is an Engagement Manager in One Love’s California Region.  Her “why One Love?” — I do this work because I’m fascinated by so many aspects of relationships, and being at One Love allows me to talk about relationships day in and day out. Sheridan’s favorite healthy sign is Comfortable Pace.

The post How to Practice Allyship Using the 10 Signs appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Teens have long learned about romance (and prom) through the movies and shows they consume. It’s among the many reasons evidence-based relationship health and media literacy education, such as One Love’s free workshops, should be a requirement for every middle school and high school student in America. The ability to analyze and unpack fictional films is essential to effectively navigating real-world complexities.  

To that end, let’s look at three films that feature prom scenes, and identify what healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors look like. The quality of your prom experience will likely come down to the person or people you go with, so make good choices, kids!  

“Pretty in Pink” 

“Pretty in Pink” premiered more than 35 years ago, yet it remains a classic for all the reasons many coming-of-age teen films do: most of characters are steaming hot messes.  

Andie (played by ‘80s icon Molly Ringwald) is an artsy and quirky high school senior who begins hanging out with Blane, a popular boy from a wealthy family. Blane eventually asks Andie to prom, but then ghosts her after his “richie” friends deem her garbage. Andie’s family has little money, while Blane wears sports jackets and button-down shirts on the weekend. (The wealth gap was an often-used point of conflict in 1980s teen films. Check out “The Karate Kid,” “Dirty Dancing,” and “The Breakfast Club.”)  

In a wonderful nod to independence and self-confidence, Andie opts to go to prom alone. So too does her pal Duckie Dale, who desperately wanted to be with Andie himself, but couldn’t find his way out of the friend zone. (To be sure, it wasn’t due to a lack of effort — Duckie wore his heart on his stylish sleeve!  But it’s also OK that Andie felt otherwise. Not every relationship involves mutual feelings.)  

The pair enter the dance together, and everyone is laughing, talking, and having a great time. Everyone, that is, but Blane, who looks like someone just ran over his dog. Blane offers Andie a lame apology, making it more about himself than what he did to her. He then tells Andie he loves her. “Always,” he adds after kissing her on the cheek.  

This is when Duckie shines. He’s at prom with the girl he has long yearned for, yet he still cares more about her happiness than his own. Forever the devoted friend, the Duck-man oozes kindness and independence — two great healthy relationship behaviors — and encourages Andie to go after Blane.  

Helping a friend in an unhealthy relationship can be complicated. Among the tips One Love recommends include being supportive, offering solutions, and allowing them to make their own decisions. Whether or not Duckie did Andie right is debatable, but there’s no question he wanted the best for her — and what more can you ask for in a prom partner?  

“Lady Bird” 

In the 2017 film “Lady Bird,” Christine, self-nicknamed Lady Bird, meets a book-reading, guitar-playing, 120-pound smoke show named Kyle (played by Timothee Chalamet) and a relationship ensues. However, it’s a relationship built on lies. Guided by her insecurities and dreams for a more exciting life, Lady Bird pretends to come from a family of wealth and even later dumps her best/nerdy friend Julie. For his part, Kyle tells Lady Bird he is a virgin just like her. The two have sex, after which Kyle casually admits he previously slept with at least six other people. Douchenozzle!  

Public service blog announcement: Manipulation is the act of influencing someone’s feelings or emotions to get what you want, and it is never okay.  Kyle’s lie, in addition to being hurtful, doesn’t allow Lady Bird to make an informed decision – a critical part of consent.  In a healthy relationship, partners share the full truth about their lives and feelings with each other. 

Although Lady Bird and Kyle have endearing qualities, their relationship is rooted in a litany of unhealthy behaviors, including uncomfortable pace and a lack of respect. And yet, she still goes to prom with him! Sometimes, the social and emotional weight we assign to big events, like prom, can cause us to make choices that are less than we deserve. 

However, the couple never makes it there. While driving to the dance with Kyle, Lady Bird realizes the relationship she most cherishes is the one with her longtime bestie. Lady Bird ditches the apathetic Kyle and finds Julie sitting at home in an oversized T-shirt. They reconcile, they cry, they laugh, and then they go to prom…together. Lady Bird and Julie have a great time at the dance because their relationship is filled with love, fun, and kindness.  

“Twilight” 

It’s not unusual to find a monster in a movie with a high school prom scene (see “Teen Wolf,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and “Carrie“). But the first “Twilight” film makes my list thanks to its main character, Bella Swan.  

First, and this is probably an unpopular take, I find Bella and Edward to be among the most cringy movie couples of all time. Yes, he’s a vampire. And sure, a group of other vampires are trying to consume Bella. But the constant intensity of Bella and Edward’s relationship is simply too much for this mere mortal to endure.  

Case in point: Bella ruins what could have been a great prom scene when she begs Edward to kill her so they can spend eternity together. Huh? They’ve been dating for little more than a hot second, but Bella is ready to commit for…eternity! 

“You don’t want this,” Edward says as they slow-dance under a gazebo.  

“I want you,” Bella retorts. “Always.” (Anyone else picking up on a trend here?)  

“So that’s what you dream about? Being a monster?” Edward asks incredulously.  

“I dream about being with you, forever,” she says.  

Ugh. Overly attached girlfriend alert!  

Romantic relationships are exciting. When you’re with someone you truly connect with, have fun with, and trust, it really does feel magical. However, all good relationships should move at a comfortable pace. Don’t mistake intensity for love, and don’t let your partner or prom date pressure you into anything. That includes alcohol and drug use, and sex.   

Take it from Edward. Sure, he was 104 years old and attending a high school prom, but the undead dude knew how to set a boundary. Despite Bella’s best efforts, Edward declined to snack on his date. A true gentleman!   

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If you’re going to a school prom this year, have a wonderful and safe time. Just remember, it’s not what you wear or how you arrive at the dance that most matters. It’s the people you choose to surround yourself with — your relationships! — that will make it an evening to remember. 

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Jeff Lemberg, a former journalist and media literacy educator, is the Director of Development for One Love’s Boston region. He is passionate about social and emotional education, as well as building partnerships with nonprofit, for-profit, and governmental entities in support of relationship health.  

The post What Movie Prom Scenes Can Teach Us About Relationships appeared first on One Love Foundation.

But there’s little question the Super Bowl ads once again took center stage during this year’s game. Below are three of our favorites, as they center on healthy relationships, positive connections, and a whole lot of love.  

Sam Adams — “Your Cousin’s Brighter Boston” 

A big congratulations to Kansas City and Philadelphia for their teams getting to this year’s Super Bowl. Boston/New England has dominated pro sports since the turn of the century (12 championships in 22 years!), so it’s always nice when other cities and regions can get a whiff of the throne.  

Yes, Boston sports fans (author included) can be obnoxious.  

Sam Adams leaned into this reality with their Super Bowl ad by shining a light on some of our less-than-appealing, sometimes unhealthy, qualities. However, Sam Adams flipped the script by having “Your Cousin from Boston” imagine an alternative version of Beantown culture.   

Rather than vitriol and volatility, two women offer kindness toward each other as they compete for a parking space. Rather than aggression and intensity, a Red Sox fan hugs it out with a Yankees fan who dared to venture into Fenway Park. Rather than belittling and demeaning someone else, NBA Hall-of-Famer and former Celtics star Kevin Garnett gives a book reading of his faux memoir, “Don’t Talk Trash, Spread Love.”  

Your Cousin from Boston struggles to comprehend such a socially healthy city — the liquor store cashier snaps him back to reality; “Hey, genius! Your cahd declined!” — but there’s no doubt a “brighter” Boston would be a better Boston.   

T-Mobile —  “Bradley Cooper & his mom” 

Healthy relationship education starts at home, which is why we loved this Super Bowl ad featuring actor/director Bradley Cooper and his mother, Gloria Campano.   

Our relationships with our parents undoubtedly change as we get older…or at least they should. As children gain greater independence — socially, financially, and/or intellectually — their relational needs will invariable evolve as well. But some of the best bonds in life are with those you are forever bonded to, which is what makes Bradley and Gloria’s banter so endearing.  

“I don’t like the way you look,” Gloria wryly tells her son, who’s sporting a bright pink T-Mobile T-shirt as he plays the role of a store salesperson. “You look like a flamingo in this!”  

Bradley, an Academy Award best actor nominee for his roles in “A Star is Born,” “American Sniper,” and “Silver Linings Playbook,” can hardly stop laughing as his mom repeatedly flubs her lines. They’re having a ton of fun with each other, and they both show kindness, respect, and trust.     

Bud Light — “Hold” 

Actor and Philadelphia native Miles Teller seemed like an odd choice to lead a Bud Light Super Bowl ad. Sure, he recently shined in “Top Gun: Maverick” and had some mixed cinematic success in the mid-2010s with “Whiplash” and “Fantastic Four,” but the baby-faced 35-year-old as the face of a beer ad?  

And yet, Miles and his wife, Keleigh Sperry — not to mention their French bulldog, Bugsy — were among the stars of this year’s Super Bowl.   

As Keleigh is slumped across their living room couch, stuck on call-waiting by an ever-absent customer service rep, Miles does what any good husband would do: He attempts to brighten her mood. Miles offers his wife a Bud Light and begins dancing around the room to the call-waiting muzak tune. He moonwalks with Bugsy, struts to the beat, and invites Keleigh to join him on the living room “dance floor.” Miles sees his partner feeling down, so he does his best to lift her up with a bit of fun and kindness.  

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Healthy relationships start with trust and respect, which is why these three Super Bowl ads were our MVPs.  

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Jeff Lemberg, a former journalist and media literacy educator, is the Director of Development for One Love’s Boston region. He is passionate about social and emotional education, as well as building partnerships with for-profit, nonprofit, and governmental entities in support of relationship health.  

The post Super Bowl Ads that Feature Healthy Relationships Win the Night appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Written by One Love staff member Gabriel Naccarato

At One Love, we’re taking a moment to celebrate the boys! With so much talk about healthy relationships, relationships between men can sometimes take a backseat. And we’re looking to change that by taking a look at some of our favorite relationships in our favorite shows.  

Some are romantic, some are platonic, but all have some healthy aspects we’d like to focus on. That doesn’t mean these relationships are perfect. No relationship is perfect, and everyone is capable of some unhealthy behaviors. But we want to highlight some of the ways that some of our favorite male relationships are great.  

Otis and Eric from Sex Education 

Fun is the name of the game with Otis and Eric. Being best friends since they were nine, they always find new ways to tackle challenges head-on with a smile and a laugh. Eric’s quest to get Otis out of his shell provides a space for both of them to grow. This personifies the respect they have for each other. The relationship is built on trust that neither will betray the other and always look out for the other’s best interests. Even at their lowest moments, they can solve their conflicts in a healthy way.  

Magnus and Alec from Shadowhunters 

Life isn’t easy for Shadowhunters and Warlocks, especially when queer love can have them excommunicated from the only world they’ve ever known. Navigating through those hurdles is what makes Magnus and Alec an amazing couple. They have the respect to rely on each other’s powers and are amazed by what they can do. They are honest about the potential hardship in their relationship and are open about what they want from each other. And they have the comfortable pace to take things slow, move through their baggage, and advance the relationship when they are both ready.  

Ted and Coach Beard from Ted Lasso 

Moving to England to coach soccer could make any friendship tense and stretched thin, but Ted and Coach Beard show how even the most intense life changes can be the foundation for an even stronger friendship. Equality and respect are at the forefront of their relationship. When Ted is invited to coach AFC Richmond, he immediately brings his best friend to become the assistant coach.  And when meeting the team for the first time and navigating the challenges of being Americans coaching soccer in the UK, they play off each other’s strengths to prove themselves to their new players and team’s owner.  

For a more in-depth look at some of the other relationships in Ted Lasso, check out our other blog post here! 

Will and Mike from Stranger Things 

Probably the most complicated relationship on the list, Mike and Will from Stranger Things experienced more ups and downs than other pairings on the list. Growing up in the eighties while extradimensional abominations try to destroy your lives could break any weaker relationship, but Will and Mike started from a strong base of respect when Mike stopped at nothing to find Will after he went missing.  

Once Will came back, things started to change. Their relationship became more complicated. But through that, they’ve had to learn how to take responsibility for their wrongdoing. And learning to apologize can be a tough lesson to learn. They’ve had to center kindness in their relationship. To break down those miscommunications and listen to each other. Mike and Will are a work in progress. But it’s important to show that even the closest friendships can have their tough moments.  

None of these relationships are perfect. But their basis in the 10 signs of a healthy relationship means that even through the toughest time or their unhealthiest, they are willing to learn and grow. And having more healthy male relationships on TV allow men and boys to see themselves. They can learn from what they see and take that into their own relationships. Men and boys deserve healthy relationships that learn and grow along with them.  

The post Our Favorite Male Relationships in Pop Culture appeared first on One Love Foundation.

Image credit: Apple TV+

Written by One Love staff member Sheridan Riolo

Ted Lasso—ever heard of him? Recently, the AppleTV+ series has taken the streaming world by storm and captured the hearts of many. What you need to know: Ted Lasso is a successful college football coach when he is recruited to manage and coach AFC Richmond, prominent soccer—sorry, football—team in the UK. 

The show has been commended for its nuanced portrayal of masculinity, hilarious dialogue, and conflict-minimal plotlines (who knew we could be hooked without the drama?). From a One Love perspective, Ted Lasso highlights what we’re all about—the 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship, plotlines around navigating relationship endings, accessing resources, and even some incredible how to help a friend content (go Higgins!).   

What the show highlights best is that like sports, love takes practice. We all do unhealthy things, but Ted and his team are modeling how taking responsibility can and should look when we make a mistake or hurt someone we care about. At One Love, we believe it isn’t enough to apologize—while a genuine “I’m sorry” can go a long way, there are two other essential elements to taking responsibility:  

1. Ownership: Admitting what you did and why it was wrong (specifics help!).
2. Follow-through: Identifying what you can do to change your behavior in the future and putting it into practice—making sure what happened won’t happen again.

**Caution, spoilers ahead** 

Examples of Taking Responsibility:  

Rebecca Comes Clean  

Image credit: Apple TV+

The situation: From the first episode of the series, viewers know Rebecca, owner of AFC Richmond, has hired Ted under false pretenses, hoping he’ll fail and ruin the reputation of her ex-husband’s beloved team. However, as the story unfolds, we see Ted and Rebecca’s friendship growing until her plan is completely derailed. 

Ownership: Toward the end of the season, Rebecca comes clean to Ted, admitting to sabotaging him “every chance she had” and apologizing for her behavior. 

 Follow-through: Throughout the rest of the show, we see Rebecca taking some serious healthy strides in her friendship with Ted and leaving her sabotaging ways behind. 

 A note on forgiveness: While this is one of the show’s most heartwarming scenes because Ted forgives Rebecca, even empathizing with her that “divorce is hard,” —don’t feel pressured to forgive and forget. Even when someone takes responsibility and apologizes, you’re allowed time and space to process, heal, and decide what comes next. If someone is pressuring you to forgive them before you’re ready or guilting you for taking your time, this may be a sign they aren’t being genuine—or that they don’t respect your boundaries. 

Roy Admits He Overreacted 

Image credit: Apple TV+

The situation: Roy and Keeley may be the show’s favorite couple, but in the middle of Season 2, we see the intensity of their relationship begin to wear on Keeley. Since they now both work for AFC Richmond, they’re together 24/7—at home, at work, and in their free time—which would make anyone crave some independence from their partner. When Keeley tries to express this to Roy (albeit, not in the calmest way), he reacts explosively and guilts her for venting to her friends about it.  

Ownership: When you can’t say it with words, say it with a playlist! Keeley comes home to find that Roy has drawn her a bath and intends to give her some much-needed alone time. He even creates a self-care soundtrack for her, entitled “Roy is Sorry for Not Understanding Keeley.” 

Follow-through: After apologizing, Roy tells Keeley she won’t see him “for at least three hours,” which shows he understands her need for space and is willing to change his behavior. 

The Silent Treatment: Following their argument, Roy essentially ignores Keeley. While wanting some time and headspace to work through your feelings is totally justified, remember that there’s a difference between taking space and icing someone out. Before going off the radar, try communicating that need to a partner or friend so it doesn’t feel like a penalty.  

Nate Apologizes to Colin 

Image credit: Apple TV+

The situation: Former kit manager, now assistant coach, Nate, is succumbing to the simultaneous flattery and pressure of social media after a game-winning coaching decision earned him the nickname Wonder Kid—or wunderkind (depends on who you ask). After Nate excludes Colin from a drill during training, Colin asks Nate if he did something to annoy him or anger him in some way. Nate responds by belittling Colin’s athletic ability in a “weird” and “personal” way, according to Coach Beard.   

Ownership: Nate requests airtime during practice to publicly apologize to Colin, using some very…colorful language to describe his behavior (hey, we didn’t write it).  

Follow-through: In his apology, Nate promises it “won’t happen again” and that seems to be true! While the show has (hopefully) many seasons to go, we haven’t seen Nate belittle Colin since.  

Help a Friend moment: We often talk about starting a conversation with someone who’s on the receiving end of unhealthy behaviors, but what about talking to a person about their unhealthy behavior? When Nate arrives in his office after his conversation with Colin, Coach Beard is waiting. He calls him on his actions, saying, “You were rude to Colin,” and leaves Nate with a simple note of “Do better.” As a friend, coach, teammate, or coworker, it’s our responsibility to hold the people we know and care about to their highest standard. 

Jamie Makes Amends 

Image credit: Apple TV+

The situation: He’s the young, arrogant star footballer you hate to love—he’s Jamie Tartt (doo- doo-doo-doo-doo). From the beginning of the series, Jamie is a problematic character. He’s an untrustworthy partner, openly demeaning to his teammates, and doesn’t care to understand the concept of teamwork (or kindness, for that matter). When he leaves AFC Richmond in Season 1, it’s good riddance—so it’s no wonder the team is less than thrilled when Ted resigns him in Season 2. 

Ownership: On one of his first days back with AFC Richmond, Jamie takes the opportunity to speak to the team in the locker room, admitting he “wasn’t the greatest teammate” and that he did and said some bad things. The other players help him out on the specifics—from calling one of them a “jaundiced worm” to getting them relegated, Jamie’s got a lot to be sorry for. He ends his speech by telling the team he’s ready to do “whatever it takes” to make up for his unhealthy behavior.  

Follow-through: While Jamie’s road to redemption may be a long journey, from this scene on he works to show the rest of the team he’s willing to understand and live the value of teamwork. He makes some huge strides by the end of the episode (with a little help from Led Tasso), most notably when he stands in solidarity with Sam and his other Nigerian teammates when they protest the team’s main sponsor, the fictional Dubai Air. 

Ted Hears Dr. Fieldstone Out  

Image credit: Apple TV+

The situation: When Ted begins seeing the team’s sports therapist, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone, it’s clear he’s uncomfortable and mistrusting the therapeutic process. While in session, Ted acts in a volatile way, openly belittling Dr. Fieldstone’s profession before storming out of the room.  

Ownership: An important part of owning your unhealthy behavior is listening to the other person to understand how it affected them. When Ted returns for his next session, Dr. Fieldstone tells him he offended her with his insults and asks, if the situation were reversed, how he would feel about her implying the same things about his role as a coach. Ted seems to hear Dr. Fieldstone and apologizes for his behavior.   

Follow-through: While we don’t see this conflict fully resolved by the end of the episode, the audience can interpret Ted’s calm and open demeanor as a sign he’s ready to respect Dr. Fieldstone and the process. While more bumps arise as the series unfolds, we don’t see Ted act in the same volatile and belittling way again.  

Excuse vs. Reason: We’re not implying that accessing resources is easy. In fact, it can be extremely difficult to admit you need help, and harder still to sit across from someone and recount past harmful experiences. Reactions to trauma vary—you may have heard of fight, flight, and freeze. Luckily, Dr. Fieldstone handled Ted’s response like the pro she is, but keep in mind this sort of reaction can make someone else feel unsafe. While Ted’s trauma may be a reason he reacted the way he did, it is not an excuse for unhealthy behavior that belittles, scares, or intimidates someone else. 

To see how One Love’s 10 Signs relates to your favorite pop culture, visit the Education Center for more.  

The post Ted Lasso: Like Football, Love Takes Practice appeared first on One Love Foundation.

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Allison Korahais 

Let’s admit it, the Grinch is iconic but for all of the wrong reasons. Unlike your typical cheesy holiday film villain, the Grinch has a legitimate bone to pick with Christmas. Haven survived childhood trauma – he was orphaned on Christmas and bullied because he was different – the Grinch formed deep-seated anger toward the holiday obsessed Whoville community and vowed to destroy their celebration. If you’ve made it this far and thought “wow, this guy is kind of relatable” or “I could see myself doing something similar” then you may have an inner Grinch you need to contend with.  

While there’s nothing wrong with being resentful of people that did you wrong in the past, your old grudges should never get in the way of your new relationships! If this is something you struggle with then you and the Grinch may be one in the same, check out these 5 signs to know for sure.  

1. You hold grudges 

Though several of the Who’s are extremely welcoming and kind to the Grinch, he rejects their goodwill choosing to hold onto his grudge instead. Grudge holding can feel good, even empowering in the moment, giving you a false sense of superiority, but it doesn’t last long. Experts say when people live with suppressed anger, resentment, and bitterness they often experience anxiety and feelings of hostility as result. In long-term relationships, grudge-holding can come as a result of scorekeeping, or tracking how much you give versus how much your partner takes. You don’t have to pretend your deep emotions don’t exist. In fact, holding on to resentment can be a sign that you aren’t comfortable being open and honest about your feelings.        

 2. You feel unaccepted for the way you look  

Not everyone is Cindy-Lou Who. We don’t all have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a button nose. So why are people so often ostracized for not fitting that bill? People are struggling with their self-image more than ever now that narrow beauty standards have spilled over from social media and into our real lives. Whether you’re dealing with acne, issues with your self-image, or any number of insecurities, practicing acts of self-love is essential. Even small habits like cleaning up your living space, positive affirmations, and getting in some exercise can all boost your self-confidence while aiding mentally and physically. Be kind to yourself.  

RELATED: 5 Little Ways to Love (Yourself) Better

3. You try to sabotage situations when things don’t go your way 

Whether you’re planning on crashing an entire town’s Christmas party or setting your friend up for failure, if you find yourself projecting your anger onto others, take a step back. Sabotaging your partner’s success out of jealousy or resentment is not only malicious, but it’s also dangerous. If you’re feeling upset with someone, try removing yourself from the situation to see it from a different perspective. Empathy, while often overlooked, is such an essential trait to have in any relationship, and finding it facilitates healthy discussions instead of explosive arguments.  

RELATED: 5 Sneaky Behaviors That Are Actually Unhealthy

4. You belittle those who have it “easier” than you 

Jim Carrey portraying the Grinch in How The Grinch Stole Christmas | Universal/Getty Images

Whenever we operate from a me-centered point of you we have a tendency to minimize other people’s problems in comparison to our own. When the Grinch sees Cindy-Lou Who frantically delivering a letter to the North Pole he immediately mocks and belittles her. To him, delivering a list of Christmas wishes is childish and self-absorbed. For Cindy-Lou Who, the letter is her last chance to alleviate some of the burdens her mom faces as a single parent. Although it may feel like the world is on your shoulders it’s not healthy to constantly downplay the experience of others. This can make your partner feel misunderstood or that they have to experience something traumatic in order for their problems to stand up to your own.  

RELATED: 11 Common Patterns of Verbal Abuse

5. You put on a cold exterior to “protect yourself” from being hurt 

You’ve had the worst day ever. Yet, upon questioning “How are you?” you reply, “I’m fine.” You don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you aren’t.  

In fact, realizing it’s okay to not be okay is an important part of self-care, and knowing not just when, but how to ask for help comes after. If you feel yourself struggling, find someone you can trust — such as a parent, friend, coach, or teacher — and have the courage to say “I’m not okay. I need help.” You might find that the weight you’ve been carrying becomes a little more manageable when you aren’t carrying it alone. 

RELATED: How to Stop Explaining Away Bad Behavior

Here’s the thing, we’re not saying the Grinch — or you for that matter — don’t have legitimate reasons to feel angry towards people who mistreated you in the past. However, being wronged by someone in the past is never an excuse to mistreat people in your life currently. In the end, even the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes when he learned to forgive and leave his petty behavior aside. We believe you can do the same. Learn more about how you can learn to love better and stop unhealthy behaviors before they become abuse by checking out our resources here.  

The post 5 Things You Have in Common With the Grinch appeared first on One Love Foundation.

PHOTO: Courtesy of The CW

 Written by Writer’s Corps member Ashlyn Jones 

Many of us have a #GOALS couple on Riverdale, the entertaining, drama-filled TV series that has more twists and turns than a tangled garden hose. While we love the dark mysteries and following the gorgeous cast navigate the troubled waters of school, family, and small-town weirdness, the relationships are what make the show.   

However, while all of the series’ romances make for great TV, some display behavior that isn’t very healthy in the real world. So let’s see which relationship is actually goals for real.

Archie and Veronica: Not #GOALS 

PHOTO: Courtesy of The CW

Since the beginning, Archie and Veronica have had TONS of passion for each other. But they really lack communication. Most of the time, they will just skip talking and go straight to the hot makeout session. This dynamic may work for TV romances but IRL talking about your feeling is key to forming a secure connection; Just having lots of sex doesn’t cut it.

In season three the unhealthy signs start blaring and we’re introduced to Archie’s dark side. His anger really gets the best of him as his life starts to spiral out of control. Even more troubling is the way Veronica tries to save him by catering to his needs while putting her life on hold. While it’s completely acceptable to drop things sometimes to be there for your partner when they need it, you shouldn’t feel like it’s your responsibility to save them. Ever. Between his anger streak and her codependent tendencies, it’s clear this relationship has taken a turn toward the unhealthy. Sorry, folks.   

Cheryl and Toni: Not #GOALS

PHOTO: Courtesy of The CW

As much as I LOVE Riverdale’s same-sex couple there were some things in Cheryl and Toni’s relationship that are questionable. Throughout the season, these two are INSEPARABLE. I know what you’re thinking: There’s nothing wrong with being excited about a new relationship but these two took their intensity to another level; They even moved in together shortly after beginning their whirlwind romance. To make things worse, the series sparked a twitter debate over whether it was acceptable for Cheryl to gaslights Toni in the Halloween episode. See what one Twitter user had to say below:

Agreed! Not cool, Cheryl, and definitely not #GOALs. 

RELATED: 7 Signs of Gaslighting

Jughead and Betty – Winning #GOALS

PHOTO: Courtesy of The CW

Even with the insanity of both Jughead and Betty’s lives, their relationship is one of the healthier ones on the show. “Bughead” does a great job of being committed to each other while still having independence, and they consistently support each other through good times and bad. A good example is when Jughead finds out that Betty is taking Adderall which she kept secret until she was outed by her mom. The conversation afterward was so goals! Betty was able to be vulnerable with Jughead and he was understanding, supportive, and nurturing. 

The juicy plotlines of these relationships are definitely fun and exciting to watch on TV. But being an “end game” in a relationship is more than just crazy passion. Relationships will have ups and downs, but they should never be so volatile that you feel insecure, blame each other for everything or feel like your partner needs to be saved. Save that drama for the small screen.  

If you or someone you know is experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship, check out our real-time resources, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you’re in imminent danger, please call 911

The post Riverdale Couples: Which One Is Relationship #Goals? appeared first on One Love Foundation.

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Every season of the Bachelorette has a “villain” — a universally disliked contestant who pushes the buttons of every person on the show, including the lead. It is the presence of such a villain that allows producer Chris Harrison to deem every. single. season. “the most dramatic season yet.” And I’m not going to lie, this season honestly might just be the most intense season to date. You’re welcome, Chris. Whether because of cheating, manipulation or lying about their intentions for being on the show, there is no shortage of dramatic reveals and other antics from this season’s contestants. In many ways, it’s antics that Bachelor Nation have come to know and expect from the show. But, there’s one contestant that takes the cake for bad behavior. Enter Luke P, this season’s resident villain.

We’re nine weeks in and the question on everyone’s mind is: Why is Hannah STILL keeping Luke P. around?

RELATED: Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors Series: Jealousy

As outsiders looking in on Hannah’s “journey,” we can all see how controlling and manipulative Luke is. From guilting her for doing naked bungee jumping on a date, to acting out aggressively toward other castmates, it’s clear Luke’s behavior is not love. It crosses boundaries into unhealthy behavior even Bachelor Nation finds hard to stomach. So why hasn’t he been sent home?

To understand why this is, let’s run through a few potential reasons Luke still has a rose:

1. Unhealthy Behaviors are Easily Disguised as Love

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Remember that kid that would follow you around the playground or throw insults at you because “they liked you?” Many of us approach relationships as adults with the same problematic beliefs we learn as children. We are taught that controlling and manipulative behaviors are signals of love. So, it’s no wonder that when we are confronted with these unhealthy tactics, we’re unable to see them for what they are. On this season of the Bachelor, we have seen Luke P. repeatedly explain away his unhealthy behaviors as care. When Luke is guilting Hannah for bungee jumping with Garrett, he says to her: “No matter what you do, I’m going to support you. Even if you make a boneheaded mistake, and you do something completely out of your character and something that’s wrong, I’m going to do whatever it takes to make things right.”

These comments, though commonplace in romance novels and rom-coms to show that you’ll stay with a partner through thick and thin, are actually manipulating Hannah into thinking what she did was wrong. Just because someone promises commitment, though coming from a place of care, does not mean they will build that committed relationship in a healthy way.

2. Intensity is Often Mistaken for Love

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Passion in a relationship, especially a new one, is considered a good sign. And while passion is an important part of a healthy relationship, it can often cross into intensity or extreme over the top feelings for someone. While we clearly see that Luke is passionate about Hannah, his behaviors are also chaotic, overwhelming and even scary at times. Hannah, at first, seemed to enjoy his over the top antics, like confessing his love to her on the second date and has spoken multiple times about the chemistry they have. However, as in most unhealthy relationships, that intensity quickly turned to jealous and controlling behavior and, ultimately, a lack of respect for Hannah and her feelings.

Healthy passion should feel mutual, respectful and uplifting – like when Peter asked Hannah to be his girlfriend and we see both of them smile and light up. There is a big difference between asking someone to continue dating you and saying they’re in love with you the second time they see you, as Luke did.

RELATED: Relationship Moving too Fast? Here’s How To Tell Your Partner

3. Luke Makes Hannah Feel Crazy

We often see volatility (or ups and downs) reflected as a positive thing in relationships, especially on The Bachelor. It keeps things interesting and keeps us as viewers hooked. As Hannah will attest, she tells Chris Harrison, “I’m either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy.” These confusing feelings of high highs and low lows prevent Hannah from sending Luke home and giving up on him entirely. Since unhealthy moments with a partner are often sandwiched between good times, it can be difficult for people to see these kinds of emotional rollercoasters as unhealthy.

4. Hannah Believes Luke Will Change

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Many people tend to stay in unhealthy relationships because they believe their partner will change. On several occasions, Hannah asked Luke to change his behavior in order to be a better partner. Despite her requests, Luke’s fighting with the other men has not ceased, he still consistently questions her morality and values, and he continues to question her motives instead of hearing what she says and working to change. We know that Hannah has strong feelings for Luke, and it is these feelings that are ultimately leading her to hope—despite evidence to the contrary—that Luke will change.

5. Gaslighting Keeps Hannah From Seeing the Truth

Obviously, Bachelor Nation is built on conflict. But there are clear examples of healthy and unhealthy ways to handle those situations, and Luke shows all the unhealthy ones. In a recent episode, Luke gets angry and feels jealous about Hannah’s bungee jumping date with Garrett. Instead of approaching Hannah in a respectful way and articulating his feelings, he turns the entire conversion around to imply that Hannah was manipulating him. When Hannah realizes what he is doing and explains her feelings to him, instead of apologizing, he claims that she misunderstood him, lies about what he said and then tries to sway her with a bunch of romantic lines. This is a clear example of gaslighting, another reason it is so hard to realize when a relationship is unhealthy once you’re in it.

RELATED: What I Wish I Had Known About Gaslighting Before It Happened To Me

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Hannah has made it very clear from the beginning of this season that she wants someone who is “all in.” She wants a family, she values commitment and she wants someone who is always going to be there for her. Luke, so he claims, is all these things. He professed his love to her, he wants her to meet his family, he has been there to comfort her when she was upset, and they have an undeniably strong physical connection. But, just because someone promises they’ll give you what you need, it doesn’t mean they will actually do it – and if someone is promising such intense things early on in a relationship, it’s usually a red flag.

Luke’s behavior is escalating from jealous and controlling to emotionally abusive and is getting scarier by the episode. These are just a few of the reasons why Hannah might not recognize her relationship with Luke P. to be unhealthy and why he continues to receive a rose each week. But there are many reasons why someone in an unhealthy or abusive relationship might not leave. The longer the relationship continues, the harder it will be for Hannah to leave – and the more dangerous leaving can become. If you recognize any of these signs in your own relationship, talk to or chat with an expert at loveisrespect.org.

The post The Bachelorette: Why Hasn’t Hannah Sent Luke P. Home?  appeared first on One Love Foundation.

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

 Written by One Love student fellow Hollin Hanau

The Bachelor franchise has always been my guilty pleasure. Every Monday night at 8:00 pm, I throw on my pajamas, snuggle up on my couch, and tune in to ABC for roses, drama, and Chris Harrison… OH MY! While in seasons past I have typically hidden my secret Bachelor obsession from the world, something about Hannah B.’s season has led me to share what I’ve been watching on the Bachelorette with friends, coworkers, and family alike. This something is the man who is undoubtedly this season’s most controversial character: Luke P.

RELATED: Why #BaeGoals Are Actually Toxic

We’ve seen bad behaviors from contestants before, like those who were obviously there to promote their business or the people who, as we later found out, had abandoned girlfriends and fiancés to get onto the show. There’s no shortage of examples of unhealthy love. I bring up Luke P. because his behaviors throughout Hannah’s season have stood out as some of the most unhealthy behaviors I’ve ever seen on the franchise.

When I think about the early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, Luke P. ticks almost every box, from his intensity to his extreme jealousy. As Hannah said in last week’s episode, “There are red flags everywhere.” And don’t get me wrong, I understand that the Bachelor world is not one that necessarily imitates reality. We know that most relationships do not develop while a couple is isolated in a mansion or going on forced group dates. Regardless, the signs we’re seeing are very real, and they all point to unhealthy.

Here are 5 of Luke’s top unhealthy moment, so far:

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

1. Luke Takes Intensity to a Whole New Level

It’s no secret that the timeline of the Bachelorette process is not realistic—most seasons film over the course of only six to nine weeks—but this season, Luke P. took the Bachelorette’s notorious fast pace to a whole new level when he stood on stage and professed his love to Hannah on their first date. All too often, relationships that begin with high levels of intensity are those that ultimately become the unhealthiest. Since shows like the Bachelor encourage relationships that develop quickly and intensely, this could unintentionally give viewers the impression that this is a normal part of a new relationship.

RELATED: 4 On-screen Romances that Portray Intensity as Love

2. Luke Becomes Jealous and Tries to Isolate Hannah

Another red flag we have seen from Luke P. is his possessive jealousy. Remember the pet-themed group date from Episode 3 when Luke becomes threatened after he watches Hannah take pics with other men after she took them with him. I’m not sure if he’s ever seen the Bachelorette before agreeing to be a part of the show, but the concept of going on a group date seemed to be completely lost on him. In a fit of jealousy, Luke insists that Hannah take more pictures with him to soothe his insecurities.

RELATED: 5 Sneaky Behaviors That Are Actually Unhealthy

Later, when Hannah tries to walk to her dressing room to change, Luke tries to come along. But his ploy to get her alone prompted Hannah to say this to a producer, “He doesn’t have to be beside me all the time to know we are good. We are good. I need him to slow his roll.” Luke’s extreme jealousy and subsequent attempts to isolate Hannah from the group are all unhealthy sign that Luke continues to display each week.

3. Luke Slut Shames Hannah

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Luke has guilted Hannah on several occasions throughout the season, but the most glaring example happened after a risqué date with another man. After Hannah went naked bungee jumping on her date with Garrett (apparently Latvians have some quirky traditions), Luke pulled her aside to express his disappointment in her. In an attempt to guilt Hannah for partaking in the activity, Luke says, “I know your body is a temple… I’m just thinking about you holding him bare-skinned and I’m just thinking in my mind… it really pissed me off.” Yes, you read that correctly. Because unhealthy relationships are rooted in power and control, unhealthy partners routinely guilt you for doing something they deem wrong or for not doing what they’ve asked. So, it’s totally not surprising that Luke would make Hannah feel bad for participating in her one-on-one date activity.

RELATED: Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors Series: BELITTLING

4. Luke Manipulates Hannah (and totally pulls the “I Wanted You to Meet My Parents” card)

One of the most exacerbating things about Luke is his constant manipulation which has become apparent to many of us fans. In the same moment in which Luke and Hannah are discussing the bungee-jumping incident, he manipulates her by bringing up his family and the idea of potentially introducing them to her. He tells Hannah, “I’m looking for you to meet my family soon and I felt like it was a slap in the face”– “it” being Hannah bungee jumping naked with Garrett. Luke knows that meeting the parents is a big deal in a relationship and is something that holds weight to Hannah. For him to dangle that experience in front of her face and use it as a ‘be-on-your-best-behavior’ warning was incredibly manipulative.

RELATED: What Emotional Abuse Really Means

5. Luke Gaslights Hannah

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

Hannah has repeatedly stated that Luke drives her crazy, and this past week was no exception. When Hannah confronts Luke for his comments regarding the bungee jumping incident, he constantly back peddles saying “you misunderstood me” instead of “I was wrong.” In doing so, Luke makes Hannah question herself and question her sanity – she literally tells Chris Harrison, “I’m either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy.” These confusing feelings of high highs and low lows prevent Hannah from sending Luke home and giving up on him entirely. Feeling unsteady or “crazy” as Hannah puts it, in a relationship is a common sign that your partner is unhealthy and you.

RELATED: 7 Signs of Gaslighting

PHOTO: Courtesy of The Bachelorette/ABC

I think we can all agree—Luke’s behavior towards Hannah throughout this season has been unhealthy. We do want to be clear though, relationships do not have to include violence to be deemed “unhealthy.” A common misconception people hold about relationships that escalate to abuse is they have to become physically violent to be considered dangerous. But even in the absence of physical abuse, unhealthy relationships can wreak mental and emotional havoc and, in more severe cases, can be physically dangerous.

RELATED: 5 Ways to Find The Courage (You Already Have) to Leave

Although none of these behaviors are acceptable for Hannah or in any relationship, at One Love we believe everyone can learn to love better and bring more healthy behavior into their relationships. If you find yourself doing any of these things in your relationship, we want you to know there is help for you. And if you recognize any of these signs in your relationship or that of a friend, you shouldn’t take it lightly. Visit our Real-Time Resources page to see what resources are available to you if you need help with an abusive partner, or have questions about your relationship.

The post The Bachelorette: Why Luke P.’s Behavior has Unhealthy Written All Over It appeared first on One Love Foundation.